“Load the platinum cannons with the world’s largest diamond!”*Ker-chunk*“Loaded, sir! But we don’t have anything to fire it at.”“You’re right, Jiggingtons! We’ve already blasted a hole where the Mona Lisa’s smile should be, and knocked the arms off the Venus de Milo. I need to purchase more art to destroy. Gentlemen, stand down. Amuse yourselves while I’m at the super-secret auction.”“Expositionally well done, sir. Sir, can we play some War Thunder while you’re gone? There are tanks in the closed beta, and all you need to do get in is buy a …”“Don’t be bloody stupid, Jiggingtons! I’m not made of money! Now hand me my ivory backscratcher, and get the man who tells the man who tells the other man to open the door for me. I’m orf.”> (more…)

As you’re by this point well aware, Valve is less a singular, unified company and more a series of creative cliques – with all the disjointedness and occasional infighting that entails. On the upside, that allows for all sorts of zany, deity-defying experiments, up to and including controllers tailor-made for that lumpy thing protruding from the bottom of your back. Also, your tongue. Thankfully, the two are not being used in conjunction. Go below for videos of Valve engineer Ben Krasnow’s two extremely, er, unique controllers.

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Blah. Bleh. Also bluh. I want Fallout 4, you want Fallout 4, the President (probably) wants Fallout 4, but Bethesda might have other plans. After a series of trademarks and countdown websites got us all in a tizzy – our faces practically aglow with irradiated glee – Bethesda’s seen fit to put what is maybe the final nail in this excitement-killing coffin. Everyone assumed an announcement would take place at this weekend’s Spike VGX, er, “awards,” but Bethesda marketing man Pete Hines has said that we shouldn’t get our hopes up.

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Knickers. I’ve just drawn Reader #3232 in the RPS Secret Santa draw. This year I’m buying for a chap who scribbles scores on his two-year-old son’s art, described Papers, Please as “adequate”, and last smiled in 1998*. Perhaps something in his reader file will trigger a gift idea.

Hmm. It appears he “tolerates wasps” and has a “grudging respect for the work of 19th Century sewer engineer Joseph Bazalgette”. That’s something, I suppose. Hang on – what’s this? “During a visit to the Somerset Shoe Museum in 2010, #3232 was overheard discussing Boyle’s Law and representations of Romanians in contemporary videogames”. Now that is> interesting. (more…)

What are you doing this weekend, readers? That’s just a general question you should feel free to answer in the comments, btw. I like hearing about your plans. If you feel the need to acquire something to do, then you might want to think about dropping into War Of The Vikings. Fatshark’s beard-and-beating sim is still a Steam Early Access title, but they’ve decided to allow people pile-in this weekend: it’ll be all yours to try from Dec 5th to December 8th. (more…)

Though the name might suggest a pulsating, acid-hazed version of Oregon Trail, that’s not quite what I had in mind when I said “opposite.” Shame, but Hotline Trail is nonetheless sublime in its simplicity. The infinite biker takes clear aesthetic inspiration from Hotline Miami (or perhaps the same sources as Hotline Miami), but its immediate vibe pulls an engine-roaring 180. Instead of ratcheting up the stakes and drowning the proceedings in schizophrenic chaos, Hotline Trail’s soothing electronic soundtrack and voiceover encourage you to find a groove and lose yourself in it.

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At Christmas, it is traditional for families to come together and share gifts, food, conversation and the occasional drunken slur. Behind this next door, everything is relative.

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Whatever Arranger is, and it appears to be many things, it has something in it called a “Turpato Peeler”. That is such a beautiful mangling of the term that I laughed for about a minute. The rest of this strange adventure game seems no less silly and wondrous: it’s set in a world of music and inspired by classic point and clickers, and a game where you fight not with swords or guns, but with the musical instruments that you’ve collected in your adventures. Your goal is to become the best music arranger the world of Musica has ever seen. The trailer below is quite the thing. (more…)

The Unreal 4 Engine is something you’ll be seeing a lot of in the next few years. All platforms, all devices, and probably even some high-end running shoes, will have its distinct shouldery shininess running away in the background. It will be the puppet master, pulling the strings of RPGs and FPSes and FPSeseseses. Frankly, it deserves some recognition, which is why Epic have been showing off its hidden secrets in a series of videos. Funnily enough, I was the last person on RPS to post one of these, and it’s a trend I’m happy to continue: the new video shows how some of the background of The Infiltrator demo was created, and I’ve embedded both below. (more…)

The Oculus Rift. You ask. They tell. Everything you want to know. That’s the plan, anyway. They’re busy chaps, but I’ll dust off my boxed copy of Windows 98 and do my best to beat some answers out of them. In the meantime, there’s been some movement in the 4K display arena. Dell has announced a couple of new 4K PC monitors, including a 24 incher (think of the pixel pitch, oh my science the pixel pitch) and what looks like a bargain priced 4K TN monitor. Oh, and some other stuff including an update on AMD Radeon R9 290s with better cooling in time for Xmas and a solution to one of the last great challenges in modern life, plugging in USB devices. (more…)