Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, an erotic French game that wouldn't have anyone turning Japanese - just turning their heads in confusion that someone thought this was a good idea.

Well, got to give this one a few points for originality at least. Geisha was part of French company Coktel Vision's short-lived quest to sex up adventure gaming, with "Authoress" Muriel Tramis switching from programming missiles to designing games that aimed to be erotic rather than pornographic. One of them was the insane Fascination, which we looked at ages ago. Another was Emmanuelle, based on the answer to the question "What do you read when you can't get your new game working?"

And then there was... ah, this. Your guess is as good as mine.

What a gentleman, helping the lady after she lost her dressing gown cord.

For starters, as you've probably guessed from the weird robot stuff around the lady at the top there, this isn't simply going to be some romance story or historical epic. No, it's much weirder, and not exactly helped by the poor translation. The basic gist though is that you're a secret agent type, on the trail of an fiend called... wait for it... "The Lubricious Dragon", whose partner has been kidnapped by a crazy mad scientist with a PhD in Sexy Evil. His schtick is making gynoid bonk-bots, which means 'lady-android bonk-bots'. Not content to simply make glorified Realdolls though, each one... pause for picture...

Pictured: SCIENCE!

...each one requires him to shoot a naked lady in the crotch to 'draw on the very essence of erotism' and then merge it with his Lego version to create a kind of chimera. This kills the unfortunate lady with pure pleasure, so without Barbarella on hand to out-orgasm it, bad things are in store for Eve.

Your gangster client talks for ages. He must be one of those yakkity-Yakuza.

I think that's what's happening, anyway. If I sound a little confused, it's because the screen where you're told all of this is also the screen where you have to randomly pick up a drink and pour it over a topless bathing woman so that she sits up and shouts and drops an access card that you need later on. You get exactly one shot at this, and just to make it even more difficult, you don't click the drink on her. Instead, you have to wave it over her until it spills. I suppose this could be realistic, if not for the part about picking it up from the other side of the swimming pool like a pervy Mr. Fantastic.

Wait, WHERE WERE YOU KEEPING THAT ACCESS CARD?

With this done, it's back to your hotel room to admire the porny decorations if you like, and jump into a confusing unlabelled mess of switches. Geisha isn't quite sadistic enough to have a 'silently fail the game' button amongst them, but it's close. The opening screen has a code you need, but it's viewed through a camera with only one shot. Take a picture of something like, say, the naked girl in the middle of the screen and you're screwed later on because what you actually needed was the code on the wall in the top left. Later, one vital inventory object is a female cricket that becomes about a one-pixel clickable object when it matters, isn't visible, and runs away if you click on it without putting oil on your hands and having a box ready to capture her. Fail, and it won't be a problem until the end of the game.

But can Geisha at least put the **** into "Oh, **** this?" Not exactly...

Something about that faaaaaaace...

It's split into five different chapters, set in a futuristic world full of things like the Jade Temple Senso Show, in which you "Project your holographic image behind the see-through mirror where your partner is waiting. See and feel everything she does to you." This sounds unnecessary complicated, unless you're living in the Demolition Man future, in which case won't someone think of the children?!

Not up your street? Maybe the White Willow Baths of Desire will help? "Come and relax in the knowing hands of massage experts," it promises, adding "Membership Condition: Hi-Seng Geisha Balls". I Googled this. I recommend you not Google this on a shared computer, at work, or at school - not because it apparently means anything, but because it's one of those times when Google's "Did You Mean..." suggestions has a certain amount of ahem-ing attached to it. Ahem.

Backing slowly away from the adverts, it's onto the first challenge - or as the game has it, CARESS. It involves visiting the Jade Temple, donning a sensation suit - sensation suit not provided - and engaging in the most sensuous and erotic and naughty of all mini-games... Mastermind!

When I said I wanted to push your buttons, this wasn't what I had in mind.

