Have fond memories of driving past the beach while the sun sets over the Grand Theft Auto series equivalent of Miami? The Vice Cry Remastered mod is for you. It adapts the Vice City map to GTA 5 as if it were DLC, and adds a few new missions so that it's not just about appreciating palm trees while speeding past them with the radio cranked up.

Although the mod's trailer restages a bunch of scenes from Vice City's story complete with Tommy Vercetti, the original missions aren't playable. If you want to experience flying that damn seaplane over the city airdropping ads for porn again you'll have to reinstall the original game.

You can download Vice Cry Remastered from gta5-mods.com.

Ever had your private parts gnawed on by a hungry police dog while you’re laid flat on your back, oozing blood, on the tiled floor of a jewellery store’s vault room? I have. Several times. And after an exhilarating run of murder, deceit, robbery, and, um, vampirism and death-by-undead in Grand Theft Auto 5 roleplay, I must admit: I’m knackered.

For a long time now, I’ve flirted with the idea of truly committing to a server’s RP rules without listening to the pint-sized devil on my shoulder. When not chasing missions in Story Mode or GTA Online, I bet you’ve had a bash at playing by the book in Grand Theft Auto. I bet you’ve driven at the speed limit and stopped at red lights. I bet you’ve had fun, for a wee while, before strolling down the sidewalk and sticking the head on an innocent passer-by just because, well, you can.

More than GTA 5’s vanilla modes allow, though, the roleplay scene lets you sign up to a 9-5 lifestyle wholeheartedly. In doing so myself, I’ve discovered an entirely new game. And I love it.

With this, combined with end-of-year reflection, new year’s resolutions and the spirit of giving during the holiday season in mind, my latest roleplay endeavour saw me throw myself into a courier job with GoPostal. I stuck religiously to an in-game schedule as I commuted to work on my BMX bike, bought my lunch at the local gas station, worked a shift, clocked off at the end of the day, and returned home.

Similar to how Andy enjoys simulator games, I found myself utterly captivated by the systematic monotony of my self-imposed rules, and, as conceited as it may sound, discovered a degree of serenity I never thought possible in a game otherwise associated with murder, drug deals and robbing banks.

Playing as a delivery man at Christmas, with Free Mode’s snowfall filter in full-swing, I quickly took on the mantle of makeshift Los Santos Santa Claus. I galvanised the holiday vibe by playing a Christmas playlist in real life, which, in essence, meant playing Chris Rea’s ‘Driving Home For Christmas’ on repeat, because, let’s be clear, it’s the best Christmas song in the history of Christmas songs.

I'm driving home for Christmas. Oh, I can't wait to see those faces.

What a tune, I think to myself, as I set up camp in the Clinton Residence – Auntie D’s house in Strawberry, otherwise known as the Forum Drive safehouse, and, for the purpose of this roleplay endeavour, ‘home’.

Monday, December 16

6am

In the Grand Theft Auto HD Universe (from GTA 4 onwards), one in-game hour is equivocal to two real-life minutes. One in-game day, then, is 48 real-life minutes-long. My day starts at 6am, and work begins at 8, which means I’ve allowed myself four minutes to grab lunch from the 24/7 garage round the corner, before cycling to the GoPostal depot in Downtown Vinewood on the other side of town. No bother.

“Welcome to 24/7, the most convenient store in America,” says the clerk as I come through the door. I nod, smile and order a handful of Meteorite bars, Ps & Qs and Ego Chasers. I grab a couple of cans of ECola, hop back on my BMX and head for work. Los Santos never sleeps, they say, but it’s a bit bleary-eyed at this hour as I make my way across the city, singing all the way.

I'm driving home for Christmas, yeah. Well I'm moving down that line.

7:50am

I climb the hill towards the office, take a glance over my shoulder and admire the morning sun that blankets the buildings at my back. I get changed into my uniform and receive my delivery route. My first drop is at the Paleto Bay Sheriff Office, which is quite a drive away. I pull away from headquarters, mute the in-game radio, turn up my real-life speaker, and hit the road.

