BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as "The Wonderful Game". Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone's ever seen.
Recent Reviews:
Very Positive (11) - 100% of the 11 user reviews in the last 30 days are positive.
All Reviews:
Very Positive (286) - 93% of the 286 user reviews for this game are positive.
Release Date:
Jul 20, 2017

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Recent updates View all (4)

August 3

v1.050 now live! Menu Controller Support, Gameplay Tweaks AND MORE

HELLO there's patch notes for v1.050 below. It's been a long time coming (like, a week?) because adding in the controller support for menus took a while because it was boring.

I've taken the time to address much of the more negative feedback, and hopefully this build addresses a lot of issues, as well as fixing bugs. Kickmen is intended to be a difficult game, simply because winning by a large amount at Sport gets very boring very quickly, but I've done what I can to address the speed of that change and how some of the AI react in certain situations. If it's still too tough, remember there's a Difficulty Slider when you set up a team!

If you've enjoyed Kickmen PLEASE help make it a success by spreading the word. There's loads you can do, buy a copy for a friend, do a Let's Play or Twitch Stream, recommend it on Twitter, or even just reviewing it here on Steam. It all really REALLY helps.

I'm hoping this is the last big update, but as ever if there's anything else that needs addressing your best bet is to email me

Thanks for playing :)

ADDED:CONTROLLER SUPPORT FOR MENUS you wanted it, so here it is. Adding this was VERY boring so I hired someone else in to do it for me which cost me REAL MONEY so please buy another copy of the game for a friend as a thank-you.
TWEAKED:Loads of minor stats and variables, and the core difficulty curve.
TWEAKED:Goldkeepers less likely to be inept if the ball is basically just sitting there not moving.
TWEAKED:Reduced the likelihoold the AI will do an Own Goal. Don't blame me when you all suddenly realise how handy that was.
TWEAKED:Reduced the amount of fast passing low-level teams can do.

FIXED:An issue where Goldkeepers were inept at high levels on QuickPlay
FIXED:Charging a kick as you drift over the goal line should no longer cause a calamity.
FIXED:An issue where game state change while charging a kick could cause a calamity.
FIXED:Stopped opposition strikers from hanging out in front of your goal and scoring at will because the AI isn’t smart enough to get in the way MUCH earlier in the game. This behaviour now happens towards the start of the game instead of kicking in approximately 40% of the way through
FIXED:A typo on the Credits screen
FIXED:An issue where the ball could drift during 2nd Half Kick Off.
FIXED:An issue on some setups where the screen would fade to black after the Father Reveal Scene and not go anywhere.
FIXED:"Romancing The Stone" achievement should unlock, no matter WHAT sort of framerate you're seeing.

ADDRESSED: Made some changes to hopefully improve Linux stability
ADDRESSED: Made some changes to remove an unusual Mac crash on some setups, sometimes.

NOT FIXED:Game is still basically football.

Thanks again for your support!
8 comments Read more

July 24

v1.047 Patch Notes

v1.047 is just some boring fixes to minor issues, and some attempts to make older controllers work more reliably.

FIXED: an issue where doing a big kick at the instant a pop-up popped up in the Training caused a mishap
FIXED: a misspelling of the word FOOTBALL which I mean how did I even
FIXED: an issue where Goldkeepers could get sent off for being offside which, I mean, I don't know the rules but that doesn't "feel" like it's right?
FIXED: an issue with Pause Screen buttons interferring with Tutorial pop-up boxes.
ADDED: an extra double-triple failsafe for the ball getting stuck out of bounds because, despite the fact the code is rock solid on that, somehow some of you have still somehow managed it
ADDED: Custom Controller map for Xbox360 pad users, in the hopes of solving a connection issue
ADDED: Right Stick customisation to the Options->Input screen, in the hopes of solving some PS3 controller sensitivity issues

FIXED?: Added custom controls for those of you using a PS3/ PS4 controller, in the hopes it fixes the Right Stick lack of sensitivity issue
FIXED?: Occasional Mac crash bug caused by OSX failing to load a Library because [TODO: make up some clever tech terminology here? I honestly have no idea]
6 comments Read more


“Brilliant, brilliant football”
N/A – Nerd³

“the ultimate football sim... makes getting football wrong just right”
N/A – The Guardian

About This Game

BEHOLD THE KICKMEN started as a silly Twitter joke, and evolved like a beautiful flower into the year's least-exciting and mostly-incorrect Football Simulation. It's football, as seen through the eyes of someone with no understanding of, or interest in, the Laws of Football.

Start at the bottom of the Big Boring British Football Spreadsheet system and grind your way up, gruelling match after gruelling match, to become the best at the football that anyone's ever seen, and win the World Cup for your mantelpiece.

FEATURES: Kicking, Passing, Tackling, Squad Management and Doing Goals over and over. There's even a full Story mode, crammed with overblown melodrama and inane decisions to be made.

TWO WAYS TO PLAY! Hate football? No problem! The entire game can be re-skinned at the flip of a switch into a Dystopian Future Bloodsport!

PLEASE NOTE: Kickmen has NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER and NO LOCAL MULTIPLAYER, it's Single Player ONLY. Please don't buy it thinking it's at all sociable, because it isn't. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to make a Single Player game, I didn't want to make a Multiplayer game.

System Requirements

Mac OS X
    • OS: Windows 7 and up
    • Processor: 2.4Ghz
    • Memory: 4 GB RAM
    • Graphics: GeForce 8800 equivalent or higher
    • DirectX: Version 9.0c
    • Storage: 1 GB available space
    • Sound Card: Yes
    • Additional Notes: If playing on a Laptop, please make sure it has a dedicated gfx card; on-board cards will struggle.
    • OS: 10.12
    • Memory: 4 GB RAM
    • Storage: 1 GB available space
    • Additional Notes: discreet GPU recommended
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