Every Sunday, Tyler Wilde publishes a classic PC Gamer review from the '90s or early 2000s, with his context and commentary followed by the full, original text from the archived issue. This week, Apogee shmup Stargunner is reviewed in the June 1997 issue of PC Gamer US. More classic reviews here.

I seem to have kicked off an Apogee shareware streak. While this quick half-page review of a '90s shmup isn't bursting with historical significance, I did just notice that Stargunner is free on GOG. It's plenty of fun for an hour, especially when you assume the mindset of someone trying to review the game in 1997, when 2D games shmups in particular were on the decline in favor of crude 3D games like Die Hard Trilogy (which we gave an 84% in the same issue, but that'll be a future From the Archives).

Stargunner review
 
Required: Double-speed CD-ROM drive; 486; 8MB RAM; DOS 5.0 or later
We Recommend: 4x CD drive; Pentium 90+; 16MB RAM; Speed compensating joystick card

A lot can be said for simple arcade blast-away-with-your-bad-ass-spaceship amusement. The relentless twitch of the trigger finger and constant demand on your reflexes can prove to be an enjoyable diversion. And when a game provides good, crisp graphics, smooth gameplay, and a variety of foes to devastate, it makes it all the more fun.

That's what Apogee brings us with Stargunner. There's nothing fancy here. It's a simple side-scrolling shoot-'em-up with, as the name implies, a starship blasting away at everything. And there's a good deal of blasting to do. There are four main episodes to choose from, each comprised of a series of stages. Before each stage, you outfit your ship with a wide variety of blasters, bombs, and other uniquer features. Of course, all of these improvements cost money, which you obtain by blowing stuff up. The further you progress, the more powerful the equipment you can afford. The background for each episode are all unique, and, along with the more than 70 different enemies, help to keep things fresh. And that's important, as all shooters become repetitive after a while.



Though this type of game has been done before many times Stargunner's take on the arcade side-scroller is a good one, although it is pretty tough to beat, even on the easy setting. So if you're in the mood for some challenging arcade fun, you can't go wrong with this one. There's currently a shareware version available which can be downloaded at the www.apogee1.com/catalog/stargunner/ web site. Joseph Novicki

Highs: A good, pure, arcade-shooter; clean, crisp graphics
Lows: The game may be too hard, even on the easy settings.

Bushido Blade is the only fighting I've ever really loved: an outlier in a genre of ridiculous costumes and complicated Super-EX-Ultra meters that dared to strip everything back to the basics. There were no health bars; your opponent's limbs could be permanently buggered just by striking their arms or legs; they could even be killed in a single hit if you were able to strike them in the right spot. Stages took place not in single-screen arenas but in massive multi-screen locations - if you found yourself on a losing streak, or you were just a bit of a coward, you could simply run away until you were in a more advantageous location. It's style of fighting game that lamentably slipped by the wayside - but isometric brawler Kyoto Wild looks like it might be bringing it back. It's a four-player, weapons-based fighting game featuring an open, Feudal Japan town setting and one-hit kills. Yes please.

Here's a bit more info from the site, now that I've stopped banging on about Bushido Blade.

"Kyoto Wild is a 4-player weapon brawler about retired ronin fighting through feudal Japan. When a village-wide brawl ignites, the former masters face off with any weapons still on hand - swords, knives, rakes, a paper fan

"Four players face off in a one-hit-kill battle. The surviving ronin moves on to face more opponents in a new part of town, controlled by the three slain players. And the fight goes on."



Kyoto Wild is the work of Teddy Diefenbacher, one of the developers of Hyper Light Drifter, and before you start to worry that development of that gorgeous GIF machine might suffer, he's working on Kyoto Wild in his spare time.

There's nothing more to go on on the site, but Diefenbacher did reveal a bit more about the game to Eurogamer.

"The main thing about Kyoto Wild is that you travel around the town mid-fight, and control new characters each time you die."

"Each weapon controls differently, and characters largely control the same outside of that. You can carry a few weapons at a time. You can either attack with your main weapon or throw it as a projectile. When you throw a weapon, you equip the next weapon you're carrying as a backup, so there's sort of an economy of weapons to the game."