And it's been so long. But I will be there. I sing this song. To pass the time away.

Driving in my car. Driving home for Christmas.

Honestly, man, what a tune. After Paleto Bay, I’m sent to Vespucci Beach, then to a property near Legion Square, north to Grapeseed, west to North Chumash, then south to La Puerta. I pull in to the side of the road in Little Seoul and tuck into my convenience store-bought lunch, before being sent to another handful of stops up and down the map before closing time at five bells.

5:15pm

Back at HQ, I ditch the work van, jump back on my two-wheeler and briefly consider stopping off for a cold one in Gefängnis to celebrate my first shift, but decide against it. I’ve got a busy week ahead, and these presents ain’t going to deliver themselves.

It's gonna take some time. But I'll get there. Top to toe in tailbaaaaaaccckkkkssss.

Friday, December 20

11:30am

The next few days play out much the same until Friday. Oh, my days, Friday. After a typically innocuous start to my route, my van breaks down because, the dummy that I am, I forget cars in this server require refilling at gas stations and I’m flat out. I push my car to the side of the road, and, despite being on the peripheral of the city, struggle to hitch a ride.

On foot, I make my way north, towards the Tongva Valley, which, I reckon, is as good as any place to catch another drivers’ attention. Before long, I do exactly that but appear to simultaneously piss off a roleplayer who promptly calls the cops on me. Bit harsh, I tell him, while refusing to “wait here for the authorities” – instead, pegging it back down the road in the opposite direction.

As fate would have it, a lovely Royal Mail worker does offer me a ride – odd, given Los Santos is a faux version of Los Angeles, situated some 5,160 miles away from where the five-century-old British courier service tends to operate. I don’t ask questions and assume it’s a Christmas miracle.

1:45pm

The Royal Mail operator, Becky, and I spend the next five minutes chatting about Christmas, our families, the San Andreas courier community, and our favourite festive tunes. Becky prefers Mariah Carey, it turns out, but admits Chris Rea is a close second. I don’t react. She’s doing me a favour, after all.

As we make our way over the Tongva Valley Bridge we chat some more before – BANG – some arsehole hits the side of our van and runs us off the road. We tumble down the embankment and crash into the river below. Panicked, I scramble out of the truck and swim to shore. I shout to Becky to see if she’s okay, but she’s nowhere to be seen. I look back and see a shadow bobbing just beneath the surface. She didn’t make it.

I make my way for the woods and keep walking. I don’t really know where I’m going but I keep walking. And walking and walking.

Oh, I got red lights on the run. But soon there'll be a freeway yeah. Get my feet on holy ground.

Saturday, December 21

2:10am

It’s all gone a bit Planes, Trains and Automobiles by this point, as I’m starving, exhausted and without any means of transport. After half-a-days’ worth of roving, I make it back to Auntie D’s house and turn in.

9:30am

In the morning, I arrive at work and explain my day from hell to my boss who takes the news surprisingly well. I’m assigned a new van, a new route and told to go about my day as normal.

And so I’m back on the road, navigating snowy San Andreas, delivering gifts and half-considering switching up my Christmas playlist in memory of my fallen courier comrade. I mean, I won’t. That’d be ludicrous. But I will croon in her honour.

So I sing for you. Though you can't hear me. When I get through. And feel you near me…

Driving in my car. I'm driving home for Christmas.

Driving home for Christmas. With a thousand memories.

I’ve sunk hundreds of hours into exploring San Andreas from top-to-tail in pursuit of outlandish RP ventures, and I’ve gradually grown to appreciate the beauty of the setting. For me, despite it now being over six years old, there’s not a modern open-world setting out there that comes close to the faux California’s beautifully incongruous sprawl – a dysfunctional hash of urban, suburban and rural regions, all boasting their own charm and allure.

