Uplink

Most patch notes are boring. Fixed a bug that stopped a menu from opening properly. D.Va's Defense Matrix doesn't last as long. Wukong's attack speed is 10 percent slower. That's the usual stuff, chronicling important but dull balance changes across years of a game's life. And then there are patch notes like this: "Added cat butchery." "Made all undead respectful of one another." "Tigerman does not have ears."

That's the good stuff.

Those are the kinds of wonderfully crazy patch notes Dwarf Fortress has given us over the years. Determined to top the absurdity of Dwarf Fortress's bizarre changelogs, I put on my deerstalker, grabbed my magnifying glass, and set out to find the strangest patch notes in the history of PC gaming. These absurdities are the result. 

Rimworld

Alpha 12

  • Colonists will visit graves of dead colonists for a joy activity. 

Alpha 16

  • New alert: Unhappy nudity 

Alpha 17

  • Raiders will no longer compulsively attack doors. 

---

Conan Exiles

Patch 15.2.2017

  • Rhinos should no longer try to walk through players 

Patch 15.2.2017

  • Emus now give less XP 

Patch 23.02.2017

  • Players can no longer use chairs to travel great distances 

Update 24

  • Imps, ostriches and other non-humanoids no longer go bonkers if you hit them with a truncheon 

Update 25

  • Seeing dead people can now lead to great rewards 

Update 28

  • Fixed a small issue where a player in some instances could walk underwater. 

--- 

Rust

Update 149

  • Bucket no longer hostile to peacekeepers 

Update 152

  • Pumpkins only have 1 season (instead of 7) 

August 28, 2014

  • Bald inmate digging grows hair bug fixed 

---  

Terraria

1.2.0.2

  • The game will no longer look for the square root of zero. 

1.2.1

  • Mice can no longer spawn in hell 

1.2.3

  • Red Stucco no longer spreads corruption. 

---  

The Sims 4

02/04/2016

  • Sims carving pumpkins or working at a woodworking table will no longer ignore Sims who die near them. 

02/04/2016

  • Babies will no longer send text messages congratulating your Sims on their marriage, engagement, or pregnancy. 

01/12/2017

  • Confident children will no longer get a whim to practice pick-up lines. 

05/25/2017

  • Babies will no longer change skin tone when they are picked up. 

---  

Don't Starve

January 29th 2013

  • Darts and poop won't magically accumulate at the world origin. 

October 1st 2013

  • You can no longer trade with sleeping pigs. 

November 19th 2013

  • You can properly deploy or murder captured butterflies 

---  

Ark: Survival Evolved

254.9

  • Beers can no longer be eaten by Dinos 

---  

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

1.2

  • Taking items from dead owned creatures is no longer a crime 

--- 

World of Warcraft

1.3.0

  • The quest NPC Khan Jehn no longer becomes confused and unresponsive 

1.4.0

  • Roast Raptor now has an more appropriate inventory sound 

2.1.0

  • Fixed an error where some characters appeared to be drinking while standing up 

2.4.0

  • Zapetta will no longer become confused about whether the zeppelin in Orgrimmar is arriving or leaving 

3.1.0

  • Yaaarrrr! now has a detailed tooltip 

--- 

Uplink

1.314 

  • Fixed : Dead or jailed people don't answer their phones 

1.35 

  • Fixed : LAN Spoof progress graphic overflow 
  • Fixed : Time freezing and unclickable buttons on computers running for several weeks

--- 

Everquest

July 10, 2001 

  • Reevaluated the values of the various fish fillets 

--- 

August 15, 2001 

  • The Giant Tree Flayer is now Large instead of Tiny 

December 6, 2001 

  • Fixed a bug that was preventing characters from being bald 

--- 

Two Worlds 2

1.4

  • Horse behaviour - improved 

--- 

Battlefield 1942

1.2 

  • Bots do not jump in and out of vehicles anymore 

--- 

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

1.02 

  • Dead party members will no longer show up later in the game. What with thembeing dead and all 

--- 

Black and White

1.1 

  • The word "Death" no longer said when villagers die of old age
  • Creature doesn't become constipated if you punish him for pooing 

--- 

No One Lives Forever 2

1.3 

  • Fixed problems with camera rotation after slipping on a banana 

--- 

Hitman: Codename 47

Patch 1 

  • Dancer in "Gunrunner's Paradise" is no longer confused by dead bodies 
Terraria

The Terraria 1.3.5 update, with support for 4K graphics, interface scale and zoom sliders, new language localizations, and a good number of bug fixes, is now live. Developer Re-Logic said the update isn't content-heavy, but "will provide a solid foundation from which we can execute our other secret Terraria update plans—and we are pretty sure you will find those exciting!" 

