The <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/pyromania/">third and final day</a> of Pyromania is here, and the update is now <i>live!</i> New new items! New achievements! A new game mode! Pyrovision! Bongos! It's all live right now! In fact, this is such a big deal, we're doing it! We're HITTING THE ALL-CAPS KEY! WE'VE BEEN SAVING THIS FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION, AND IT DOESN’T GET ANY SPECIALER THAN THIS! MAN, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE SCREAMING! IT'S LIKE A MILLION VOICES CRIED OUT IN TERROR, AND THEN JUST GOT LOUDER!
WHAT'S THAT, ROBIN?
okay, caps lock key is off. we can't even capitalize our sentences now because they took our caps lock key away. didn't take our exclamation mark key though!!!!!! oh hellz yeah okay they just took that too. enjoy the update, everybody.
oh, hey, also: just because this is the last meet the movie, don't think it’s the last update you’ll see from us. we have big plans for the future of tf, so stay tuned [exclamation mark]
Also! Because today's new items contain some Meet the Pyro spoilers, we're gonna hold off on announcing those until the update’s ready later today.
But! We <i>are</i> announcing something else RIGHT NOW: The beta release of the Source Filmmaker, the tool we use internally to make all of our "Meet the Team" shorts. You can <a href="http://www.sourcefilmmaker.com">check it out here</a>.
At the end of the day, the Pyromania update is a celebration—not just of Team Fortress, but more importantly of <i>you</i>, the TF community, and even more importantly than that, of us, the TF blog post writers, and how great yesterday's blog post was. That Men Without Hats material was a career high. In fact, we decided to never touch this blog again in the hope that it might be preserved in a perfect state for future generations.
You’re probably wondering, then, why we’re crapping up the blog with the crummy words you’re reading right now. Well, if you thought <i>writing</i> blog posts barely qualifies as a job, it turns out <i>not</i> writing them is apparently a lot worse. So as an alternative to getting fired, welcome to <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/pyromania/cityonfire">Pyromania Day Two</a>'s blog post, which we've chosen to use as a moment of quiet reflection on the stellar comedic heights we hit yesterday. We've also only got one more day until Pyromania goes live, exploding into a fireball of new item sets, a new game mode, and of course, Meet the Pyro.
That only left the issue of what to <i>call</i> the update. Luckily, at the very moment we were thinking about it, someone turned on the radio. Guess what song was on? That's right: 'Safety Dance'.
"That's a pretty catchy song," we said. "Who sings that?" Well, we don't want to upset you, so we won't type it here, but suffice it to say the band that wrote 'Safety Dance' has the most unthinkably offensive name we've ever heard.
Then 'Rock of Ages' came on, off Def Leppard's album <i>Pyromania</i>, so we turned off the radio because it wasn't helping. Suddenly, no thanks at all to music, we came up with the name on our own: <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/pyromania">The Pyromania Update</a>.
Despite my continued efforts to better you by yelling at you through a microphone to do better, it is often difficult -- and thus disheartening -- to figure out if any of you damp piles of mulch are actually improving.
I found the answer, in all places, in one of the insipid gun-themed women's magazines Miss Pauling leaves lying around, where I stumbled on an article about self-improvement. It was a revelation: Instead of screaming at you to improve, I could scream at you while you <i>improved yourselves</i>.
I immediately telephoned Mann Co. and demanded to speak to Mister Reddy. Then that lummox Saxton Hale intercepted the call. I tried to explain my idea as patiently as possible, telling him about self-improvement. ("If they're like me, Helen, they're already perfect. And if you take something perfect and make it more than perfect, you get, hell, probably a wormhole or something. Damned scientists. No, I don't like it.") I explained the possibility of mercenaries tracking their own statistics. ("If they're like me, they win 100% of their battles in the best way possible. If they need to remember that, they can write it on their hands like I do.") Several minutes of this and many clumsy pick-up lines later (something about steak dinners), I lost my patience entirely and told him to put his assistant Reddy on the damn phone, and between us we hashed out a plan.
Interested in self-improvement, mercenaries? Of course you are. Read on.
<strong>The Per Diem Perk</strong>
Mister Reddy has prepared <b>three absolutely unique one-of-a-kind hats</b> that will rotate through the mercenary community every day. Who will get them? The three mercs who <b>give the most gifts, win the most duels,</b> and <b>purchase the most map stamps</b> on a given day. Presumably wearing these one-of-a-kind hats will make the winners feel like they've achieved something. Or not, I could give a damn. So long as they make you all better killing machines.
Only found in crates, Strange Parts will help you study specific aspects of (what I charitably call) your performance in battle by letting you customize your favorite Strange weapon. Now you're free to track the number of enemies you gib, projectiles you reflect, heads you've shot, and more. It is Mister Reddy's hope that you will be able to track your performance and celebrate improvements while isolating weaknesses. It is my hope that when you're confronted with the abysmally small numbers you wastes of space are doubtlessly achieving, you'll stop goldbricking around and do something.
Also, Mister Reddy asked me to remind you that Strange Parts are still a work in progress. So if the mood takes you, visit the TF2 forum and let him know what you're interested in tracking. I’m sure he'll do his utmost to accommodate you. Moreso than I would if you came to me with your problems, at any rate, unless your problem is that you love shallow graves and hate breathing.