Sure, breaking the rules yields entertaining tales, but there’s something to be said for just living in Los Santos, and appreciating its world without its in-yer-face distractions.

10:00am

I’m now stuck in gridlock and the city is abuzz around me. I take it all in. The bright lights. The steady hum of traffic. The revellers pouring out of nightclubs onto the sidewalks. The police choppers marshalling the sky like mechanical angels above. I love this city.

I take a look at the driver next to me. He’s just the same.

Just the same.

Merry Christmas.

Where are all the GTA Online signal jammers? Grand Theft Auto Online's latest update, The Diamond Casino Heist, includes a tense new bank job where players are tasked with breaking into the swanky casino. One way to ensure that you and your team can get mega bucks on the maximum GTA Casino heist payout is to get some professional bods in. One way you can do that is to locate and destroy 50 GTA 5 signal jammers hidden throughout the anarchic world map.

Tracking down and blowing up all 50 jammers might seem like a time-consuming task, but doing so gives you cash and RP, but also unlocks Avi Schwartzman, a support crew member who can offer his excellent hacking skills to help you in this, the toughest of bank jobs to date. You might recognise Avi from his help on the Pacific Standard Job: he's the go-to guy for accessing well-defended doors. Sure, he may be slightly paranoid, but his skills will give your criminal operation some professional flair. 

GTA Online signal jammers locations

The signal jammers are hidden all over GTA Online's map. They are quite small, but as you get closer to one, you'll be able to hear it beeping and see its blinking red light. Many are hidden at the top of bridges or buildings so make sure you have a airborne vehicle to hand. Also, hunt them down at night when that blinking light makes them easier to spot. They can be destroyed with any gun, but stick to something with decent range. 

Or you can use GTA Series Videos to help you out. They've found all 50 signal jammer locations in GTA Online and put them in one handy video. As they find each one, they open the map and pinpoint their location, making finding those pesky jammers, and future heists, as easy as taking candy from a baby. Check out the video below.

As well as the heist, The Diamond Casino Heist update also includes new weapons, collectibles, and music. Rockstar has also made some balance changes that make it more difficult to grief other players. But when it comes to the heist, that gets you a hefty payout. And if cash is your thing, here's how to make money in GTA Online.   

How much is the GTA Casino Heist payout? The latest gambling-themed update for GTA Online is here: The Diamond Casino Heist. The plush new cash vacuum may have persuaded plenty of players to part with their hard-earned dollars after it finally opened a few months ago, but now you have the opportunity to take some of it back—thanks to the backing of the Cheng family, and a certain special operative if you destroy all the GTA signal jammers.

But this isn't any old bank job: according to Rockstar, this is "the biggest, most audacious, most complex criminal operation ever to hit Los Santos." This is a heist that'll be expensive in both time and resources, so it's important to know the maximum you can earn from breaching the well-defended Diamond vault and relieving the Duggan family of their cash. Here's everything you need to know about the Diamond Casino Heist payout.

What is the GTA Casino Heist payout?

According to Reddit, the maximum Diamond Casino Heist payout is GTA$2.1 million. While that's an attractively chunky sum, note that Lester will take 60k as his cut. Then the rest will be split among the heists participants; you can take on the heist in groups of either two, three, or four players, so your fee will be lower the more burglars make up your criminal gang.

That said, before you can even start this daring raid, you need to buy a retro arcade property. You can secure Pixel Pete's arcade in Paleto Bay for free if you've got Twitch Prime linked to the game. If not, you'll need to find Lester in Mirror Park and find the list of available arcades to purchase on EyeFind.

Once you've done that you can start planning the mission, which involves hacking keypads and getting past reinforced vault doors, often violently. Buying an arcade is mandatory for starting the Diamond Heist, so here's our guide on how to make money in GTA Online if your pockets are feeling a touch light.

