Christmas. Christmas never changes. Every day this week though, Fallout: New Vegas gets into the spirit of the season as a selection of mods make wishes come true... for better or worse. Today, the wasteland wakes up to an unusually snowy world - at least except the Jacobstown mutants, but it's not as if anyone was heading over there with a bottle of wine and seasonal good cheer anyway.

Previously: Part 1




Cassidy! Get yourself up, something amazing's gone and happened! There's snow everywhere and it's like Santa's been and everyone's woken up with something they most wished for last night. You'd better come out and-





What? Quit gawpin' already. Not like you've never seen me with bed hair before.



Aaah. Cass, you didn't... didn't go to bed last night wishin' for a better childhood or anything, right? No like, secret desire for a lost youth or nothing?



Yeah, those long days of not being able to drink are top of my nostalgia list. You been shot in the head again there, Haettenschweiler?



In that case, little lady, you better go find a non-broken mirror somewhere pretty soon. I'll be... you'll find me over here, by the tree. Behind the tree, most likely.



Jeez. Don't know what's up with him today, but...



...





Listen up, perverts. I am not some Lydia to play dress-up with. Lydia wouldn't start lopping off balls with broken whiskey bottles, and believe me, I have a lot of whiskey bottles going spare. This was your doing, you better pray it reverses right now or-





Aw, you looked so cute.



That never happened, you got it? Never happened. Now what the hell's going on? Where did the snow come from? Why's there dancing strippers outside? Where's my hangover? Why is no-one else looking like they want to scream?



It's a Christmas miracle, Cass! Everyone got what they wanted.



And you're saying that like it's a good thing? Your semi-amnesia stretched to where we live, Segoe UI? Don't see most folks round here asking for pre-war books or anything. We'd all better pray whatever happened didn't get as far as Caesar...





Hail Caesar!



That's 'Caesar'.



Whatever. Our scouts have verified the reports. The entire south-east of the Mojave is filled with Legionaries, none there yesterday, many in more accurate Roman armour. It's like we're an actual army instead of a small town Ren-Faire in skirts.



As a wise man named Aristotle once said, “Be not arrogant when fortune smiles, or dejected when she frowns.” If fortune is smiling, it behooves us to accept gracefully, wouldn't you say, Praetorian?



Great Caesar is forever wise.



Yes. Yes, indeed. That... ah... that rather reminds me. Some of your Frumentarii... not me of course, I would never presume to question such as yourself... have been wondering about the... uh... rather sudden change of staff around here?



The what, Lucius?



The... uh... the way your Praetorian guard rather seem to have been... replaced overnight with rather more... distaff counterparts. Modestly hot redhead ones, to be exact. It seems a little... out of... out of character for a misogynistic despot?



I like my new 'Vale' girls. Tell anyone who complains that we all have our crosses to bear in this life, and they shall find themselves bearing theirs all the way to a radioactive Golgotha if they do not remember their place.



Sir? You appear to have... a delivery waiting outside from a man named Boone. Note attached says "Happy Saturnalia from me and my dead wife, you fascist piece of-" and then it's all just crossed out. Shall I have it sent away?



Nonense! It must be tribute from an admirer of my attempts to civilise this wasteland. Bring it before me! Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's!






FISTO THE LOVE-BOT IS HERE! PREPARE FOR NUMBNESS!



Praetorians! Defend me! Destroy this abomination!



FISTO IS INDESTRUCTIBLE!





Reckon you just might got a point there, at that. Going to be a lot of slavers and rapists and such getting their presents too, and while I'm guessin' we won't be seeing those for various reasons of good taste...



EVEN FISTO IS DISTURBED BY GOOGLING 'SEXOUT'



...stands to reason some folks might need defending from their neighbours' ideas of how the world outta be. What you say, Cass? Should we go see what's new out there? I reckon there may just be unfinished work for us yet.



Sure beats hanging around here waiting for aliens to attack or whatever. Say, if everyone out there got what they wanted, how's about you? What was your gift?



Aw, you know me, Cass. I'm just an old-style cowboy at heart. Always said, with the sun kept from my eyes, big iron on my hip and the horizon callin' me forwards, I got all any pilgrim could ask for in this life.



That's surprisingly mature.



Yeah, so I was surprised as hell to wake up owning some toy called a "Cortex Scrambler" that nerve-staples folks to be my slaves. Like this guy.





Wait, wha- NANOPROBES INSERTED! INITIALISING NEURAL TAKEOVER SUBROUTINE! I AM YOURS TO COMMAND!



You are so losing karma points for that.



Suggest we spend some time looking round to see what else might be lying round town for us to use, then tomorrow, hit the dusty trail to go check out the big bad wasteland. You with me one last time, Cassidy?



