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The Useless Wizard
An alcoholic wizard with no spells, only rocks, must save his village from depraved monster hordes. Tactical action, chaotic weapon combos, and dark humor collide in this unique twist on the Vampire Survivors formula!
Release Date:
Sep 19, 2025
Developer:
Publisher:
Artifex Parvus
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Features
Single-player
Family Sharing
Steam is learning about this game 
Languages:
Interface Full Audio Subtitles
English ✔ ✔
French ✔ ✔
Simplified Chinese ✔ ✔

Coming Soon To Early Access

The developers of this game intend to release as a work in progress, developing with the feedback of players.

Note: Games in Early Access are not complete and may or may not change further. If you are not excited to play this game in its current state, then you should wait to see if the game progresses further in development. Learn more

What the developers have to say:

Why Early Access?

“We chose Early Access to build the game together with our community. Player feedback is essential to balance, improve, and expand the experience. We want to move forward with you and shape the final game together.”

Approximately how long will this game be in Early Access?

“The Early Access phase will be relatively short, about 2 to 3 months, giving us time to add the planned content and polish the experience with player feedback.”

How is the full version planned to differ from the Early Access version?

“How is the full version planned to differ from the Early Access version?
The full version will feature much more content: 6 playable characters, 8 unique worlds to save, and tons of new abilities to unlock. Our goal is to deliver a complete experience with plenty of variety and replayability.”

What is the current state of the Early Access version?

“The current version includes 1 playable character and 1 world. While the content is still limited, the challenge is already strong and offers a complete experience to tackle. New content will be added very soon — within 2 weeks at most — including new characters, worlds, and abilities.”

Will the game be priced differently during and after Early Access?

“Yes. The price will gradually increase as new updates and content are added, to reflect the game’s growth toward the full release.”

How are you planning on involving the Community in your development process?

“We aim to work hand in hand with our community. Player feedback will be essential to balance gameplay, fix bugs, and add new features. We will encourage discussions, suggestions, and regular testing to evolve the game together.”
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This game is not yet available on Steam

Planned Release Date: Sep 19, 2025

This game plans to unlock in approximately 5 days

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About This Game

The village is under attack. Grotesque monster hordes suddenly appear, and the villagers place their last hope in the only wizard around… an alcoholic retiree who knows absolutely no spells. His one and only weapon? Rocks. Lots of rocks.

In The Useless Wizard, absurd humor meets tactical action. Each “day” lasts 5 minutes, during which you must protect the village women from monsters. If they reach the left edge of the screen, they’ll carry one off, and if they’re all gone, you lose.

But even with nothing but stones, a true wizard can adapt. Upgrade your throws, stack dozens of ridiculous abilities, and unleash chaotic weapon combos that turn every run into total mayhem… often uncontrollable.

Key Features:

  • ⚔️ A tactical twist on Vampire Survivors: manage enemies on both horizontal and vertical planes.

  • 🪨 A pathetic yet lovable hero: an alcoholic wizard with no spells, armed only with rocks.

  • 😂 Absurd, tongue-in-cheek humor: silly monsters, bizarre abilities, and unpredictable situations.

  • 🔥 Unlimited combos: every upgrade stacks—no exceptions—leading to powerful, hilarious, and sometimes disastrous effects.

  • ⏳ Fast-paced sessions: survive “day” after “day,” 5 minutes each, with new enemies and bosses gaining powers over time.

Saving a village with a useless wizard might sound impossible. Maybe it is… but at least it’ll be hilarious.

AI Generated Content Disclosure

The developers describe how their game uses AI Generated Content like this:

Using AI tools in creating illustrations.

System Requirements

    Minimum:
    • OS: Windows 10 64 bits
    • Processor: Dual Core 3 GHz
    • Graphics: NVIDIA® GeForce® GTX 960 or higher
    • DirectX: Version 11
    • Storage: 100 MB available space
    Recommended:
    • OS: Windows 10 64 bits
    • Processor: Quad Core 3 GHz
    • Graphics: NVIDIA® GeForce® GTX 2060 or higher
    • DirectX: Version 11
    • Storage: 100 MB available space
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