If your family is from a place on the planet that means it has a heraldic shield, chances are it's actually pretty simple. I know mine is. If only I lived in the Land of Ooo, where my allegiance would get me seeing something like these framed at my Nanna's house.

If I decided to get the Land of the Dead one tattooed somewhere, I really can't think of a point in my life where I'd regret the decision.

They're the work of artist Mr. Caputo, and if you feel like putting one up at your place, they're available as prints from his store.

The Adventure Time heraldic shields collection [Mr. Caputo, via Gamefreaks]

There's been some unsavoury talk of statues today. Let's clear the air, then, with a look at a statue that does gross the right way.

This piece, of Dead Space's creepy wall-hugging lurkers, sadly isn't available for purchase. It's a custom job, by British artist Sean Schofield, and if you think it's just a wee statue to sit on your desk, nope. It's 1:1 scale. Meaning it measures just under three feet tall.

Impressive, if also slightly terrifying.

Dead Space Lurker [DeviantArt, via Toycutter]

It's 2013, and I don't play multiplayer video games anymore. I just don't enjoy it. There's too much hostility, and too much time required to either grind levels or learn maps.

It wasn't always this way, though. I was once, believe it or not, a member of an online gaming clan. And a role-playing one at that.

That clan was The Last Starfighters League, and despite the name suggesting otherwise, it had nothing to do with the classic video game movie. Instead, it was a clan for all things Star Wars.

I joined in 1999, and back then, it was pretty much all X-Wing vs Tie Fighter. X-Wing Alliance would gradually replace it as the go-to game of choice, but basically, it was a clan for space combat (though "ground forces" titles like the Jedi Knight series were also played). And it was great.

The clan was big on really getting into the Star Wars universe, so rather than just, say, picking a nickname/handle, you had to really roll your sleeves up, choosing first a faction (Imperial, Rebel or Ghost Legion), and then a squadron. Battles between factions would be recorded, fake reports written up, medals awarded, the works. Players were even encouraged to keep their in-game chatter as in-character as possible.

It was terribly geeky, in a way that makes me a little embarrassed now, but I think for me—and everyone else involved—it came along at the perfect time in not just our lives, but the life of the internet. I was 19. Moving on from my high school friends, yet to really settle in with my university friends. No longer a schoolkid, not yet an adult. I was still into Star Wars and video games, but needed something more.

It's easy to take geekdom, a love of something and the means of connecting with other people who love something as well for granted these days, but in 1999, that wasn't the case. There was no Facebook, no Tumblr, no blogs, almost nothing to instantly let you find people just like you and hang out with them.

Games weren't connected magically through the wonders of Steam or Xbox Live. You had to use a game's own match-making or, worse, subject yourself to Microsoft's woeful Gaming Zone, which if you ever find yourself complaining about Games For Windows Live, know that you know nothing of Microsoft's ability to torture innocent PC gamers.

And that was just for playing blind games. To actually meet people, you had to fumble around, find these little closed groups, gain access to them. It was almost a game in itself. And when you did, it was... weird. You couldn't look up a Facebook profile to see what someone looked like, or chat with them over Xbox Live. I spent my two years with that clan knowing almost nothing about its members but what their nickname was and what little communication we exchanged via text, whether that be in a forum or in-game.

Sounds lame, and in many ways it was, but it also helped with the meta-game that was going on. You could, if only for a few hours at a time, forget that the other person flying with you was some Dad, or kid, or weird loner. He was your wingman. Indeed, my decision to leave the clan was made soon after I attended my one and only gathering at a function centre, giving me my first chance to meet and greet my comrades in arms. It was...well, while there were some cool people there, let's just say the number of sad middle-aged men present ended my ability to role-play pretty quick.

In my time at LSF, I was never that great a pilot. While I'd fancied myself amazing, given my singleplayer exploits, it was my first introduction to the world of gamers finding certain rules or moves that "break" or "cheat" a game, rendering many of my tactics useless. I did, however, enjoy much of my time there, and even tried my hand at founding my own division in order to climb through the ranks. That division was a "ground unit", who would play... Force Commander. One of the worst Star Wars games ever made. So yeah, that didn't end well.

About the only thing that did end well was my name, Valkyrie, chosen as a homage to the Veritech fighters of the Macross series. I thought it was a pretty obvious reference, but nope. Turns out for months everyone thought the name was literal, and that I was—gasp—a girl. You can imagine their disappointment when the truth got out.

I was playing X-Wing Alliance again the other day, which prompted this little walk down memory lane, and as part of that stroll I figured I'd go and check in on the old digs, see if they were still around. Amazingly, given the site was made in 2000 (and that the clan itself is long gone), they were. At least partially. The league's main site is still up and running, and as you can see from the games listed on the sidebar, is about as perfect a snapshot of early-2000's Star Wars gaming on the PC as you can get. From that main page, several others are still working, including guides on how to join the group (you need demos!) and even the chain of command.