Snowy trail. And at least you're still acting like I got a choice, even with you holding that thing, so I figure that's cause to stick around for a bit.



Aw, shucks, Cass, like I'd ever do a thing like that. I reckon we've been through enough for you to know your business as well as me.



Thanks, I guess. Means... means a lot.



Just make sure's you keep your distance, only use your ranged weapons, and open up that inventory - I got a whole heap of crap I been meanin' to unload.



...I am sworn to carry your burdens.



What was that there, partner?



Nothing. Probably nothing at all...


Today's Mods: Frozen World, Placeable Christmas Trees, Cass and Veronica Shojo Restyled, Female Caesar's Legion, Increased Legion Presence, Increased Wasteland Spawns, Cortex Scrambler

There are plenty of national gaming stereotypes. From the USA, you get explosions and Hollywood bombast. Germany gives us micromanagement. England’s the home of the quirky. And France? Along with Japan, it’s where the weirdness comes from. Case in point: Little Big Adventure—or Relentless: Twinsen’s Adventure, as it was called in the US.

What’s so strange about it? Everything. The rabbit people living alongside cloned elephants who shoot knock-out bombs from their trunks. A hero called Twinsen on a quest to save the world of Twinsun, no matter how confusing that is. You can even—on second thought, forget that stuff. All you need to know is that the series’ main villain is a twisted scientific dictator named Dr. FunFrock and you can buy it on GOG for a current price of $3. The rest? Merely detail.

Both LBA games were cult hits in Europe, and they still hold up reasonably well—though the fi rst is a much more fi ddly game (you even take damage if you run into walls). Most of it was spent exploring Twinsun itself, taking down Dr. DullPants’s evil empire with the help of a magic ball, a fl ying dragon creature, and one of those convenient prophecies that villains must really get sick of. LBA2picks up later on, as a simple hunt for medicine leads to the discovery that Twinsun’s wizards are disappearing. Could it have anything to do with the friendly alien race that just landed in their spaceships?

Welcome to Zeelich
 


While it’s nowhere near as free-form, there’s a distinct Zelda vibe to LBA’s world. It’s soft-shaped, with lots to poke and prod at, a steady stream of new toys like jetpacks and buggies to play with, scenery that dispenses coins, and a genuine sense that you’re exploring a world built with love. Like many sequels, it makes excellent use of familiar ground to let you see how things have changed from the previous game, from Twinsen’s now peaceful village on the once-fortified Citadel Island to a return trip through the dungeon called the Temple of Bu. But soon enough, you’re jetting off to a new world entirely: the gas planet of Zeelich.

The hardest thing to get used to is the control system. Twinsen moves fluidly enough for a 3D game released in 1997, but he has a tendency to get stuck on the scenery, and gets both frozen and thrown backwards when hit. He also can’t swim to save his life—literally. Roughly 70 percent of the deaths in LBA2 come from accidentally touching water and drowning instantly, and the other 30 percent from being trapped in a damage loop by even the weakest of enemies.

Most unusual is that all of Twinsen’s non-drowning-related abilities are split into four specific attitudes: Normal, Sporty, Aggressive, and Discreet. These days, we’d expect skills to be mapped to shortcut keys. Here, if you want to jump, you first need to switch to Sporty. About to start a fight? You can throw your magic ball in all the modes, and it handles differently in each, but you don’t get to throw punches if you’re not Aggressive. Be glad this idea died here.

A Hero’s Odyssey
 


There’s something wonderful about playing such a unique game. There are frustrating bits, such as struggling with the weak combat, but the adorable characters and goofy animations put a smile on your face almost from the start. It’s not really a comedy, but that doesn’t mean you won’t laugh at its absurdity on a regular basis. The undisputed highlight of the game comes from Twinsen’s first encounter with his nemesis, the evil Dark Monk, only to fire off the single most badass line in the history of gaming: “You suck big time, and I’m going to take you out, and I don’t mean for pizza!”

Even before that, it’s a game of memorable moments. My personal favorite is that after the aliens—called Esmers—land on the planet, their secret police try to keep a low profile by donning disguises, leading to cacti and garbage cans taking opportunistic pot-shots at you. There’s a secret you can only get by running into the women’s steam baths. Everywhere you look, there’s something cute, from getting the world’s most useless jetpack to seeing Twinsen’s sword-fi ghting technique. Also: Mecha-penguins! They explode, and you can buy them.