It sounds like fascinating stuff, but it doesn't really come across in the few still images released so far - I can't wait to see Kyoto Wild in motion.

Studio Pixel's Cave Story was a pillar of the formative indie scene - and now a follow-up of sorts has emerged in the form of his sidescrolling platform shooter Kero Blaster, which releases today. It's a momentous, nostalgic and slightly melancholy occasion - how much has changed in the world of independently created games in just six or seven years. I can't say if Kero Blaster is any good or not yet - its free prologue Pink Hour was too brief and too difficult to really get to grips with - but a recent trailer hit all the right notes, so I'm hopeful that the old Pixel magic is there.

After Cave Story, and the many games inspired by it, you might be expecting another interlocking, sprawling Metroidvania, but with Kero Blaster billing itself as a "classically-styled 2D side scrolling action game packed with adventure", I'm expecting a more guided, action-heavy experience from this one. There appears to be a huge focus on collecting, and upgrading, crazy weapons, before its froggy hero uses them to blast adorably evil enemies to smithereens.

Kero Blaster can be had for $7.99, or in a bundle with its soundtrack for two dollars more. The following video offers a preview of all the smooth and catchy chiptune noises we can expect to hear in the game.

Gaslamp Games recently delayed the release of Clockwork Empires by a few months, but perhaps we can kill the time with another romp through their 2011 roguelike, Dungeons of Dredmor. With the random level generation and robust character customization, every game of Dredmor already feels different, but that's no reason not to add hundreds more differences. The recently updated Monstrous Megapack adds over a hundred items and artifacts, scores of new rooms and dungeon features, plus several new breeds of baddies, boogies, and bosses.

It's been a while since I've played Dungeon of Dredmor, which is to say, it's been a while since I yelled a very bad word at my monitor and shut the game down and uninstalled it and sat there with my face in my hands. I know. I know. It's a roguelike. You simply can't get too attached to your character in a roguelike. I've told other people the same thing, often through the clenched teeth of a frozen smile.

And yet, I do, I always do. There will be a run of good luck and a string of successes and my build will seem perfect and I'll fall completely in love with my character and then BAM. Something will go wrong and I'll lose everything in one fell swoop and I'll angrily vow never to play again, a vow that will last for at least a week or so.

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for, well, you know.

Luckily, it doesn't take much for me to forget my last run, and Dungeons of Dredmor is so charming I quickly get over my old grudges, especially with so much new stuff added from the Monstrous Megapack. Every trip to the store seems to reveal a new item or two (there are over a hundred), many of them serving not just as weapons but pop-culture references. There's the Solo Blaster, a wand that looks like Han Solo's pistol, the Pokey Ball, a Pokemon-inspired throwable orb that produces a friendly flunky to fight for you, and a Tome called The Guide that can cast a "Mostly Harmless" spell to block the critical hits of your enemies.

Hm. I wonder if one of those is Murray.

In addition to finding new weapons, armor, and other items, it doesn't take long for Monstrous Megapack's monstrous monsters to begin appearing. The first new creature I ran into was a Skull Golem, which makes sense: the scariest bone, after all, is the skull, so why not make an entire monster out of them? He (they?) even has the ability to pluck a skull from his body and fling it at you. I also ran into a few Goops, which are blobby creatures that leave a damaging trail of slime as they slither about.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

You can run into Goops anywhere, but there's a very special room with four differently-colored Goops you might find that seems... reminiscent of another game. Speaking of special rooms, there are lots to discover, depending on which level of the dungeon you're on.

Bathrooms, bunk beds, and other logical amenities may now appear on every floor (look, monsters have to go potty too). Theme rooms, like the one based on Raiders of the Lost Ark (featuring a not-so-successful Indy) and one containing a devious computer-based puzzle, may appear on different levels as well. There's also a new chamber called a Stink Garden, which has a number of mushrooms to pick but is also littered with, well, a rather fragrant series of traps.

Hm. Something about this seems familiar somehow...