Sadly, the real meat of the site—the forums—are long gone. As are the faction pages, which held things like medal collections and battle honours. But hey, at least the memory remains. The awkward, uncomfortable memories of role-playing in a Star Wars universe in which the only communication was by text, and in which everyone was more Porkins than Han Solo.

If you own a PC, you should probably get this.

Teased last year, Catzilla is a new benchmarking program from All Benchmark. Taking the form of an animated sequence about a giant cat blowing stuff up, it's supposed to help you test out your hardware. But really, I've spent half the morning just watching the thing, performance indicators be damned. It's so good.

It's a free download from All Benchmark's site, but if you just want to see the cat madness, you can see the test in its entirety above.

For how old the character is, Samus' power armour is actually standing the test of time pretty well, with only a few minor modifications needing to be done over the decades.

So a redesign for the character probably isn't necessary. If it were though, artist medders has a pretty sweet idea of how it could go down, keeping the colour and basic design elements while giving everything else a more contemporary facelift.

I like.

Reboot [medders, via Copiously Geeky]

It's taken seven years of work, but three brothers from Finland have finally completed what must surely be their life's work: KastleVania 4, an epic feature-length film based on Konami's Castlevania series.

There's full voice-acting, special effects, the animation is good... seriously, it feels wrong to just be able to view this for free, so much work has gone into it.

KastleVania 4 - Vanian Legenda (2012) full 146min movie in LEGO [hovinet, via Brothers Brick]

Oh, trashy reality TV shows. You're so formulaic, and so awful, and yet there's something about you that makes it difficult to look away. Like a car wreck, really. (And sure, sometimes you're genuinely entertaining.)

Here is a Skyrim machinima by Nerdist that takes a look at what happens when a group of strangers get together, stop being polite, and start being re- oh, you know how this goes.

The modern-day voices/inflections/accents are jarring, but in a good way. It's hilarious to watch all the different Skyrim races act like vapid airheads or meatheads—particularly The Nooch, who gets REALLY EXCITED at everything. In that football playing jock sort of way.

Also, do you see that? It's a freaking pool in the middle of the house! A pool! And that other guy killed a dragon with a rock once. Are you impressed? ...hah.

REAL WORLD: Whiterun - Episode 1 (Skyrim machinima) [Nerdist]

The game isn't affiliated with Star Wars: The Old Republic, though it is a response of sorts to the recent debacle concerning a 'gay planet.'

Here is a Twine game by Anna Anthropy that's all about searching for an elusive gay planet. It's called, as you might have guessed, The Hunt For The Gay Planet.

The premise:

You've heard rumors of a secret paradise planet where people like you can be people like you, a glittering world where women walk arm-in-arm with women, where you can feel the heat of a lady's reciprocating gaze without having to feel the burn of a thousand judgemental stares on your skin.

Lesbionica. The gay planet. Let's find it.

Like other Twine games, it plays somewhat like a choose-your-own-adventure. And, like much of Anna's work, you might consider it NSFW.

I'd say this runs about 15 minutes, and it made me chuckle a few times—both out of the strength of Anna's writing, and also because the idea of a 'gay planet' is so absurd/silly/crazy.

Worth a play, here.

Capcom's downloadable content policy? Not super-great. Capcom's policy of remembering January exists and actually releasing games in a month that most big game companies ignore? Pretty awesome.

Let us look at how they've warmed us with games January after January.

Mega Man X - January 1994 (SNES)

Source: The DreamSlayer93's longplay of the game.

Resident Evil 2 — January 21, 1998 (PS1) / January 14, 2003 (GC)

Source: JimmyPMV's longplay of the game.

Mega Man Legends — January 10, 2001 (N64)

WildWolfG's longplay of the game.

Onimusha: Warlords — January 25, 2001 (PS2) / January 28, 2002 (Xbox)

Source: AginoEvolution's longplay of the game.

Devil May Cry 2 — January 25, 2003 (PS2)

Source: MichaelXboxEvolved's longplay of the game.

Maximo vs. Army of Zin — January 20, 2004 (PS2)

Source: Official screenshot.

Resident Evil 4 — January 11, 2005 (GC)

Source: NeoGAF

Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening SE — January 24, 2006 (PS2)

Source: Kyomaster87's longplay of the game.

Mega Man Maverick Hunter X — January 31, 2006 (PSP)

Source: RodriguezJr's longplay of the game.

Lost Planet — January 12, 2007 (Xbox 360)

Source: Official screenshot.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Justice for All — January 16, 2007 (DS)

Source: Official Nintendo screenshot.

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law — January 8, 2008 (PS2/PSP/Wii )

Source: Saxcat20's longplay of the game.

Dark Void — January 19, 2010 (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Source: Official trailer.

Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars — January 26, 2010 (Wii)

Source: Classic Game Room

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective — January 11, 2011 (DS)

Kaisap112's longplay of the game.

DmC — January 15, 2013 (Xbox 360/PS3) / January 25, 2013 (PC)

Source: Official screenshot.