Yes, Mastermind! "Your suit has now recorded the sequence of five movements which when executed by your docile partner will take you to absolute pleasure," the game explains, apparently unaware that it's created the most off-putting erotic encounter this side of playing Strip Poker in a locked meat freezer. You stand there stark naked with a hologram, and have to give it five numbers - to get the obvious out of the way, no, '69' is not one of them. Only getting the right five numbers in the right order produces the exact right rubbing to get a happy ending. The sexiness level does not improve from here. Making this worse, the hint about order is done via an animation, so not available to double check, takes forever, and only gives a rough idea of how close you are to the right code. You also can't use the standard Mastermind trick of repeating the same number. Also, once you're done... no saving!

Geez, talk about trying to get lucky.

On the plus side, could be worse. At least it's not a grunting Magnus Magnusson looking up through a veil of sweat, then diving back down to crotch level with a "I've started, so I'll finish..."

Anyone but Donald is fine. I'm not choosy.

With that over, some Yakuza spontaneously decide that no gaijin gets off on their watch, and declare that it's time for... and I quote... Erotic Battle. All things considered, things could probably be much worse. This is much, much simpler than the last part, but with no ability to save between them, that's a blessed relief. You get to choose a card type that 'trumps' the opponent's in a tie, which offers a major advantage, and then it's really just a case of not playing a dumb one as they fight it out Battlechess style, or Battlechest style in the case of the boob-flashing Geisha cards.

Impressed, the Yakuza declare "You've done well! We will let you live. But we'll see you later!", and head off to what is presumably the bollocking of their lives from the villain. ("Master! We had him in our clutches, but he beat us at a slightly porny card game, so- We're all fired, aren't we?") You go home, and trust me when I say that rarely has a 'save game' button been hit so hard or so enthusiastically.

Well, this is one way to make Ecco the Dolphin more interesting, I guess.

The next chapter, EXCITE, is an action minigame. A woman called Oko offers to help get a black pearl that you need for... uh... reasons, if you can tell her where to find it. With the code, she happily strips naked and jumps into the sea to face off against three lanes of killer fish and her own limited lungs, while you take point with a gun. So, if you squint, it's a bit rude. It's also a little self-defeating, because Oko gets the absolute crap beaten out of her by these fish during her pearl diving, and is barely able to brush up against a couple of them before sinking like a stone - obvious floatation devices or not.

Thankfully, it's still pretty easy, with the main challenge being that it's random whether you get the two black pearls you need or just a load of useless white ones. The longer it goes on, the more likely it is that Oko will just swim right up right into a couple of fish and be all "Oh. I just remembered that these are lethal. Whoopsie!" Sigh. If only air tanks and sensible scuba gear were considered sexy.

Pretty sure prostitution in this universe is limited to playing Cluedo for money.

Chapter the whateverth, UNDRESS, gets slightly back to the whole 'erotic game' thing with a weird spin on Strip Rock Paper Shotgun Scissors. The objects are swords, fans and statues, but that's not the weird part. The weird part is that the girl you're playing against lets you choose her object as well, ripping her clothes off a bit for every victory. It's not quite that easy though, because instead of simply picking the winner, it does a 'no whammies!' routine, auto-cycling through the options at high speed.

Oh, and because this is Geisha, the most unfair erotic game ever, you have to win 7 times out of 15. Ties are effectively losses, because you can only play each object you've got once. Luckily, this is 2013, which means DOSBox and the ability to slow down PC cycles, so... well... hah! The reward is a shuffling dance that says "we meant this to be sexy, but this is Geisha after all..." and then it's on to the next challenge. What's it called? PENETRATE. No kidding. This is a thing that has happened.

Geisha's 'erotic' minigames are getting less subtle by the second, aren't they?

...though it's not quite what you might think. Actually, the task is to 'enter the heart of the city of pleasure through its basements', which is entirely different, because you do it in this mini-game.You're in a submarine, I think, and have to make it through a gauntlet of killer robots and... uh... giant lips? The metaphor is as bizarre as it is un-subtle. Presumably you're the captain of the Naughtylus. Anyway. There are three levels to get through, and one health-bar. Yay. Luckily, it's still very easy, with whoever designed it not having been that bothered about complexity, or limiting pick-ups.