GTA Online players have been able to gamble themselves into penury at the Diamond Casino and Resort since July, but soon it will be time to get down to what they've really wanted to do all along: Rip the place off. Starting on December 12, players will be able to take part in The Diamond Casino Heist, which is being billed as "the biggest, most audacious, most complex criminal operation" in the history of Los Santos.

Rockstar said the casino job "is an all-new approach to Heist architecture and execution," with "a diverse range of opportunities for set-up and prep missions that shape your plan of attack, multiple paths of approach, constantly changing security measures and a dizzying array of choices once inside." The many variables and mid-mission choices in play mean that situations and outcomes will change on the fly, which should lead to some "interesting" scenarios. Fortunately, if things go really sideways it will of course be possible to blast your way out, enabling players to avoid a mission failure and carry on with the job.

(I would think that a sneaky casino ripoff would be seriously undermined by the sudden appearance of a rampaging gang with machine guns, but I've never heisted a casino so maybe I don't have a firm grasp on the underlying mechanics.)

Players cannot, however, just blast their way in and crab the cash, which would be far too simple. Complexity really does seem to be the name of this particular game: Crew leaders will apparently have to set up a "retro arcade business" as a front, for instance, which will serve as headquarters where operations are staged and planned. In the basement, players can practice hacking keypads and cracking vaults, and store equipment and getaway vehicles.

Rockstar didn't explain how this great and complicated plan will ultimately come together, but said that details will be revealed when the mode goes live next week.

From the very beginning, Rockstar North wanted Grand Theft Auto 5’s multiplayer mode to faithfully replicate the GTA experience online, with the same level of quality as singleplayer. "We used the game’s architecture, geography, and mechanics as a foundation and wanted the same kind of wide array of activities, and the ability to build on them to create new experiences," says Rob Nelson, co-studio head at Rockstar North, reflecting on the GTA Online journey so far. 

"We’ve always wanted to build these immersive, complex living worlds to hold our stories, regardless of whether it’s for a single player or multiple," he says. "We had created complex systems for weather, traffic, population, and more, to give people as much freedom as we possibly could to create unique experiences. 

"And creating online versions of these worlds has shown us how to deepen and extend those experiences in new ways. By letting players share the space together, and through activities like heists, we help people create stories of their own, and over time they become more connected to the world." 

Grand Theft Auto Online has been around since 2013, on Xbox 360 and PS3, and the original release seems almost simplistic compared to what exists today. When it first launched there wasn’t all that much to do, but now there are countless distractions, from running guns to robbing banks. 

I ask Nelson how the game people are playing now compares to the studio’s original vision. 

"It’s in line with our initial ideas, but six years on from launch, and even longer since we initially conceptualised it, it’s grown deeper and evolved in more directions than we sketched out," he says. "GTA Online players are comprised of a series of smaller audiences that like to play it in different ways. So with the foundations in place we started creating updates that served each of these audiences."

Bask in robbing

There have been a not-insignificant 31 updates for GTA Online since 2013. Some, like 2014’s I’m Not a Hipster add new clothes, cars and jobs; others, such as 2015’s long-awaited Heists, change the game entirely. "As we became more confident that fans would understand how these updates would connect to the regular world of GTA Online," says Nelson. "It freed us up to create even crazier updates."

Cunning Stunts, which added wild Hot Wheels-esque tracks to the game, with boosts, corkscrews, and jumps, is perhaps the best example of this. While exaggerated and larger than life in its own way, Grand Theft Auto V’s singleplayer is at least rooted in some kind of logic or realism. But in the anarchic GTA Online, Rockstar can do anything it likes, whether it makes sense or not. 

Parity between singleplayer and multiplayer has been a priority for Rockstar for years, and this is particularly evident in its most recent game, Red Dead Redemption 2, which blends the two even more seamlessly than GTA V. I ask Nelson how making content for a solo player compares to creating it for many. 

"You are trying, wherever possible, to ensure that players can feel central to the action and essential to whatever is going on," he says. "Particularly at the highest level with something like the heists. You’re trying to design inside an open world for players that may be very distant from each other. 