There are also tons of new decorations and other aesthetic additions, like dozens of wizard portraits lining the walls, new curtains, tapestries, fountains and statues, and other changes that spruce up the ever-changing yet familiar corridors and chambers of the Dungeons of Dredmor. The new art, monsters, and items blend pretty well with the original look of the game, meaning you'll probably notice these changes but they won't seem jarringly out of place or distracting.

Adds working sinks, and even toilets. Hey, monsters gotta poo, too.

With so many new things to discover, you won't be able to see all, or even most of the additions every time you play, making the Monstrous Megapack a gift that keeps on giving, game after game, until you eventually say a very bad word at your monitor and shut the game down and uninstall it and sit there with your face in my hand.
Like I just did. I'm never playing this game again. I swear. Not for at least a week or so.


Aw the Diggles have little bunk beds! Now I feel even worse about killing them.

Installation: You can subscribe here on Steam Workshop, or download the .zip file here. Please note: since the added content is generated randomly I didn't get to experience it all first-hand, so a few screenshots in this write-up are taken from the modder's page.

In April, I spent an entire day at Tripwire Interactive's office in Atlanta, Georgia getting the first look at Killing Floor 2. We talked about KF2's new gore system (enemies burst apart dynamically in 19 places), blood system (every drop of blood stays on the map for an entire match), and new guns, which live up to Tripwire's reputation for accuracy.

I also spent a good deal of time talking to Tripwire president John Gibson about PC gaming at large his thoughts on SteamOS and the Steam Controller, Epic's Unreal Engine 4, and Battlefield 4's ongoing issues. As always, he had strong opinions about the present problems and future possibilities of PC gaming. His boldest prediction: almost every PC game will end up on Linux eventually, and PC gaming will thrive as a result.

Wes Fenlon, PC Gamer: Killing Floor 2 runs on Unreal Engine 3. Tripwire started as an Unreal Tournament mod team. I'm curious what you think of Unreal Engine 4 and the announcement they made recently that it's like $19 a month to license it.

John Gibson: I think that's really cool, and it's really smart. What it does for companies like us that use Unreal tech, is it helps ensure that there will be a stream of people that have the skillset in the engine that the pros are using. Typically in the past that kind of came from the mod community, and I think if anybody can pick it up and start using it, start learning it, that's a smart move on Epic's part. When they're selling their game engine they can say hey, there's all these people that know it.

And for independent developers, it gives them a point of entry for developing their games that might not have been there before. Not a lot of indie developers can come up with hundreds of thousands of dollars that it would take to do a standard commercial license of the engine.

Fortnite will be Epic's first UE4 game.

Regarding us using UE4, we gave some consideration to UE4, but we had a couple concerns with using it, especially early on. We were really fearful the performance wouldn't come in line with the minimal spec of a machine this game would run on. One of the reasons we believe Killing Floor 1 was so successful older tech it could run on a broad range of peoples' machines.

So while we want to push the graphical high end with a lot of features we're doing, we also want to ensure that on the lower end, a lot of people can still run the game. Especially when we looked at UE4 really early on, it was quad core min spec and all these things, and we wanted to support dual core. There have been some optimizations since then.

The other thing is, if you're licensing someone else's game engine, it's always a risk to ship a game before they've shipped a game on that tech. Not knowing when Epic would actually ship something on their own tech, it was quite possible we'd ship KF2 before they even shipped a game on UE4. It's really dangerous to ship on an engine that's not a stable platform.

Killing Floor, released in 2009, ran on the ancient Unreal Engine 2.5.

If you look at the Call of Duty games I used to look at them and say "how are they able to create so much content in such a short amount of time?" Well, I'll tell you how. They've been using the Quake 3 engine since 2002 and they've just upgraded the physics and the graphics, upgraded their core technology, but every game they had something they could build on top of. With Red Orchestra 2 and Rising Storm, we developed core tech for weapons and collisions, and we're able to bring a lot of that into Killing Floor 2. If we'd gone straight to UE4, it would've been start from scratch again.