And after that?



Yes, at this point, the game crashed. And despite three attempts, refused to continue.

Hurm. Hurmy-hurmy-hurm.

Well, no matter. It's not like the story was exactly full of twists and turns. Unfortunately, Geisha is obscure enough that there's not a vast amount of information on what's next - which turns out to be the final chapter. There's only one walkthrough online, which helpfully doesn't tell you to do an essential thing at the start of the game until it's about to explain the endgame - so thanks for that, whoever wrote it. First up is one of those sliding block puzzles that I gather Richard Dawkins keeps in his pocket so that he always has something to whip out at people when he needs to yell "See! NO GOD!" It looks like a dragon. It probably represents the building blocks of a relationship, each piece having to move with consideration for the others to avoid leaving a gaping hole where trust should be, or something.

And the final chapter, to go along with the likes of UNDRESS and EXCITE and SEDUCE?

Ah, the Geisha. Truly, worldwide symbols of refinement and elegance...

You know what? I think I choose to leave instead.

Honestly though, when this is the final showdown, it's a shame not to have seen it just to have an idea of what the heck is going on in this description and how it was presented on screen. Is the villain really taken out by a nut-shot, or is there something sexier going on? Only slightly sexier, mind. This is still Geisha. We can also probably assume that the villain is actually the guy who hired you, since his lady friend had the access card you need to get to the final showdown and I don't remember seeing an explanation of either why or where. That's just a guess though. It may be something interesting instead.

Before you can position the pot of bonsai on the square, you must get rid of a male cricket living in it. First use the Hinoki oil and then the box with the female cricket. While the picture of the box is still on the screen, move your cursor to the male cricket and click. The two insect will run off. Now, bring the pot onto the square with the code that appeared in the photograph. The door will open and you will see Napadmi (the villain of the game, responsible for all kinds of, er, whatever he's doing). You must quickly position your cursor at his crotch and click it. The scene freezes and the clothes of his crotch uncovers. Keep clicking at all parts of his body until his clothes and mask are fully uncovered.

Huh. Well, not having a picture of any of that, here's what happens if you lose.

He thinks he's an impressive dragon, but nothing can dragon like the Mastermind bit. Grr.

Geisha wasn't the last of Coktel Vision's erotic games, but it was by far the worst of them. Luckily, it wouldn't be long afterwards that the company was absorbed into the Sierra family, told to put its pants back on, and got a chance to make some actually popular games - the Goblins puzzle series, and to a lesser extent, the adventure Lost in Time and whatever-Inca was game Inca - before collapsing in the wake of an interactive movie that was released as Urban Runner but spent most of its development under the hilarious name "Lost In Town". It was almost exactly as good as it sounded, only not.

But those are for other weeks, possibly. For now, it's not hard to see why Geisha languishes in such obscurity, even by early Coktel Vision standards. As an erotic game, it fails miserably. As a collection of minigames designed to represent various sexytime activities, it's just sad. If people had to play Mastermind before foreplay, the human race would be extinct within a generation or three, though at least the final one would be really, really good at code breaking. Still, to be nice, I figure I should think of at least one good thing to say about this game - and luckily, it turns out I have exactly one.

It's still slightly better than Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust.

Even though it's set to feature giant mechanized robots, Titanfall found its origins in some decidedly "old-school" development techniques, according to Respawn Entertainment lead artist Joel Emslie. Emslie details this process and more in a two-part interview about the upcoming first-person shooter.

Computers were scarce when the Respawn development studio initially opened, so artists turned to some decades-old methods to visualize their ideas like kitbashing and practical model making, according to Emslie. This hands-on approach had an influence on the game's art design, connecting the giant mechs in Titanfall to some of what we see in classic sci-fi films like Star Wars and Blade Runner, he said.

"We want the titans to feel analog and grounded, genuine," Emslie said, "like a real next-generation or further generation evolved version of an Abrams battle tank."

For Emslie, Titanfall is an experience all about layering game environments, mechs, and pilots together. And with the shooter's jetpack-wearing infantry and parkour-style movement mechanics, it's tough to disagree with the mobility and versatility on display in the game we called the best new FPS of E3.

