As I frantically unload the latest piece of plundered tech into my science bay for investigation, I stare at the murderous purple ball suspended above my ship. I am irradiated, desperate... hunted.

'Deck-builders suck' I'd say after uninstalling Hearthstone from my iPad again, 'what's the point of them?' At 2am, I begin my 20th daily attempt at the spire, hungrier even than before. Maddening!

The artillery barriage tolls out a sickening beat as the chorus of rifles play their suppressive tune. Snipers clarinet out gouts of claret from foolishly exposed meatsacks, as your PTSD crescendos.

Testes wholly retracted, sphincter puckered enough to hold a drill-bit, I round the stairwell and pull the trigger... *click* my bolt-action snickers, round unchambered, as the fuselage consumes me.

Poised, the graceful architecture of my plan festoons the landscape like gossamer strands. Certain, absolute, justice is... sent catastrophically awry with a calamitous mis-press. Smile, sigh, restart

Lurching drunkenly, the creature vomits into the fuitbowl. Sinews grinding under green flesh, it plunges curved steel into an unresisting sternum, widowing Jane (43), Rupert (14) and Grace (6).

The muted trumpet taps out its marching tune as you compromise your core values for what feels like the millionth time. Somewhere out in the snow, a bear sniffs your tracks and growls its own rhythm.

You're ushered into the dark-spectacled Admiral's office in Mansion's Pyre: a cramped room with a vast desk. He surveys you across that desk. "Ah yes. Sunless Sea is a great game, you should buy it."

EverPretty: Each nebula-framed clutch of rockets penetrates my eyes, nuzzling and licking the optic nerves as they burrow into my brain, fondling each synapse to a climax. The gameplay is awesome too.

If you played 'pin the tail on the donkey' with any starpoint game you won't lose, but Warlords is the prettiest, newest and planet-crackingest of all. Just make sure to pack extra T-drives!