Europa Universalis 5 is a forever game. Insofar as you might be able to play this grand historical strategy forever, but also because - my god - it takes forever to play. After a mere 45 hours of conniving, trading, battling, and scratching my head at menus, I have just about scraped my way through 150 years of Neapolitan history. I have yet to come across a single pizza with buffalo mozzarella on it, but there are approximately 250 years left to find one. This is the blessing and curse of a typically dense playthrough of Europa Universalis. Paradox's trademark blend of intricate geopolitical clockwork, hands-tied confusion, and "one more year" compulsion is all here. You just need to set aside a few centuries to enjoy it.

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My dearest Hedwig, I write to you from the churning battlefields of King Friedrich II's campaign to reinforce Silesia against the lurking Gallic aggressor. I regret to inform you that the French Hussars are kicking our Hussarses. We just engaged what our scouts from the 17th Pop-Up Tutorial Squadron promised was a "light" patrol of ill-trained musketmen and cavalry, just outside Hildesheim. French equestrians appear to be made of different stuff than our Prussian chargers. They cleave through our Landmiltz like wheat. Meanwhile, our horseguys can't take a single bayonet to the gaskin without turning for home.

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Brethren! Cease your prattling and pick up your GameCube controllers. It is time to start playing Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem at an unhealthy velocity, while funding lawyers to uphold the legal rights of LGBTQ+ people in the USA.

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You head down to the pet shelter in Fortnite. It's full. Woof, says one invincible banana dog, I barely see my owner because they wanted me to be a banana dog who regularly changes colour. Alas, this cannot be, so they've had to spend their V-Bucks on a small army of invincible banana dogs in a variety of hues. You try to cheer up this Sidekick by telling them that their owner can at least change their name and hat at any time. It provides little comfort.

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Apex Legends is rolling out its Season 27 update next Tuesday, November 4th, and RPS has been furnished with an overview of its meatiest rejigging work. I haven’t playtested this megapatch so unlike with Season 25, I can’t say from experience how any of these changes will get you killed. Still, since it tweaks my favourite map, my favourite playable Legend, and> my favourite hovercar, I feel uniquely qualified to declare without evidence whether they’re good or not.

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I’m not that keen on extraction games like Arc Raiders. The last two I played at length were Tom Clancy's The Division (specifically its Survival mode), which features possibly my favourite videogame piles of trash, and Hunt: Showdown, which features possibly my favourite (i.e. the absolute worst) videogame spider. I just don't see the point of a loot commute, even with other players around to add spice. Still, I do think I'll spend more time in Arc – out now on Steam, EGS and the Microsoft Store - after losing a few hours to a pre-release multiplayer session last week. Amongst other things, it has an enticing buried city and a neat sliding mechanic.

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GOG continue to conquer the world of old games you either remember fondly or have totally forgotten about. They've added 18 new ones to their preservation program this week, with the latest arrivals being the Resident Evil HD Remaster and Resident Evil 0.

It's good to see the storefront's preservation efforts keep on expand, given they've recently revaled that this program's been a tougher undertaking than originally envisioned thus far. Things that're worth doing are rarely easy, though, are they? Well, ok, maybe having a cheeky biscuit with your supper is still worth doing.

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