"When you step into the world of Titanfall, you're stepping into a single-player, alive, AI-driven environment game space, inhabited by other real players, your friends," Emslie said. "Whoever is out there."

For more from Emslie on Titanfall, check out the interviews below.

Thanks, VG24/7

It's no secret that Battlefield 3's single-player was, well, less than stellar. The campaign was handy for making trailers, but ended up being a hyper-scripted Michael Bay movie that no one wanted to see. DICE General Manager Karl-Magnus Troedsson knows the campaign didn't stack up in Battlefield 3 and wants to fix that in the sequel.

“There are signature multiplayer elements that we want to bring into single-player,” Troedsson told OPM. “We want to give the player a choice. Do they want to go for the sneaky approach with a sniper rifle and a silenced pistol, or do they want to take a jeep and have the entire squad shoot at everything they see?”

Troedsson also mentioned that Battlefield 4’s campaign will be more of a spacious playground rather than the constricting streets and alleyways you were funneled into in Battlefield 3. That’s all well and good, but simply adding large environments and deeper weapon variety don’t make a campaign. EA needs to convince players that single-player in a Battlefield that doesn’t have “Bad Company” at the end of the name is one worth playing. Otherwise, what’s the point of creating a single-player campaign in the first place?

EA and DICE will have another chance to impress us when the blockbuster shooter comes out on Oct. 29.

You think it's enough that Guild Wars 2 will soon be churning out updates on a fortnightly basis? No? Well, how about access to its code, then? Yep—that's exactly what ArenaNet is doing, enabling players to create their own tools, apps, and more.

"We have a team working on exposing some of the code to the player base," said lead content designer Mike Zadorojny to PCGamesN. "We have APIs the players can tie into. The fans are already working on a Google Maps for Tyria that lets you zoom in and see what’s going on at the individual map level. We’ve exposed what events are running and where they’re running too."

"If you want to know the current World versus World status and who owns what towers and keeps, all that information is being exposed. We’re going to keep adding new features and exposing more code."

Zadorojny thinks the API will be used mainly to craft iOS and Android apps to complement the GW2 experience.  I wonder if any fans will take it upon themselves now to develop the planned-but-never-executed marketplace-scanning app...

What does a game that got banned in Australia look like? Why, it looks like Saints Row 4—which is to say that this game is full of offensive purple suits. Here's the in-game walkthrough that was shown off at E3, narrated by senior producer Jim Boone. No, he does not explain why the President of the United States has tigers just casually lounging about the White House.

Like, of course there's an official White House Turret. This is how an alien invasion is dealt with, Saints Row-style. The second half of the video gives us a taste of the open-world mayhem we loved in the previous Saints Row games, featuring a superpowered sprint through the city and a host of new abilities, including one which causes nearby enemies to randomly burst into flames. Yep, it seems the silliness of the previous Saints Row games really has been topped—and it's looking glorious.

Indie shooter Strike Vector has released a new Steam Greenlight trailer, giving us a substantial look at gameplay footage from the in-progress, multiplayer air-combat title. Building on what we have already seen, the new video shows more of the gritty world that serves as a backdrop for multiplayer dogfights between agile mercenary jet fighters.

Strike Vector appears to be a shooter built upon a series on contrasting and flexible approaches to gameplay. The trailer demonstrates two examples of this, in that pilots can switch between first-person and third-person views of their Vector fighters as well as two different ways of flying—stationary mode and jet mode. We also get a hint of the customization options being built into the game. The video shows a left and right weapon platform for the jet, with associated perks and engine options also a possibility.

Any art style that brings to mind classic, John Harris-style sci-fi illustrations, is always appreciated. And with its giant ships, one-man fighters, and industrial feel, that's exactly what is on display so far in Strike Vector.

Designed by a four-person team, the game currently has a release date for "early 2014," according to the its official website. Check out the new trailer below.

Hat tip, Rock, Paper, Shotgun.