PCG: You've talked about learning to control the scope of your projects, which was a hard lesson for Tripwire with Red Orchestra 2. I'm curious what you think about companies like DICE making these gigantic games that end up being super buggy . Do you think that's them losing sight of that self control?

JG: I think that's totally publicly owned companies. For us, because we're self-funded, we can't go on forever, but we've been successful enough, and we're conservative enough with our finances, that we can work on our games for a long time, until they're ready. But with a publicly owned company, you have to make the holiday rush. You have to ship before black Friday. A game like Battlefield 4 being as buggy as it was, it was 100% shareholder driven, the game has to ship come hell or high water.

Those guys have been making games long enough, they should know better. It's not like they didn't know. It's not like their QA didn't know. I'm sure there was somebody in their building, their QA manager, going "But look at this!" and then the EA shareholder going "But look at black Friday."



The thing you see with EA is they have a strategy. They're going to take out Call of Duty. And that means the release of a military FPS every single year. Their plan was going to be Medal of Honor, Battlefield, Medal of Honor, Battlefield so they could go up against Call of Duty's Infinity Ward, Treyarch cycle. We didn't really learn until Red Orchestra 2 putting arbitrary stakes in the ground, saying "we will ship the game by this date no matter what," it's just stupid. You're just guaranteeing you're going to release a buggy or unfinished game if you do that.

That's not to say you don't set deadlines, but those deadlines have to be your internal deadlines. You say "we are going to get X done by this point." But if it's going to go out to customers, it has to be done. That's why games from Valve and Blizzard are so polished. They work on them until they're ready to ship. One of the guys from Valve told me something when I was talking about releasing one of our games and asking if it's ready. They told me a game's only late until it ships, but a buggy release is a buggy release forever.

On page two, Gibson talks about Tripwire's experience with the Steam controller and why he hopes Linux takes over PC gaming from Windows.





PCG: You're supporting Linux with Killing Floor 2. How do you feel about SteamOS so far?

JG: We like it so far. It's been a challenge finding people that know Linux. We brought a guy on named Terry Hendrix who was part of the original Icculus crew if you don't know who they are, they're a group of Linux developers, one of them is Ryan Gordon. For the past 10-15 years he's probably done 90 percent of the Linux game ports in the world. Really talented guy. He did the Linux ports of Red Orchestra 1 and Killing Floor. He's done a lot of work with Valve on SteamOS.

Terry, the guy we brought on, was part of the Icculus group. He's really helped us get going in the right direction. Up until Valve announced SteamOS, nobody knew about any other Linux game developers, so everyone was turning over every stone to try to find them.

But we like the idea of an open system that is designed around game development, that has the OS bloat removed so it can run as efficiently as possible. You've seen a lot recently with AMD's Mantle trying to get around the DirectX inefficiencies, but OpenGL kinda allows you to do that already. So it's a cool platform.

PCG: What do you think of the Steam Controller?

JG: I've got a love-hate relationship with the controller.

PCG: I think has a hate-hate relationship with the controller.

JG: I actually don't agree with Evan on his evaluation of the controller. When he says that he doesn't see any advantage over a gamepad, I completely disagree. I think it's vastly superior to a gamepad and somewhat inferior to a mouse.

To be a reasonable thing you're going to want to use, I feel like it's about 50% there. If a gamepad is 0, and I do consider a gamepad zero, and a mouse is 100, right now the Steam Controller is probably like a 50. I want to see it get to like an 80 before Valve ships it. Fingers crossed.



I think the thing that makes it superior to a gamepad is you can do quick aiming with it. You can use your thumb. With a gamepad, it's all directional, you can only aim so fast. You can do quick snap movements with the steam controller which a gamepad can't do. The problem is, right now at least, you have to tune your sensitivity, so you can do quick snap movements or you can do fine movements to line up headshots . That's something that needs to be solved. It might be something that we're going to put some R&D into, possible solutions for that even for our own implementation. But we're hoping it's something Valve can refine the hardware some or come up with some software solutions as well that solve those problems.