"But at the same time you want the action to feel like it’s moving forward for everyone at roughly the same time. When it works it feels incredible and we’re really proud of what we created for the Heists content, and how we’ve managed to push those ideas forward between the original set and the structure of the Doomsday Heist. And we think we can improve on them even further."

One of the most impressive things about GTA Online is how Rockstar has managed to squeeze six years of content out of one world. Los Santos and Blaine County, the countryside surrounding it, are big, sure, but not that big. I ask Nelson if having this relatively limited space to work with makes releasing GTA Online content, while ensuring it feels fresh and exciting, is a challenge for the team.

"It’s not really a limitation, because it’s a framework to create in," says Nelson. "It’s really about getting creative with every corner of the world so that players can see aspects of its design with fresh eyes, and building architecture and other parts of the game with a view to having multiple possible uses for them.

"We can go ‘into’ the world by creating additional interiors like the Maze Bank Arena, missile silos, or the underground bunkers. But we also have the opportunity to change the topography in major ways, like the Diamond Casino & Resort building. There’s a lot more we can do with the world we’ve made before we’re going to feel like we’re pushing the limits of what it can handle.

"We have great people at every level of the company who play the game all the time and who are constantly coming up with new ways to add to the world. It’s a credit to the entire team, from the initial world-building that sets up the universe, through to scripting, animation, and the mission design."

One of the most interesting developments in GTA Online didn’t come entirely from Rockstar. The role-playing scene on PC has grown in popularity recently, with people running custom servers that let you play the game like a kind of bizarre life simulator, including getting a job and following permadeath rules.

"It’s fascinating," says Nelson when I ask him how Rockstar feels about it. "People are taking it far beyond traditional game structures and we love seeing what people get up to. They’ve essentially had to break the game down to do it, but it shows that not only are people constantly looking for ways to create different kinds of immersive experiences, but that others enjoy watching what they do. We’ve always wanted people to role-play. Even in the singleplayer games we’re providing an opportunity to play as a character in a specific kind of world.

"As we have developed our online worlds we’ve wanted it to be an opportunity for players to role-play as their own characters within the structure of that world we’ve built. In Red Dead Online we took another step by giving players specific roles, but we think there’s a lot of ways we can improve that experience."

So some players like to role-play, but what other kinds of GTA Online players are there? I ask Nelson what Rockstar North has learned about player habits while working on the game. “The most interesting thing, but maybe not surprising, is that what people say they want isn’t necessarily what they want.

“Sometimes we will release an update and see a lot of negative social media feedback. But we learn by the way that people are engaging with it that it’s actually really popular. We’ve always been trying to deliver something our audience will enjoy and we’ve learned a ton about the game through player habits.

“Player feedback is always a part of our overall decision-making process in terms of guiding the moving parts of any given update. We often have the larger concepts we want to pursue from update to update as part of our near-to-long- term planning, but the team is constantly looking at player data or the feedback the community sends us to see how we can improve what we’re building as we go.

“We try to learn lessons from everything we do and apply them to the next project, so the first place GTA Online design has and will continue to have an influence is the design of Red Dead Online. The games have a different feel and pace, but creating passive mode for GTA Online was really helpful when we were designing the defensive playing style for Red Dead Online. We now have an amazing opportunity to evolve two very distinct worlds in different directions."

Looking to the future

As for the future of GTA Online, Rockstar has no immediate plans to stop working on it. "We try to keep plans going roughly a year out, but we want to have the flexibility to be responsive to any changes," says Nelson. "So we choose not to telegraph that entire timeline to players. That said, players should feel confident that we have a ton of brand new ideas still to come. It’s been six years and we just hit record player numbers and we are all incredibly grateful to everyone who’s been with us along the way. 

"In terms of what’s coming up, Halloween should be a lot of fun this year and we’ve got really exciting plans for later in the holiday season and beyond."

