Planned Release Date: Nov 20, 2026

About This Game

BINARY CRINGEVESTOR is a binary options terminal where you can’t make money, but you can very easily lose everything. Your personal manager Billy has already wired you a $1000 loan. In a week you have to pay back more. There’s a payment every evening. Go trade.

How it works

Pick an asset, an expiry from 5 to 120 seconds and a stake. Hit UP or DOWN. Guess right and your stake comes back with a payout. Guess wrong and it’s gone. That’s it. There’s nothing else to binary options, and that’s the whole game.

There are five assets, and they unlock as the run goes on: USD/M’ERICA, DUMBCOIN, SHIT/PISS, DNCCN and SALARY/BEER. Each one has its own chart temper: one crawls, one jumps around, one just sits there dead and twitches the moment you have three trades open.

The week

Seven trading days: 30, 45, 60, 75, 90, 105 and 120 seconds of trading. In the evening the broker takes a payment. Short on cash? Pawn something from home: the second monitor, the coffee machine, the gaming laptop, the car, Granny’s china, the console, your wife’s phone, the wedding rings. Sold the rings? Your wife will remember that.

Close day seven and the banker offers a new loan, a bigger one. Survive four weeks in a row and the run is won. Nothing to pay with and nothing left to pawn? The collectors are at the door.

The Market

Between days the Market opens, and this is where Balatro kicks in. 31 passives: TRBO pays more on short trades, HODL on long ones, ALLIN when you bet everything, MRTG after a losing streak, DEVIL for only ever going up. Mom, Dad and the Godfather let you hold more trades at once. Passives come in foil, holo and poly editions, and those multiply your payouts many times over.

Sixteen consumables: Uncle’s insider tip shows you the future for three seconds, Granny sends a signal, OCTOPUS opens one trade at eight entry points, FLIP turns a losing trade around, X2BOOST, leverage, insurance, the “Trading in 3 Days” course. A gacha chest that costs more every time. Flowers for the wife, always in stock, and you’ll find out why.

Prices go up every day, and everything is bought from the same account you pay the loan from.

Home

Your wife has three hearts of patience. Pawned something: minus a heart. Took her stash: minus a heart. At zero she leaves for her mom’s and takes everything still left in the house. The banker comes with a new loan, the collectors come for the old one. Billy texts at the worst possible moment and offers VIP signals from a Telegram channel with an accuracy we’d rather not disclose.

Brokers

Twelve broker decks, each with its own rules. FOOLTRADE is the base. JOKERTRADE: wins pay x3, but a loss takes the stake twice and your account goes negative. PYRAMIDTRADE: win streaks and losing streaks multiply the same way. BANK OF SEALAND: a $3000 loan, but no wife and nobody to bail you out. RHYTMTRADE: a $100 loan and nothing but dancing. The rest unlock as you play.

This game won’t teach you how to trade binary options. It will teach you not to.