If you add in some of the things that gamepads have, like auto aim and target adhesion and target friction, if you add that to the Steam Controller, it would be better than a gamepad. At least you'd still have all the things you'd get from a gamepad, but you could still quickly rotate around. I'm very hopeful that when it's refined, it's going to be awesome. I think they're on the right track. I hope they get it right before they ship it.

PCG: Is SteamOS going to be able to take on Sony and Microsoft? It's one thing to say it can compete against the consoles, but what about Windows? Right now, 100 perfect of Steam games are on Windows, and 10 percent, maybe 5 percent, are on Linux.

JG: It'll be just like when digital took over retail. Steam didn't just turn on one night and then Walmart and Best Buy got freaked out because they weren't selling PC games anymore. It took 2 or 3 years or 4 years. But it did happen, and it happened a little bit at a time. I think that's Valve's strategy. They're taking one step at a time. They know if they try to do a massive leap and go head-to-head right at the outset, they could stumble.

But taking these incremental steps, even Valve says they're not trying to go head-to-head against Microsoft and Sony. And I'm like, "this year." But in five years, or three years, I think that they probably will be going head-to-head with them and probably taking over.



In general, for gaming, I think will become like Windows is now. I think every game's going to be on Linux eventually, so almost every game will be on SteamOS. Microsoft's done their best to kill gaming on PC for as long as I can remember. Having an OS that's actually not trying to kill gaming, I think that's going to be very good for games. I think it'll just grow.

Or maybe it won't and we'll put games on some other platform. But I think it has everything going for it. It's Valve's game to lose at this point. I'm very interested to see how it plays out.

For us, we're very much about when new gaming technologies come along, of being there on the forefront. When digital distribution came out, we were right there. When OnLive came out, we were right there. When the Ouya came out, we were there on the Ouya. If it becomes the next big thing, great. Same thing with SteamOS. I think it has an infinitely better chance than Ouya or OnLive.

For more on Tripwire Interactive and Killing Floor 2, check out our massive reveal feature and a deep dive into how Tripwire designs and balances the best FPS gunplay around.

It's a packed week for free games this week, what with Ludum Dare and LowRezJam and other stray delights, so let's get straight to business with an excellent visual novel about the ins and outs and mysteries of school life, a 32x32 pyramid game, Tie-dye Unity weirdness, several games that lie beneath the surface (of the break), and the foxiest game you'll play all week. Because *cough* it stars a fox. Enjoy!



LongStory by Renee Vrantsidis, Sara Gross, Yi Pan, JP Stringham, Miguel Martinez, Miriam Verburg, Elysse Zarek, Russel Slater, Golden Gear
Download it here



LongStory is a visual novel that's, perhaps appropriately, playing the long game, exploring the life and dating habits of a teenage girl you name yourself, who has just returned to her old school after spending the year in Gay Paris. It's a smartly written, funny and empathetic story, supported by a dating element that lets you romance boys, girls or, um, a turkeyhawk (it's someone in a costume I hope). There are a lot of dating-based visual novels floating around at the moment, but few that are as capably written or illustrated as LongStory, which also boasts a mystery element to keep you invested in the story for upcoming episodes. I was reminded, more than anything, of the visual novelly bits from the recent Persona games by far their best moments, in my opinion.

If, like me, you find yourself hooked on the adventures of The New Girl in Weasel Heights school, Episode 2 is scheduled to arrive sometime this August. (Via Indie Statik)



The Pyramid Gate by Strangethink
Play it online here



Conceived for
LowRezJam 2014 restrictions: Create a game with a maximum screen resolution of 32x32 pixels the enigmatic The Pyramid Gate is essentially an interactive prog-synth album cover (at least to my mind), and one that does the whole '3D objects textured with pixel art' thing better than any other game I've seen yet. It's not a long game, at all, but it is a transportative and alien one, taking you to a small but atmospheric little world full of buttons to press, and squiggly views to admire.