It appears that Rockstar Games could be moving in earnest toward the next Grand Theft Auto reveal: Earlier this month, hip hop group City Morgue shared an image on Instagram suggesting that it was involved in a partnership with the studio that would be revealed next summer.

There's no direct reference to the series, but music is a major part of the GTA series and while I'm not familiar with City Morgue's work, I think it's safe to say that it'd be a good fit for a radio station or two. It's possible that the tweet is related to a new Bully game instead, although that seems like a bit more of a stretch, as does the possibility of a Bully sequel in general.

As noted last week by PlayStation Universe (via GamesRadar), Rockstar recently posted a job listing for a animation systems engineer, "to help us in developing advanced animation systems for large open world character-based games." That description could be fairly applied to other Rockstar games, though, including Grand Theft Auto 5, which despite being six years old is still tremendously popular, and maintain a solid grip in the top ten most popular games on Steam.

Rockstar has collaborated with numerous musicians in GTA5 previously—Frank Ocean got his own personal radio station—and it's possible that this could be a something similar to last year's appearance of Tale of Us, Dixon, Solomun, and The Black Madonna in GTA Online. But the temporal distance makes me think that this could be something bigger. The Black Madonna teased the "summer 2018" GTA Online appearance just a couple of months before it happened, not half a year.

Whatever's going on, it does appear to be serious: Via redditor Wardoganthem187, City Morgue said that more information would be coming "soon." Steven Ogg, who voiced Trevor Philips in GTA5, said the same thing during the recent Brazil Game Show, and with new console hardware expected to arrive at the end of 2020, a mid-year reveal of a next-gen GTA wouldn't surprise me at all.

You killed them too, don't you dare tell me otherwise. You slaughtered every last one of them. And you laughed. You laughed and laughed as you gleefully mowed them down, crushing their bones and their spirits into the tarmac in one swoop.

Sometimes, between missions or betwixt run-ins with the law, you combed the streets, listening for their song—low-pitched and twee. You chased the chorale until you caught sight of their shiny bald heads and vibrant orange threads. Then it was on. You lined up your ride, kicked into gear, and sent the lot of them tumbling like a set of blood-spattered bowling pins. Across your screen, the glorious message read: GOURANGA.

Killing seven of these chaps at once in Rockstar North's (then DMA Design) 1997 sandbox crime simulator Grand Theft Auto was, perversely, glorious. Running the cluster over, taking them out one-by-one, seeing that hallowed catchphrase—which loosely translates to 'Be Happy'—was, for some reason, so very satisfying. As was the four-star police chase that invariably followed. I lost so much time arsing around in those first top-down iterations of Liberty City, Vice and San Andreas, seeking out the talking targets and laying them flat.

I wasn't a fan of the group's dubious gangland incarnation that appeared in GTA 2, and I was always a wee bit miffed they didn't feature again in the series' 3D universe or beyond. For me, each in-game GOURANGA spoke to the free-for-all, controversial and crass nature of the first late '90s Grand Theft Auto. 

Just as satisfying, was the pacifist approach, whereby nudging the leader of the pack a few times would see him follow your lead. Before long, you'd be the one guiding the group, on-song, weaving in and out of each town's hustle and bustle. Which is what modern-day GTA is missing, really. Never mind flashy cars, high-grade weapons or single-player DLC—getting the Gouranga Gang back together should be top of Rockstar's list of future update plans.

I'm so sure of this fact that, in the meantime, I decided to take my throwback plan to the Grand Theft Auto 5 roleplay scene. If you've followed any of my GTA RP exploits before now, my latest venture was typically far from straightforward.