Sid Meier is second only, perhaps, to Tom Clancy in the ranking of “guys with their names at the front of game titles.” Unlike Clancy, though, Meier actually had a hand in developing legendary games like Sid Meier’s Civilization, Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri, Sid Meier’s Pirates!, and the original X-COM.

Meier hasn’t always courted the press, but over at Kotaku there’s a lengthy feature interview relating Meier’s recollection of pivotal moments in gaming history. For example, there’s the somewhat-disputed origin of the “Sid Meier’s” moniker that made its way to so many of our favorite games:

“We were at dinner at a Software Publishers Association meeting, and Robin Williams was there,” longtime collaborator Bill Stealey says. “And he kept us in stitches for two hours. And he turns to me and says ‘Bill, you should put Sid's name on a couple of these boxes, and promote him as the star.’ And that's how Sid's name got on Pirates, and Civilization.”

The interview also explores a lot of Meier’s personality, including some aspects that I had never known before. Meier is a devout Christian who plays music for his church. Though his games are frequently about violent times and places, there is never any blood or gore shown. He designs and creates his games by playing them, over and over, until they are fun.

For a ton of great anecdotes about the games and studios that defined Meier’s career and, in turn, defined an industry and a generation of gamers, check out the full profile.

Image from Firaxis.

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The birds are chirping, the squirrels are frolicking, and the best StarCraft II, Call of Duty: Black Ops II, and League of Legends players are warming up their clicking fingers for the 2013 MLG Spring Championship.

The clash of champions starts today at 5 pm on the Major League Gaming website (or in Anaheim, CA if you’ve snagged tickets), and lasts until the sun sets on Sunday, June 30. MLG’s streaming the tournament for free, so don’t fret if you didn’t have the time, money, or patience to reach the Anaheim Convention Center.

You might think it’s a little strange seeing StarCraft II on that list considering Blizzard and MLG parted ways just a few days ago, but that seems to only apply to the World Championship Series Blizzard has been touting.

So sit back, relax, and try not to think about how the 2013 MLG Spring Championship is happening during the summer.

Image via majorleaguegaming.com

Sid Meier's Civilization V’s newest expansion, Brave New World, doesn’t hit PC until July 9. But the drive of the human spirit to create great things is so indomitable, so profound, that the producers of the launch trailer refused to wait and instead released it today. For freedom! For progress!

Or maybe they put it out 11 days early because it’s got Keith David narrating, and that alone should pour some gas on the publicity fire.



We’ve had a lot of fun with Civ V and its various expansions, and we’ve been looking forward to diving into this one. It adds nine new civilizations including Morroco, Brazil, Venice, and Indonesia. The new civilizations and their leaders can strive toward eight new Wonders, including Broadway, the Globe Theatre, and the International Space Station.

Players can also look forward to conquering the world monetarily through new trade routes or bringing nations to order through the World Congress.

Brave New World hits on July 9 in the US and July 12 everywhere else. You can snag it for $30/£20.

Divinity: Dragon Commander is one of those games that defies genre classification, and does so quite aggressively. Like, angry-dragon-wearing-a-jetpack aggressively.

We’ve had a few looks at Dragon Commander before, but Belgian developer Larian recently released a full half-hour of game footage that apparently covers one complete turn in the singleplayer campaign. Dragon Commander is basically an RTS, with its attendant maps and troop movements and economical micromanaging. But when the action finally kicks off, well, suddenly it’s a lot more things. Behold:



The video begins with Swen Vincke, the founder and creative director of Larian, upgrading technologies aboard a steampunky-fantasy airship, then checking out the strategic map and making adjustments. As he takes his armies to battle, though, he’s able to use “favors,” which take the form of cards that upgrade or affect parts of the battle.

Once in battle, Swen manifests himself as a dragon who flies around the battlefield issuing orders and building bases and capturing points—when he’s not throwing fireballs, dodging bullets or speeding around with his jetpack. If you’ve ever wanted to play Total War but manifest as a giant that simply squishes your enemies during battle, this looks like a dream come true.

Divinity: Dragon Commander is in beta right now, but it will land on PC on August 6.