BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as "The Wonderful Game". Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone's ever seen.
All Reviews:
Very Positive (296) - 91% of the 296 user reviews for this game are positive.
Release Date:
Jul 20, 2017

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Buy Behold the Kickmen



“Brilliant, brilliant football”
N/A – Nerd³

“the ultimate football sim... makes getting football wrong just right”
N/A – The Guardian

About This Game

BEHOLD THE KICKMEN started as a silly Twitter joke, and evolved like a beautiful flower into the year's least-exciting and mostly-incorrect Football Simulation. It's football, as seen through the eyes of someone with no understanding of, or interest in, the Laws of Football.

Start at the bottom of the Big Boring British Football Spreadsheet system and grind your way up, gruelling match after gruelling match, to become the best at the football that anyone's ever seen, and win the World Cup for your mantelpiece.

FEATURES: Kicking, Passing, Tackling, Squad Management and Doing Goals over and over. There's even a full Story mode, crammed with overblown melodrama and inane decisions to be made.

TWO WAYS TO PLAY! Hate football? No problem! The entire game can be re-skinned at the flip of a switch into a Dystopian Future Bloodsport!

PLEASE NOTE: Kickmen has NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER and NO LOCAL MULTIPLAYER, it's Single Player ONLY. Please don't buy it thinking it's at all sociable, because it isn't. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to make a Single Player game, I didn't want to make a Multiplayer game.

System Requirements

Mac OS X
    • OS: Windows 7 and up
    • Processor: 2.4Ghz
    • Memory: 4 GB RAM
    • Graphics: GeForce 8800 equivalent or higher
    • DirectX: Version 9.0c
    • Storage: 1 GB available space
    • Sound Card: Yes
    • Additional Notes: If playing on a Laptop, please make sure it has a dedicated gfx card; on-board cards will struggle.
    • OS: 10.12
    • Memory: 4 GB RAM
    • Storage: 1 GB available space
    • Additional Notes: discreet GPU recommended
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