There. Enough motivation. Now. IMPROVE or I'll DESTROY YOU.
If there's one thing we know more about than hats, it's probably romance. Remember that romantic scene in Say Anything where John Cusack holds up a boom box in the rain? Well, we hold stuff up in the rain all the time. Golf clubs. Our wallets. An umbrella. Whatever's handy, really. And do the girls go for it? Hard to tell - it rains pretty hard in Seattle, so the limited visibility combined with wind shear makes it tough to see the appreciation on the ladies' faces.
Anyway, today's Valentine's Day, and that means if you're dating or married, you're going to drop somewhere in the area of $600 tonight on flowers, dinner, babysitters, hot air balloon rides, a hospital bill for rain-related holding injuries (Seattle only). It adds up fast, and you might be asking yourself at the end of the night, "Was it all worth it?" The answer, emphatically, is no. Happy Valentine's Day, stupid.
But wait! What if we told you that you could waste as much as 1/6 less money this Valentine's Day? What if we added that you could do it without even leaving your house? Then what if we sweetened the deal further by saying sorry for calling you stupid earlier?
Introducing the "Something Special For Someone Special". It's ring-shaped, it's gift-wrapped, it's basically useless, and it's really expensive ($100!). In short, it's the most accurate simulation of an actual Valentine's Day gift ever made available to the public.
Here's how it works:
First, it's not tradable, only giftable. When it shows up in your special someone's backpack, they can click on it to open a menu that will let them accept your proposal. Once the proposal's been accepted, a message will be broadcast to the entire TF community that will include your name, your special someone's name, and whatever you decided to call the ring. Then presto, the gift turns into two matching diamond bands you can wear in the rain while you smooch up a storm, you crazy kids.
<i>My radio's bad from the Boulevard.
I'm a hip-hop gangster and my name is Todd.
Terrorising my neighbours with the heavy bass.
I keep the suckas in fear by the look on my face.</i>
-LL Cool J, 1985
Most people only know LL Cool J as a rapper, actor, fashion designer, record producer, and author. Now, though, you can add "spooky-ass Nostradamus" to that list, because we've just released a misc slot item for the Scout called "The Boston Boom Bringer" that pretty much exactly matches the lyrics LL penned <i>almost thirty years ago.</i> Is it a radio? Yes! Is it "bad"? Yes! When you taunt while it's equipped, will it play music to terrorize your neighbors and scare suckas? Yes! Are you a hip-hop gangster named Todd? That's gonna vary from person to person, obviously, but it's not totally out of the question! The point is, there's probably an LL Cool J song that predicts your death. The secondary point is everything we just said about the sweet new boom box item.
If you thought the end of the world was the only thing to look forward to in 2012, guess again. There's a ton of TF2 stuff on the horizon, running for their lives just slightly ahead of the Mayan blood tornadoes.
<b>A Secret TF2 Project!</b>
The TF2 team is working on something brand new for 2012. We can't tell you what it is, because they won't tell us, but what they WILL say is that it isn't a hat, it isn't a map, and go away. From this we can only conclude that the TF2 team is working on some ungodly hat-map hybrid that you can wear on your head while you run around in it. You heard it here first. Also last, because they just told us it's not that either. But it's<br />really cool.
<b>A Steam Workshop Blog!</b>
You might think we went a little overboard putting an exclamation mark on that title, but hear us out: we bought a gross of exclamatory punctuation on eBay, and we've got to get rid of these things before someone finds out how much we spent on them. ($7,000!!!!!!) Anyway, the blog is live! <a href="http://steamcommunity.com/workshop/">Check it out here</a> for the latest workshop news and announcements! There've been nearly 4000 user-generated items submitted so far, and we're going to keep shipping them throughout the year(!), so head over to the Workshop and vote on what you'd like to see."
<b>The Last "Meet the Team" Short</b>
That title probably deserved an exclamation mark, but we over-estimated how many we had and now we're out. This year, the lovable, indecipherable <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/classes.php?class=pyro">Pyro</a> finally gets some time in the spotlight. <i>There will be blood</i>. And not like in the movie <i>There Will Be Blood</i>, either, where there was only blood at the end, and not even very much of it. Ours has lots of blood pretty much all the way through. If the butterscotch mint-sucking old mummies who pick the Academy Awards thought <i>Look Out, There Might Be a Little Blood</i> was great, wait’ll they see how many gallons we managed to cram into our movie. They’re going to have to melt down Fort Knox to make all the Oscars we’re going to win.
<b>The Second Annual Saxxy Awards</b>
Just in case the Oscar mummies don’t recognize the subtle dramatic undertones of the uninterrupted blood explosion that is Meet the Pyro, we can always stack the deck at the Saxxys, our own awards show. This year, expect the Saxxys to be much bigger and better, due to the imminent unveiling of another secret. Is it that we’re giving Meet the Pyro five Oscars? That’s not the secret, but let’s just say we’d like to thank the Academy. More specifically, we’d like to thank the Academy’s lawyers for not reading this blog post.