"This update represents one part of the team's vision for what we have called 1.3.5 to this point, and is focused on polishing and fixing up some issues that have needed addressing as well as bringing some long-requested features to the game," the studio wrote. "Admittedly, it is a bit light on "more content", however, we wanted to go ahead and get these ready-to-go features out to players now rather than making everyone wait until all of the other stuff is completed." 

There are some new pieces of furniture in the update and a couple of armor sets, but the big hook is the 4K support and the ability to adjust the scale of the interface and zoom in and out on the gameworld. For non-English-speaking players, the "professional localizations" are probably pretty nice too: The game now supports Russian, Simplified Chinese, Brazilian Portuguese, and Polish, along with German, Italian, French, and Spanish. 

"The other part of this update will be focused on a list of things that the team feels needs a fresh look (rebalancing/tweaking/polishing) as well as some areas that we feel were overlooked or forgotten when we were working on the past several updates," Re-Logic wrote. "For now, enjoy these handful of goodies (especially our non-English speaking fans), look forward to a second round to come... and towards even bigger things down the road." 

The full patch notes are below.   

Features:

  • Greatly improved rendering and overall gameplay on resolutions larger than 1080p
  • Added Zoom and UI scale sliders in the in-game settings menu
  • Added most of the main menu's settings to the in-game settings menu
  • Dungeons in newly generated worlds now contain new furniture
  • Added a crystal furniture set, and expanded other furniture sets
  • Added Arkhalis's and Leinfors' developer armor sets
  • NPCs who are manually assigned to a room will attempt to return to it when they respawn after being slain
  • Improved stability on Mac OS X and Linux
  • Improved visuals on many different things
  • Improved Retro lighting consistency

Fixes:

  • Fixed settings button overlaying the armor icon
  • Fixed inconsistent naming for Sand Poacher and Granite Golem banners
  • Fixed banner buff list extending beyond screen limits
  • Fixed hand drawing over backhand glove and shield accessories for female characters
  • Fixed Sparky painting and several other rare paintings not naturally spawning properly
  • Fixed a certain multiplayer crash
  • Fixed sign mouseover text staying on cursor permanently when in Options and Camera menus
  • Fixed a world generation crash on Linux
  • Fixed a number of minor grammar issues in NPC dialog
  • Fixed a certain exploit
  • Fixed trapped Granite and Meteorite Chests dropping the wrong item upon breaking
  • Fixed Vortex Monolith not selling for as much as it should
  • Fixed crash when linking items with invalid prefix ids in chat
  • Fixed Pumpkin Shirt and Robot Shirt causing leg skin to disappear when equipped
  • Fixed Defender's Forge closing instantly if opened from below
  • Fixed Terraria thinking it has focus when it did not have focus
  • Fixed Grand Design and Multicolor Wrench emitting light on use
  • Fixed auto-creating a world from the server causing it to always use the same seed
  • Fixed Platinum Candelabra not sitting properly on other objects
  • Fixed Goblin Tinkerer being slightly smaller than intended
  • Fixed petrification death messages being broken for a long while now
  • Fixed Wall Creeper dropping gore when blood and gore are off
  • Fixed Xeno Staff's selling price, now consistent with the rest of Martian loot
  • Fixed crash when mousing over chests and dressers in the map view
  • Fixed settings button colliding with 6th accessory dye slot
  • Fixed Corrupt Thorns almost never generating
  • Fixed multiple issues with platform/block interaction
  • Fixed pillars of dirt appearing above the Underground Desert sometimes
  • Potentially fixed an issue where Marathon Medalist would cause FPS drops.
  • Platforms from 1.2.4.1 and above now emit particles when destroyed
  • Virtual Keyboard should no longer appear unless a Gamepad is being used
  • Using Quick Heal to consume restoration potions now properly inflicts mana sickness
  • Defender's Forge now has highlight outlines
Terraria

The wait for Terraria: Otherworld is ongoing, but in the meantime it's well worth catching up with the first game, which is 40% off today on Steam's daily deal

If you don't mind doing a lot of mining, Terraria is a expansive, absorbing open world sandbox game, and one of the best games to come out of the Minecraft craze. While '2D Minecraft' is an easy way to capture the game's essentials, under the surface it's actually a really cool sandbox RPG with exciting weapons and armour, and huge apocalyptic bosses.