Step 1: The Outfitting Stage

If I was going to recreate a Grand Theft Auto Gouranga gang, I had to go all in. Or, at least, as all in as the roleplay server I played in would allow. After choosing a bald avatar in-line with my source material, my next order of business was my wardrobe—an orange robe and sandals, if possible—and so I set off for the Textile City-Sinners Passage branch of Binco Clothing. After pouring over the racks and stands, I cobbled together the closest outfit to the original GTA revellers as I could: 

• A crappy yellow/orange t-shirt
• A pair of baggy '90s illegal rave-aping orange trousers
• A pair of cheap-looking white flip flops

I'm not going to lie, I looked like a cross between an escaped convict and a lads' holiday. And not a cool convict either. Less Simon Adebisi from Oz, more Emilio Rebenga from Scarface. Lads' holidays, of course, have never been cool. I sighed, and realised it was the best I could do.  

And anyway, spirit and enthusiasm were the key ingredients here. Halfway through my outfitting, another shopper entered the store. He started the same process of toggling through potential new threads. I decided to feel him out. 

Do you remember the chant the Gouranga guys made in the first GTA? Ho-ho-ruh-ho, ho-ho-ruh-ho, ho-ho-ruh-ho—something like that? Standing in front of the mirror, admiring my new rigout, I murmured it, quietly, at first. I paused, tried to gauge the chap opposite's reaction. Nothing. 

I went a little louder. Ho-Ho-Ru-Ho. Still nothing. Was this plan misjudged? Probably. Was I showing my age? Definitely. I mean, 1997 is a long time ago. What if the players in this server weren't alive in '97? But, even if that were the case, surely everyone in a GTA server would get the reference, right? I skipped out, hopped on my mountain bike, and made for the server's de-facto meet-up hub, Legion Square. 

Step 2: The Pitching Stage

"Do you remember the Gouranga guys from the first Grand Theft Auto?" 

That was my shtick, plain and simple. I probably should've made up a backstory with roleplay in mind, but I didn't want to overcomplicate things. Folk might not understand who I was on about if I didn't play it straight, and I already had my doubts about how many people would actually remember a pretty minor detail from a game over two decades old.  

To my surprise, more people remembered than I thought.   

"Yeah," I think was one man's reply. "I remember. They had that cool song."

"The orange-robed dudes," I'm sure another woman said. "You'd knock them all down."

"Yes!" I replied. "Be Happy!"  I introduced the chant. Ho-ho-ruh-ho, ho-ho-ruh-ho.

I spotted another bald man across the street. I noticed he was wearing civilian clothes, but I pitched him the same line. He nodded without saying a word. A vow of silence? This guy was devout.

Step 3: The Chanting Stage

Now, with my gang of believers growing, it was time to kick things up a notch. 

"Ho-ho-ruh-ho," I whispered into my mic. I paused. I won't lie, it felt good.  

"Ho-ho-ruh-ho, Ho-ho-ruh-ho." I grew more confident with each breath. 

"HO-HO-RUH-HO!"

"HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO!" 

Now, I can't say for sure if I embodied some sort of spiritual awakening from this point, but I went for it. Seriously, I freaking went for it. I belted out the manta over my headset, up on my feet in real life, chanting at my monitor, hopping from my left foot to my right and then back again, marching around Legion Square. 

"HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO!" 

I could barely hear my girlfriend screaming from downstairs. 

"DAMNIT JOE, YOU'VE WOKEN THE BABY AGAIN."

"HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO! HO-HO-RUH-HO!" 

The wee one will forgive me, I thought to myself, if only she could remember her father, in this glorious moment, years from now. 

My ragtag crew of haphazard followers joined in. 

"HO-HO-RUH-HO!" 

"HO-HO-RUH-HO!" 

Players across the street ran over to join the street conga. I'm certain no one really knew what was going on or why they were singing at all. HO-HO-RUH-HO! So inspired was I by the frenzy, so caught up in the gusto, that I'd pretty much forgotten the whats and whys and hows of it all as well.

I was ecstatic, mentally in-tune with the world, Zen. I felt, dare I say it, Gouranga.

