Imagine if the creative genius, Tommy Wiseau, decided to make his own game. The outcome would be something similar to Post Mortem, yet perhaps slightly more unintentionally entertaining. Two words: Knights Templar. Yes, exciting, another point-and-click adventure game centred around the Knights Templar, sorcery, and eternal life! As if that conspiracy ♥♥♥♥ wasn't milked nearly enough during the '90s and early '00s.
Since there are almost no positive aspects to this game I will do my best to mention the most negative of the negatives:
• The voice actors can't decide if their accents should be French (with the game being set in Paris), or Dutch, or Swedish, or Arabic, or North American. They're absolutely horrendous and they lack any semblance of enthusiasm. It makes Post Mortem an incredibly droning and boring experience. It's so bad that some accents actually change half way through a conversation.
• The conversation panel is oddly arranged. Where most point-and-clicks present their dialogue choices as a list, with every choice in full view, instead you have them separated into tabs here. It's incredibly tedious to read through. Luckily the game automatically chooses the most appropriate tab in order to progress the discussion if you can't be bothered reading through the other many choices.
• The lip syncing to the actor's voices is strangely hilarious. Instead of animating the jaw moving in time with speech, the lips seems to do most of the work. They vibrate and tremble, as if they're flapping in the wind.
• The story is extremely disjointed and redundant. Every character you meet repeats the same things multiple times, not only what they've said one sentence ago but also what other characters have mentioned in previous conversation. It's tough to sit and listen to these completely one-dimensional characters, whose voices hold about as much personality as Kristen Stewart's face holds expression.
• The puzzles are lacking and tend to be quite vague as they go overboard when introduced. The inventory system is a complete cluster♥♥♥♥. You will only be shown around five items at a time, requiring you to scroll horizontally to the next necessary item, one by one. This becomes quite daunting and frustratingly confusing once you've acquired more than a dozen items, as most of them share similar icons and are not sorted in any particular order. There is no option to examine items either, so you play a sort of Russian roulette; clicking on items in order to discover if their contents can be viewed.
• The biggest issue is the amount of times the game has crashed and locked up on me. Remember when Windows or Internet Explorer would lock up and you could paint pictures with the mouse, as the pointer repeatedly imprinted itself on your screen? Yeah, that ♥♥♥♥ happens a lot in this game. You also can't alt-tab, otherwise the game will force close on you, so if there's a program running in the background that minimises Post Mortem you will lose all your progress. I actually can't legitimately exit the game without going through the whole "Post Mortem has stopped responding" thing...
I honestly have no idea how Post Mortem's Metacritic score is so high. I have no idea how it still receives such critical acclaim. To paraphrase Michael Scott from the television show The Office: if I had a computer, with powers of space-time control, and I found the original source code for Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, Superman 64, and Post Mortem, I would completely wipe Post Mortem from existence twice.