You know what you’re getting into. The empathy-void assassin of the Hitman trilogy is an anti-Santa who only has a “naughty” list and never a “nice” one. He visits the rich and powerful once every couple of years, to shove lumps of coal down their throat because they’ve been selling AK-47s to babies.

Here he is again in the final instalment of the most recent righteous murder trilogy. Hold Hitman 3 in your hands and you might remark it feels “a bit light”, with the suspicious eyes of someone whose favourite cereal seems to have fewer flakes in the box every time they buy it. But what’s inside still has that crunch and flavour you like, so it’s hard to grumble when you’re stuffing your face. Mmmmm, Emetic Poison Bran.

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It’s a common, fun thought experiment to imagine how you might go about explaining a television or a phone to a medieval peasant. The prospect is challenging, but feels ultimately achievable through the fundamental commonality of the human experience. The thought of explaining “the pending release of a Nicolas Cage film that is legally distinct from the PC game Five Nights At Freddy’s, but which is also 100% an adaptation of said game”, however, makes me want to burst into tears. There are just so many layers of pop culture context accreted in that concept, so much information that is meaningless without a full understanding of the rest, that I just can’t think where to begin.

But you know what? Let’s try. You be the peasant: I’m going to give this my best shot.

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I hope you’re not full up on early access announcements yet because I’ve got another one for you: Rustler, which has nicknamed itself Grand Theft Horse. This irreverent action sandbox styles itself as an homage to old GTA games with the historical accuracy of Monty Python. If equine heists are your thing, you can find it riding off into early access in February.

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Machine learning is absolutely fascinating and yet I mostly just enjoy when people use impressive tech to create weird skits and memes. That’s exactly what everyone appears to be doing with an extremely impressive machine-learning tool that lets you type in text for various characters to say out loud. Want GLaDOS to read you bedtime stories? You can do it. Should Team Fortress 2’s Scout recite classic internet copypastas? Yup, you can do all that plus all the many more creative things I know you lot will concoct.

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