Totally Accurate Battle Simulator

Who would win in a fight out of Zeus and a mammoth? Minotaurs against halflings? Snake archers against potion sellers? They're the showdowns society yearns for but history denies... no longer! Now we have Totally Accurate Battle Simulator.

It's not accurate, of course - no one describes anything as "totally" with a straight face. And TABS, as everyone calls it, doesn't have a straight face. It has a googly-eyes and lollops like a drunken marionette. It is a raspberry in the face of serious army-commanding games and I love it for it.

TABS is so simple to play. You spend points to build an army, place it, then sit back and watch the fight - you don't control anything in real-time other than the camera. What's in your army depends on how many points you have to spend. You might spend 2230 points on a mammoth, for instance, or use the same amount to buy four flying Valkyrie - they're a bloody nuisance. Or you might spend 4000 points on two Zeus-es, or 4200 on three scarecrow, which are better than they sound.

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Totally Accurate Battle Simulator - Botten Hanna

  • Dynasty faction with seven units
  • Dynasty map
  • Dynasty campaign
  • A bunch of secret units

  • Added a secondary, shorter jump to the berserker for targets that are 8-10m away

  • Increased the hp of the halfling
  • Decreased the cost of the halfling from 60 to 50
  • Slightly decreased the halfling damage
  • Increased archer reload time from 7 to 8 seconds
  • Increased Artemis price to 5500
  • Decreased the number of arrows per Artemis attack
  • Increased Artemis spread

Make sure to restart steam and verify the integrity of the game files to get the update!

Please keep questions to the forums as we cannot answer on this post:

Please share cool screenshots, videos, and stories on our subreddit (r/accuratebattlesim) or on twitter under the #PlayTABS hashtag


Totally Accurate Battle Simulator - Botten Hanna
Here's some of what we've been working on before Easter, enjoy!

Keep questions to the forums as we cannot answer here:
Grand Theft Auto V - (John Walker)

Hello, and welcome to RPS’s weekly round-up of the top selling games on Steam for the last weeeeee…



Apr 18
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator - Wilnyl
Happy Easter! (to those of you who celebrate) we have a patch with fixes to kick off the weekend, there are also some secrets in there for you to find! :D

  • Added 3 secret units. Find their weapons to unlock them
  • Added an in game roadmap
  • Added option to mute sound when application is in background
  • Added option to control the amount of screen shake
  • Added option to hide clothes from units
  • Added option to hide eyes from units
  • Added tooltip to faction buttons in placement
  • The UI now displays the amount of units placed
  • Added a trail to most fast moving projectiles to make them easier to see.
  • Trained the Sarissa in the arts of walking backwards
  • Minotaurs now always charge their target. Not only as a response to taking damage
  • Removed Defend the temple from the adventure campaign

  • Increased the damage and health of Zeus
  • Increased the attack speed of Zeus
  • Reduced the radius of the catapult explosion
  • Increased the reload time of the catapult
  • Increased the damage of pitchforks
  • Increased the health of pitchforks
  • Slightly increased the health of the harvester
  • Increased the throw strength of stoner
  • Increased the damage of the stoner
  • Increased the rate of throw of the potion seller
  • Slightly increased archer fire rate
  • Slightly decreased the amount healed by the priest
  • Slightly increased the health of the minotaur
  • Slightly Increased the damage of the headbutter
  • Slightly reduced the damage of the squire
  • Slightly reduced the cost of snake archers
  • Haybalers are now knocked back by projectiles. They still take no damage

Please keep questions to the forums as we cannot answer on this post:

Please share cool screenshots, videos and stories on our subreddit (r/accuratebattlesim) or on twitter under the #PlayTABS hashtag

Deus Ex: Game of the Year Edition - (John Walker)

It has happened. The day spoken of in legend. After two years, I am finally to be set free of the Curse Of Steam Charts. All its taken is entirely leaving my job in four days time to end this purgatory. The only decision left is to whom I shall pass this vexation. That, and how to avoid mentioning the actual games for one more week. And this time I’ve come up with a self-indulgent doozy.


Totally Accurate Battle Simulator - Botten Hanna
Hi! Here's a video showcasing some of the things we've been working on this week, enjoy!
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator - (Matt Cox)

In Steve Hogarty’s latest premature evaluation, he ascertained that it’s totally worth simulating accurate battles in Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. One question, though, was left unacceptably ignored.

How many hobbits does> it take to kill a mammoth?


Totally Accurate Battle Simulator

This week, a series of gifs enticed me to take a look at Totally Accurate Battle Simulator, a game that looks like what might happen if the cast of Morph decided to start doing medieval reenactments. Amusing as it looked with its googly eyes and shonky physics, I'll admit I came to it with a hefty dose of scepticism - the term simulator often being synonymous with 'a bit rubbish'.

I mean no disrespect to the Farming Simulators or hardcore flight sims of this world, of course - I'm talking about the stripe of games like Goat Simulator that rely on being just the right side of broken and hoping the one gag remains funny for longer than ten minutes (many of them struggle).

By contrast, there's just about enough of a game to Totally Accurate Battle Simulator's absurd campaign to lift it clear of the competition. While it's hardly going to replace Total War any time soon, there's something compelling about its mission structure; one which presents you with the enemy ranks and grants you a set number of points with which to purchase and field an opposing force. As with any strategy game, picking your units carefully is the key to success, only in this instance you find yourself asking how many mammoths you want to field, or whether a large unit of halflings is preferable to a smaller force of farmers.

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Totally Accurate Battle Simulator - (Steve Hogarty)

Back at PC Zone magazine, where I was born out of an egg, it was my job to take the raw copy submitted by our freelance writers, strip out most of the sexism and veiled threats against politicians, and produce a polished and well structured review that was legally fit for publication. One of the most commonly deleted and cliched introductions to any game about a war (which was almost every game back then) went as thus. War, huh? What is it good for? Well, this game for a start>. If you ve never read those words in that order before, send a thank you card to your nearest editor today.

I can still picture the freelancer s wide-eyes and self-satisfied grin as they smashed the enter key, confident that they had just invented a cool and original way to begin a review about wars. Bam! Now there s> an opening line, they would say, half laughing to themselves in disbelief that the very first thought that occured to them could be so brilliant, so perfect. Then they would lean back in their chair and run their hands through their hair like Christian Bale having just done a murder. I know this because I was that writer, once. Asking what war is good for and then saying it s the game you re writing about is a rite of passage for any games journalist, like finding out that you re not allowed to use the words gameplay or visceral , even when you re talking about guts spilling out.



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