Rating - 54/100
Recommendation - Life is too short to play dull games
If you still love playing stuffy old-school games like Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure or the original Commander Keen without the nostalgia factor, this is the game for you!
Remember how fantastic old DOS game music was? Well, I must admit this one's is too.
Remember how intensely slow and plodding old DOS game movement was? Yup, this one too.
Remember how ridiculously basic old DOS game combat was? Sensing the pattern yet?
Everything about this game reminded me of old DOS games. That might not sound like such a bad thing, but when is the last time you actually played an old DOS game? They're BURSTING with nostalgic goodness and they put a rose-tinted smile on my face, but objectively? They're stuffy, stilted, restrictive, confining, and almost all of that was due to required programming restrictions. Games were that way because they pretty much had to be.
So why would I want to play a brand new game that feels every bit as stuffy as a 20-year-old one, without any of the needed nostalgia that still makes them fun? You know, I can actually play the old games if I want to, rather than a bland similarity of one that only hints at vague shadows of nostalgia.
The art style is pixellated, but uncreative. The enemies are different sizes of round or gumdrop shaped brown blobs. The levels are entirely linear (except for not-so-cleverly-hidden "secret" doors on every single level), and they only last a few minutes at a time. There is nothing overly clever or creative, nothing mind-blowing, nothing exciting, and nothing fun.
If you were desperate for something new to play on your phone in the bathroom at work, this might be able to hold your interest for a while, but on a PC or console (or Vita, where I played it), it is boring, dull, slow, colorless, and any 5 other synonyms for lame. Don't get me wrong, I could see people playing through this game easily. I could not, however, see anyone playing this with a smile on their face or with excitement in their heart.
I've been rather hard on middling games lately, but you know what? I have less and less free time every single year that passes by, and my game backlog is actually getting bigger and bigger. I have games waiting that I am desperately excited to play, so there is simply not enough time to waste playing something that doesn't excite me. The music is pretty great, though (and it's in the game folder in OGG format).