Nau(l)t Nipp by nruyed
Play it online here



Nau(l)t Nipp as any modern electronic band will tell you, correct spelling is so un(ool was made by nruyed to test out the Unity engine, and rather than building some sort of blocky platforming stage, they've decided to create a psychadelic wasteland instead. It's home to creepy Tie-dye dancing girls of various sizes, a sky that looks like it's been put through the wash with your favourite Flaming Lips T-shirt, and a piano, among other palette-agnostic things. What will tinkling those ivories get you? Well. Get your ass to Naul(l)t Nipp to find out.



Down by SonnyBone
Download / Play online here



Neath by metkis
Download / Play online here



Descent by camlang
Download / Play online here



Three games at once? Can I do that? Let's find out! I've lumped Down, Neath and Descent together because they're all quite similar not just in naming format but in length and mood. As you may have guessed, they're all products of Ludum Dare 29and it's 'Beneath the Surface' theme, though only Down really takes it to heart. That's a mildly heart-tugging narrative game, its scant puzzles (they're not exactly puzzles) featuring a hammer, a light, and a few rocky obstacles in your way. It's worth playing to the end to see how Down turns out, something that won't take you all that long.



Neath, on the other hand, is all gorgeous art and puzzles, one of which is actually pretty good. There's the foundation here for a rock-solid sci-fi/horror adventure game all it needs is more content. And maybe a better walking animation, though admittedly those scissor-legs did grow on me over time. You're investigating a predictably empty research base, predictably slathered in bloody handprints, with keycards and the like that need to be collected. The story ends just as it gets going, however, so don't get too attached to the spooky goings-on.



Last but not least we have Descent, seemingly inspired by the capey Hyper Light Drifter. Expect combat, combat, and then a bit more combat in its two stages, with a couple of enemies that need to be sworded to death, and with a big skeletal boss thing that I can't quite take down. Once again there's not enough here to really sink your teeth into, but an expanded Post-Ludum Dare version would be a tempting proposition let's hope developer camlang makes it happen, eh? (Via Indie Statik)



Kitsuni by SecondDimension
Play it online here



Another Ludum Dare game, but one that thankfully doesn't share the brevity of the previous entries. Kitsuni is, frankly, bloody gorgeous: a top-down, serene puzzle game where you'll inhabit the bodies of various animals, in an effort to acquire precious gems. The many puzzles make smart use of the body-switching mechanic, while the entirely mouse-based controls do a lot with very little, even if they're a bit fiddly and sluggish currently. It's the beautiful angular art that makes it, however. (Via IndieGames)

I haven't played Telltale's Walking Dead games, but I do know that they don't feature Andrea, Michonne, The Governor's laboured Southern accent, or klutsy idiot T-Dog from the wildly varying TV show, so by comparison they should be pretty good. Pretty soon I'll have one more entry in the series to eventually play through, as Episode 3 of Season 2 has just been given a release date of...blimey, next week. That makes it a wait of just a month and a bit since the arrival of Episode 2, which must be some sort of record for the developers of almost every episodic game in existence. Season 2 Episode 3 is entitled 'In Harm's Way', and sees the gang ditching the whole zombie apocalypse to go on a wine appreciation holiday in the Algarve. Sorry, I've got my notes mixed up again. Oh, I see - yet more terrible things await Clementine and co.

May 13th. That's the date to write on your friend's forehead with a permanent marker pen, although of course you shouldn't do that at all. May 13th, according to my computer's calendar, is a Tuesday, which means we only have 3 days to wait. If you've not finished Episode 2 yet, you should probably go and do that now.

Here's a probably quite spoilery trailer:

Techland have raged against the Dying Light, an act of raging so effective that it's pushed their Mirror's-Edge-but-with-zombies game into 2015. Dying Light was originally scheduled to release this year, the year we're in, 2014, but they needed a bit more time to polish their parkour system, buff their zombies' rotting flesh, and whip up an emotive yet entirely unrepresentative backwards-slow-motion trailer. OK, maybe not that last one. You'll find Techland's statement below.

"When we started the development of Dying Light, we were committed to innovation. We wanted to give you a freedom of movement unprecedented in open-world games. After many improvements and months of hard work, we have now come so close to realizing our initial vision we feel we cannot stop before it is ready.