It's also great in multiplayer, and there's a busy modding scene. It's a lot of game for £4.19 / $5.99.

Terraria

It's been a couple of years since the announcement of Terraria: Otherworld, the followup that is not a sequel to the 2011 crafting-and-survival game Terraria. Developer Re-Logic hasn't had much to say about it since, but today it took to its forums to share some "important news." The good news is that the game is still in the works; the bad news is that co-developer Engine Software has been dropped from the project for reasons unknown, and that means it may take a little (or maybe a lot) longer than expected to get things done. 

"Our team had a clear vision for this game—one that we shared with all of you with much shared excitement—and, as much as we hate to say it (and in spite of all of the reforms we tried last year) the current state of the game is still equal parts far from that vision and well behind schedule," Re-Logic wrote.

"As a result, we have made the decision to move on from having Engine Software continue development of Terraria: Otherworld. Re-Logic has possession of the game (code, art, sounds, etc.) as it exists today, and we have been examining the array of options available to us to get TOW to a place to where we can confidently deliver on the vision and expectations we all have for this game. After taking a good hard look at everything, we feel that a new and fresh start/direction is the only way Otherworld will ever reach its full potential at this point." 

Pipeworks, which has been working since last year on the console and mobile version of Terraria, has now been brought on as the "development partner" on Otherworld. The two studios will "examine the entire game, from top to bottom, to see how it fits with our high expectations and core vision for this project," and while Re-Logic didn't commit to updated release timing, it did warn that the "quiet period" will likely go on for awhile longer while Pipeworks gets brought up to speed. It also promised that "a full refresh of all of the Otherworld public-facing locations" is on the way—even the Terraria: Otherworld logo is changing. 

"Come whatever may, quality is simply not something we are willing to compromise on to make a quick buck. It may be painful in the short term, but our sincere hope is that it will pay off for everyone in the long term," the studio said. "Clearly, had we known this would be the scenario way back then, we would have held off on announcing the game until a later time—but such is game development. That said, we are really happy and confident with the new team and new plan—and cannot wait to get back on track." 

Re-Logic said it would share more "very soon," but added that it "will not delve into some areas out of either respect or confidence or the unknown."   

PC Gamer

If Minecraft were on the Super NES, it might look something like Terraria, Re-Logic's lovely crafting sandbox RPG that launched around six years ago on PC. While the popularity of most games dwindles over the years, Terraria's fanbase has only grown in size, so it comes as little surprise to hear that it's sold over 20 million copies since its release.

Interestingly, 8.5 million of the 20.5 million copies sold have been in the last 18 months, since version 1.3 was unleashed on PC. That update is coming to consoles and mobile platforms shortly, the announcement post reveals, so if you're not playing it on PC you'll soon be able to tinker with Terraria's latest evolution, which has been gestating on desktops and laptops for a year-and-a-half now.

In the years since its release, Terraria's NPC, enemy, boss and biome counts have ballooned massively, while extra modes, events and other bits have been added to the ever-expanding sandbox too. If you're one of its 20+ million players, you might want to take a look at our Terraria mod roundup.

PC Gamer

Earlier this month Terraria and Dungeon Defenders 2 announced crossover plans which would see Re-Logic's open world sandbox merged with the land of Etheria. They've now come to fruition courtesy of Terraria's 1.3.4 update.

Bringing with it loads of new items and enemies, the "Dungeon Defenders 2 Cross-Over Invasion" is a so-called multi-tiered event that adds The Tavernkeep a new NPC from the Dungeon Defenders universe who swaps exclusive currency, gained from the new invasion, for Etherian loot and gear. The update also adds a new Blizzard weather event, while Summoner players can now direct their minions to attack specific targets.