Step 4: The 'Hold The Bus' Stage

Except… did I? My mind was actually a bit cloudy. My head was spinning, in fact. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. 

Did I visit an elevated plane? In fact, did anyone actually join in? How much of all of this narrative could I actually remember? 

I mean, I remember going to Binco and sorting out my outfit.

 I remember posing in the mirror, and chanting.

I remember asking around Legion. 

I remember my shtick—Do you remember the Gouranga guys from the first Grand Theft Auto?—and, actually, being told no time and time and time again. 

No. No. No. 

The first GTA? Who remembers that? 

What, the game from the '90s? Are you actual serious?

I don't, no, but that singing sure is irritating, pal.

I remember circling back and doubling down. "You need to get some shoes on, mate." Nice one.

I remember two guys getting really upset with my mantra. My outfit glitched out, too. It seems even the server was against me.

In fact, before all of this, I remember… a bus? An actual bus. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus because I had been hit by an actual bus.

I remember a considerable amount of pain.

Concussion. Black outs. Aimless running. Mindless chanting.

Exhaustion.

Delirium.

GOURANGA.

I suffered my own Tyler Durden-inspired, skewed timeline episode. I am Jack's sense of failure.

No one in my particular corner of the GTA roleplay scene remembered the Gouranga guys from the first ever Grand Theft Auto of 1997. Not one person, out of the 30 or so people I asked. How depressing. My character found his own, dream-swept dimension, but it was a solo effort all along. 

You start to hallucinate. So be it. Here we are. Welcome to GTA roleplay, where you see out the charade—no matter what misfortune the deck deals you. The first rule of good roleplay is: do not break roleplay protocol. Even when hit by a bus. To be fair, I guess my solo outcome wasn't much different from the Gouranga gangs of old after all. Amid this fever dream, let it never be said I'm not committed to the Grand Theft Auto RP cause.

As for Fight Club's place in all of this… well, that's a story for another time.

Rockstar has added a new game mode to GTA Online called King of the Hill that will pit 16 players, divided into teams, against one another in a battle for dominance across seven different maps. Specifics are a little thin in the announcement—get a gun, grab the high ground is pretty much the extent of it—but to get things rolling, players who take part in the mode will be awarded double GTA$ and RP until October 16.

Also on the menu this week is a new sports car, the Ocelot Jugular, a mean machine that sounds like my kind of ride: "This baby can cut down the road with the precision of a surgeon, if that surgeon had an impact force of multiple kilonewtons and could backhand a man with a slap mass of several metric tons." Now that's a car I could pick up some groceries with.

Players taking on any Client Jobs between now and October 16 will earn double GTA$ and RP, and Special Cargo Sell Missions will also deliver double GTA$ this week. Players can also take a shot at winning GTA$, RP, clothing, and maybe even a Principe Deveste Eight supercar with a spin of the Lucky Wheel at the Diamond Casino and Resort.

If you're new(ish) to GTA Online, don't miss our guides on how to make money fast and win big at the casino—which, for the record, are separate things. For something a little less practical, here's Joe talking about the time he became a vampire and turned an abandoned nightclub into his personal hunting ground, with somewhat less than stellar success.

When the Rockstar Games Launcher appeared earlier this week the Steam version of Grand Theft Auto 5 suddenly stopped being playable in offline mode. Rockstar were quick to announce that this was a bug, and they hadn't made any changes to GTA 5's DRM.

The bug has now been fixed, and there's a ticket for it on Rockstar's support site. Here's the full text of it.

Question: Why can’t I set GTAV for PC to Offline Mode now that I have updated to the Rockstar Games Launcher?

Answer: In order to Play GTAV in Offline Mode, players will need to:Run the Rockstar Games Launcher and update it to the latest versionSign in to the Rockstar Games LauncherUpdate GTAV to the latest versionLaunch GTAV via the Rockstar Games Launcher while online

So there you go. You'll need to be online to launch it the first time, but after that you should be able to play in offline mode again.