Remember Neopets? It was that online virtual pet website that was really popular in the early 2000's, and it allowed you to play games, shop and even battle your 'neopets.' You might say Neopets was a step up from Tamagotchi, but a step down from Pokemon. And even though it's over a decade old, the Neopets site is still running—to my amazement.

For some reason, I decided to hop back onto Neopets last night. I stopped playing the game years ago, when I was in middle school, after becoming bored of having so many 'neopoints'—the in-game currency. Stuff becomes boring when you can have it all.

How I got so many neopoints is a "funny" story. And by funny, what I really mean is awful. Having just learned the wonders of HTML, I made terrible Myspace-like websites that prompted visitors for their Neopets usernames and passwords. Then I'd log into their account and steal their neopoints.

And bless my wretched little heart, I thought I was "hacking" because hacking is cool and I knew how to make websites. I was so damn cool I lost friends to Neopets, only to eventually lose interest in the game altogether. Hah.

I decided to try to log back into that original account, but alas, mentally going through all the embarrassing usernames and emails I've had over the years couldn't help me find my account info. So, I decided to make a new account instead. Which is probably just as good, because my pets would have been starving for years and years and years—as far as I can tell, pets don't die. At least Tamagotchi die!

Username? "thisisforworkiswear," yeah, that sounds about right. Now let's choose a pet woa-

I don't remember anything like this when I was around! The lead image was what pet-choosing looked like, and that felt more personal, you know? As personal as creating a digital pet can be for the early 2000's.

What an awful UI the game has, now—clunky, overpopulated, kind of tacky. But then again, this just seems to be a 'thing' all across Neopets. When I initially visited the website, I couldn't really tell what the logic behind anything on the homepage.

Truthfully, I wasn't sure if it was just that I'm getting old and damn kids with their stupid websites. You judge. But to me most of Neopets looks like the type of website that has ads for games you'd never actually want to play.

---

Anyway, I went with a Meerca as a pet—see left. And I named it datassraccoon, because, well. They're making the same face.

I don't remember having to choose stats either, but you can now. A lot has changed in a decade. Did you know there's a paid version of Neopets as well?

Naturally I wasn't about to drop some money for this shit. I was here on a mission: to prove I could make a ton of neopoints the right way. The clean way. I wanted redemption. Neopets redemption.

Easy way to do that? Play games, of course. Playing games on Neopets gives you neopoints if you choose to submit whatever score you got at the end of a game. Each game gives out a different number of neopoints depending on how easy it is to play. I remember the games being much of the draw of Neopets, but memory and nostalgia are awful liars.

Checking out the games list, I was surprised to find that most of the games I played back in the day were still around—and still popular. What?

Meerca Chase II for instance is just a reskinned version of Snake. Snake, naturally, is a classic and a load of fun—but really, in a decade, nobody has come up with a better idea that would best a snake-knockoff in popularity?

The other two top games: a slot-machine game, and a game where you use a baseball bat to hit a creature as far as you could. The baseball game involves hitting spacebar twice.

They're all horrible games, and yet I would have found them riveting as a kid, I'm sure. It makes you wonder how much you can trust about what you liked when you were younger—a few months ago, I retried Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles and was saddened by how differently I remembered it. It was an amazing game in my head! Not so much in actuality.

Back to Neopets though. Beyond the Neopets games being bad mechanically—often simplistic reskins of other games—Neopets games also falter technically. It wasn't uncommon for the games to sputter and freeze for a second. And to top this all off, of course, comes the "wonderful" flash game aesthetic.

Why did Neopets explode in popularity when we were younger?

I probably wouldn't have kept playing had I not noticed a leaderboard. Then I was overtaken with a petty desire to overthrow the ten year olds that now play the game. Mature, I know. After a couple of hours I will never, ever get back, I couldn't even come close to any of the scores. I logged off, humiliated.

Stupid flash games. Stupid ten year old kids that are probably 22 year old kids like me logging on after years of abandoning their pets and out of a misplaced sense of nostalgia.

I came back a few hours later only to bizarrely be asked to make another pet. What the hell? Where did datassracoon go? I made him again, this time blue. I played some more Meerca Chase II because I'm old and I'm scared of new things so I stuck to what I knew (this also explains why this post is about Neopets and not the new hot thing for kids, Club Penguin.)

Eventually I got tired of that and I decided wanted to explore. I checked the world map. Nothing new. I check out the customization options. I notice I can't make sense of anything there. Then, suddenly:

---

Um, what? Wait, wait, wait. Oh my god! datassraccoon was DELETED because of his name! And then I made a new pet and he was deleted too!

A pet will stay alive if you never feed or interact with it. But name it something wrong? Boom. Gone.

I just wanted to redeem myself. I wanted to make an honest living. I wanted to understand kid's fascination with a horrible game. Instead I killed two Neopets. :(

Needless to say, fuck Neopets.

EDIT: To clarify—It makes sense why I was banned. Total sense. What doesn't is the whole "the neopet was straight up deleted" part. There are less drastic measures!