Ten new enemies have descended on the collaborative world, as well as two new invasion style mini-bosses and one proper boss. Full details on the update can be found this-a-way, however here's what's new on the the items and accessory front:

  • Four new sentry summons, each of which has three tiers of potency
  • Ten new weapons
  • Eight new armor sets
  • Five new accessories
  • Two new pets
  • One new light pet
  • Three new boss masks and trophies
  • Two new decorate furniture items
  • One brand new “Personal Safe” style furniture item, in the style of the Piggy Bank and Safe
  • A brand new currency which can be spent with the Tavernkeep for much of the above

Update 1.3.4 also adds the usual smattering of bug fixes.

PC Gamer

Re-Logic, developer of 2D sandbox adventure Terraria, and Trendy Entertainment, developer of tower defense action RPG Dungeon Defenders 2, have been cooking up a little surprise for their fans: the two games will invade each other with some crossover content, as you can see in the announcement trailer above.

Via what appears to be an interdimensional portal, content from the two games will spill into one another. The announcement reads:

"In this rare crossover event, Terraria players will get to experience intense invasion-style action straight from the magical realm of Etheria, while Dungeon Defenders 2 players will enlist the help of an ancient and powerful hero to face down new threats of a distinctly Terrarian nature."

"Terraria fans will get a new Dungeon Defenders 2-themed event with special enemies and loot accessible to new players and engaging for veteran players. Dungeon Defenders 2 will receive new maps, gear, vanity items and more inspired by Terraria, as well as a brand-new hero available for purchase: the Dryad."

If you don't want to open your wallet, I'm told the Dryad can also be unlocked with "Defender Medals, which are rewarded for completing specific daily missions and challenges."

The crossover content is scheduled to appear before the end of the year, and more details will be revealed during a developer livestream on November 11. Below, help yourself to a few screenshots from both games.

PC Gamer

If you're into Terraria, you might be aware of Super Terraria World, a standalone mod that morphs Re-Logic's sandbox survival game into a proper RPG, complete with quests, NPCs, skills, and other RPG-y things in a fixed world. If you weren't aware, then you should probably follow this link, before cancelling all your plans for today. Super Terraria World has just been updated to version 1.12a; there's a Patreon campaign and a new, 'official' trailer showing the ambitious mod off.

As explained over on Reddit, 1.12a "brings STW to the current code base of Terraria (1.3.3.2)". It also adds a new friendly NPC, an additional, chilly player-owned world, "leaf particles while using the Magic Leaf", an updated spear ability, revamped Mana regen logic and more. The end goal of the team is for the mod be an MMO, but for now it's single-player only.

PC Gamer

It is simply unthinkable for work to finish on a survival game, even well after it's officially 'done', so here's a big new update for 2D building/survival/RPG Terraria. The 1.3.3 patch adds sandstorms to the game, a weather event that will occasionally rock the desert biome with new enemies, loot, tunes, and oh yeah loads of swirling sand. You might want to craft yourself a pair of goggles.

The nitty gritty of the update including the additional enemies and items is hidden behind a couple of spoiler warnings on the site, so I won't repost that here, but 1.3.3's big features are that sandstorm, a new heat distortion effect in hot biomes, new visual effects for blizzard events, and dripping sand. So it's a bit of a, chortle, hot and cold update, end chortle.

Terraria's patch 1.3.3 is out now.

PC Gamer

You'd be forgiven for thinking Terraria: Otherworld has been quietly abandoned, given the lack of updates since December last year. The good news is that the project is still kicking, but in a new status update on the project, studio Re-Logic explains that the offshoot has recently undergone a significant revamp, and that it might be a while before it actually releases.

"To keep it short and simple, at the beginning of this year, we undertook a full in-depth review of the project versus our standards, expectations, and vision for the game," the update reads. "It was pretty clear to us at the time that Otherworld needed quite a bit of work and even a good bit of rework in a number of areas in order to hit that mark."

In order to make that happen, it sounds like Re-Logic had to initiate some changes at Engine Software, the studio it's collaborating with on the project. "As a part of this, the project team at Engine now has a new lead designer and art lead along with other changes made to better align to our vision for the game."

The studio offered two new screenshots comparing "corrupted" and "pure" biomes. You can see them above and below. As far as a release date goes, the studio can't provide one at the moment. "Our focus is on getting the game done right first and foremost," the statement reads.

Announced early last year, Terraria: Otherworld is a more structured, less sandbox-y version of the original phenomenon. "Set in an alternate dimension within the Terraria universe, Terraria: Otherworld places the player in a life-and-death struggle to restore a once-pristine world," read the pitch from March last year.

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