"We believe the Natural Movement element of our game will change what you expect from the genre, and we don t want to sacrifice any of its potential by releasing too early. This quality-focused thinking underlines all our development choices and we hope you share our belief that the gameplay must always come first.

"The new date ensures that we can fully realize our vision of an innovative open-world game. We won t need to make compromises or trade-offs on any of the five platforms we re working on. For you, it means an outstanding, original game that makes the wait more than worthwhile."

That new date, of course, is February next year, and if those extra few months result in a game more polished than the decrepit (but enjoyable) messes that were Techland's Dead Island and its Riptide expansion, that can only be a good thing. In case you've forgotten what it looks like, here's the latest trailer:

Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, an offer it sounds like nobody should refuse! It's on! MORE DULL KOMBAT 2! STREET FIGHTER II: ACTUALLY ON THE STREET EDITION! Round 1! Fight!

I think I'd probably go for 90s Rick Moranis. The early-ish one, before the millions and millions of dollars that would allow for the hiring of bodyguards and lawyers to sweep any 'unpleasantness' under the carpet. Nothing against the guy himself, I just think that if you're picking an enemy, go for someone you can probably take on, unless he turns out to be Stay Puft Marshmallow Size, in which case... hmm. Never mind, I wouldn't want to leave any wiggle room for whatever celestial entity is making this offer. Maybe then, Gilbert Gottfried. I'm sure his acidic put-downs would be devastating, but the satisfaction of repeatedly thumping that face has to make up for any tragic twist in the tale, right?

You know, this is a harder decision than I thought. Oh, but Russian thugs? Not on my list.

Ha! You won't be laughing when I TAKE YOUR HAT!

Still, it's a good question. What would you want in an enemy? I suspect most of us would rather not have one, that being much less stressful. But if you had to pick, would you prefer someone largely irrelevant, who could be safely ignored and occasionally swatted like a fly, or someone worthy of your own arrogance? A Moriarty to your Holmes, a Joker to your Batman, a Sonny to your Cher? Not merely an enemy, but a nemesis, around whom death and destruction may be constant companions but at least would provide validation and triumph. Is there not some appeal to that, especially if they're a little bit crap. Just a little, that the game can remain one of cat and mouse instead of, say, Saw V.

It must be a bit of an administrative nightmare though. For instance, is there some moment where both sides get to hash out their moral philosophies and at least quietly agree who is the hero and who is the villain? In public of course, both can claim the high ground or equivalence, but at some point someone has to go and get a costume made and it's better to know whether they're going for the bright heroic red or the sneaky-sneaky purple. And themes. A good villain doesn't merely oppose the hero but counterbalances them. This is presumably easy if you have fire and they have ice. But this is the real world, and it's more likely that you work in an office or a supermarket. If so, at the very least your enemy can't be on the same loyalty card program. That would just be ridiculous, and really let the side down.

Wait, are you wearing a business suit for this mugging? Are you that desperate for sandwich money?

Choose Your Enemy unfortunately doesn't dig into this thorny issue quite so deeply. It does technically let you Choose An Enemy, but it only has three to Choose from, and I can't honestly say any of them really have that je ne stand pas that I'd want in a nemesis. (Ideally, I'd want a nemesis from space, so that at least at some point we could visit their planet.) They're all pretty dull, really, united not by a burning hatred of all I deem worthwhile in this world - cats, Coca Cola and fish and chips, which admittedly would make for a fairly confusing evil spandex costume - but a love of face-punching and being a bit rapey to a blonde lady. And obviously, I'm against that. I was just hoping that when I made an Enemy worthy of the capital E, it'd be with them trying to blow up the world or something. A bit of it even.

Really, I'm not picky. Even Finland would do at a pinch.

Not Liechtenstein though. I do have some standards.

Neckless Frank! We meet again!

But anyway, our three nefarious fiends. There are basically two crap ones and one not so crap, with valuable lessons to impart! Pupo La Bamba for instance, "What a guy he could be, if not marijauna." With that one line, I think we have to accept that if humanity ever gives up the demon weed, at least part of the credit must go to Choose An Enemy for that stirring moral moment. His sidekick Ivan Kubrovka meanwhile makes the strongest stand against alcohol since the Volstead Act by warning "With 500cl of Gorbatchoff Vodka permanently staying in his stomach, Ivan thinks and moves slower than any other enemy."

Than any other enemy! Slugman, today is your day! Aquaman, check back tomorrow!

The third foe though combines both of their strengths with none of their weaknesses. His name - Fritz Ditz. "He doesn't drink and thus constantly changes tactics. He never made a puff of marijuana - so his movements are sharper and quicker than La Bamba's ones." Wow. Truly, a prince amongst men. Or better! Because: "From the very days of childhood Friz decided to be a King of the Street."

King Fritz of Straightlacier, the people of the world salute you and your life choices. Except for the ones about abduction, rape and punching strangers in the face. Your kingdom has to have a shit-ton more oil under it to get away with that, and you only seem to have a stockpile in your hair.

Also, you look disturbingly like comedian Hugh Dennis.

IT'S THE NOOOOOOOOOOW I PUNCH YOUR FACE OUT SHOW!

But onto the battle of the band of badasses that will probably require bandaids! In a cute twist, neither side has a health-bar as such, but instead lines of... teeth. The strong opponents knock two teeth out with every punch. The weak ones only give the dentist half that work. Your responses are to sock it back to them with both fists, trying not to worry about how the girl will react when a toothless blood monster suddenly looms up and yells "UH SAHVED YUU!" Screaming and running would be the best approach, really. Or indeed, leaving out the screaming and just plain running while the two combatants see who'll be getting the most from the Tooth Fairy that night. It's nice when even the loser gets something.

The combat system is as detailed as you would expect, by which I of course mean it looks like a child's painting of the Mona Lisa drawn entirely in crayon and occasional bits of poop where the brown one ran out. The best bit is that if you punch with both hands at once, the Enemy is able to punch up right through the middle as if landing a basketball dunk, only it's a tooth-shattering punch to the eating-hole.

UH I AH OH OR EEF UH OCK AAAAAAH!

The basic message of the game seems to be that having an Enemy really isn't worth it, though looking at the line-up, there is perhaps a more subtle piece of social commentary at work. Specifically, you can't trust people with no necks. There was supposedly a more advanced version where you could import your own neckless nemesis - Choose An Enemy suggests Bruce Lee, Hitler, Rambo, or "You Boss". It does however not seem to mind how you do this, saying you should just "take any obtainable scanner". Well, the ones in stores aren't usually nailed down, and if you run...

And so does the Enemy become ourselves. For when you stare into the Abyss, thou shouldst not be surprised that it stares back into you. Though if you try dropping a stone in to see how deep it actually is, the sound of eldritch cursing from the dimension of eternal agonies is totally worth a "Gosh, crikey."

Or, indeed, not.

For ultimately, my decision is that none of these three deserve full on Enemy status. At most, they can aspire to Person I Just Didn't Really Like The Look Of At All (I Can't Put My Finger On Why, But You Know What I Mean). One day, perhaps things will be different. One day, my prince of darkness may come. But when they show up, I definitely think our first ground-rule is going to be snark first, tooth-punching never.

Unless I get the first blow and I have a sledgehammer at the time. Then, perhaps.

Source is certainly showing some wrinkles in comparison to, say, UE4, but CS:GO remains the premier competitive shooter on PC today. Even after a decade half of history with the franchise, we still love the look and feel of its classic maps and their modern iterations: Mirage's A bombsite, Inferno's "banana" path, or Dust 2's dim tunnel.

Firing up CS:GO on LPC, I decided not to go with a triple-wide monitor setup, so I arranged our three 27" monitors in portrait configuration. This gave us a combined resolution of 4320x2560 or 25 percent/3 million more pixels than we'd get at 4K.

.@wesleyfenlon has fired up Next Car Game on our ludicrous 3x27" portrait setup. https://t.co/JYOJGYvSdr— Evan Lahti (@ELahti) May 9, 2014




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