The only real downside, if you don’t have nostalgia on your side, is how long it takes to get to the good stuff. LBA started by throwing you onto a fortified island and stamping on your face until you learned the ropes. LBA2 is much more laid-back, to the point that it’ll likely take a couple of hours of play before anything much starts happening—and you spend those hours doing menial tasks, like healing a sick pet and running down an umbrella thief, instead of heroic deeds. But that’s fi ne. Sometimes you want high action. Other times, it’s enough to just sit back and let a work of art wash over you at its own pace. LBA2 will reward you if you do.

The launch of Guild Wars 2 had the energy of an election night. The candour of ArenaNet’s original tradition-defying mission statement gave way to a year of rising expectations, tempered by the trickle of information from the beta and the gloomy subscription forecasts battering its rivals. It was a relief when the game turned out to be something special.

Guild Wars 2 is a generous and thoughtful MMO. It supports a huge range of playstyles – from exploration and crafting to PvP, dungeoneering, and the pursuit of prestigious loot – by rewarding the player liberally for almost anything they choose to do. On the shorter end of the scale, its combat system injects satisfying mechanical complexity into the basic act of interacting with the world. The events system, while not fully supplanting traditional questing, creates life and variability where it was lacking before.

Reality, however, has turned out to be more complicated than that mission statement made it seem. Many players, unconcerned by the lack of a subscription fee, have bemoaned the absence of an ‘endgame’. Then when ArenaNet introduced mathematically superior Ascended equipment – a step that suggested a backslide into treadmill MMO design – the community suspected a bait and switch and responded accordingly.

What we’re seeing now is the revolutionary become a statesman. The average player trusts an MMO developer about as much as they trust a politician, and the onus is on ArenaNet to stay the course. If they can expand the game without betraying the principles that made it great, then its importance needn’t be confined to a summer of hope.

Read More: Our Guild Wars 2 review.

Runners Up: Planetside 2 and World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria.

Writing is as much about structure as conversation and character. This year Telltale's experimentation with the episodic format has finally worked. Their survival horror adventure game, The Walking Dead played to the strengths of its format beautifully, tearing its characters out of each situation just as they started to settle in. It's an apocalyptic road trip that delivers satisfying, self-contained two-to-three hour plot arcs, but always quietly builds to a grand finale that, for many, provided the emotional payoff of the year.

There are lot of layers to storytelling in an interactive medium, especially in an adventure game in which you spend most of your time talking to folk. Walking Dead's structure means it has more opportunity than most games to show off, but that also means plenty of opportunity to offend with a momentary lapse in sense, a sudden unexplained right turn in a character's motivations, or the sudden introduction of a cavernous plot hole.

There's a difference between a character behaving unpredictably, but within the range of plausible action, and a character stepping out of themselves entirely. It's a line Telltale walk finely with Lee's companions. Making friends and gaining their loyalty requires you to juggle their motivations and constantly assess their perceptions of you.

Then, just when you think you're in control, something explodes and you must choose which relationship is more valuable, sometimes at the behest of a ten second timer.

It's cruel, but that's what the Walking Dead does so well - the bait and switch. It offers you scraps of security, and replaces it with sudden, violent calamity. And into the chaos they thrust a young kid who needs a helping hand. It's traumatic, but quite brilliant.

A second season of The Walking Dead is expected next year. I can't wait.

Review by James Archer

When you score a kill in Call of Duty, you’re left with a single ragdoll and +100 XP. When you score a kill in Air Buccaneers, you’re left with a cataclysmic fireball, a crashing airship and the piercing screams of the men you’ve just sent plummeting to their ignoble deaths. I like the second one better.

Team-based Air Buccaneers is all about manning a slow, lumbering battle-balloon, but it manages to be a lot more tense, exciting and funny than that might sound. You crew your balloon in first-person, sprinting around the fuselage to fire cannons and line up shots.

Most ship-on-ship battles are surprisingly pacey, with crews racing to load and fire their cannons while cursing their captain – who’s trying to perform evasive manoeuvres with a ship the size of a cottage – for not keeping her steady. Every cannonball volley has to be adjusted for height and distance, and it’s this total non-reliance on freakish twitch skills that makes sinking an enemy vessel an immensely satisfying experience.



Having terrible aim isn’t an issue either, since all ship types bar the Kamikaze (a single-person hot air balloon, which causes a hilariously oversized explosion when rammed into a foe) offer a handful of different roles. Most sought-after is the helmsman, who pilots the ship while barking out orders, but who can also use an enchanted staff to support the gunners (by magically shortening their fuses) or to repair structural damage, in what appears to be some kind of shamanistic massage ritual. Everyone also gets tools to set up floating mines, shoot projectiles out of the air, and even grapple-hook onto other ships.

Even though each specialisation (Captain, Cannoneer, etc) has its own skill tree, you’re never forced to choose one and stick with it, so you’re free to play however you like. The skill trees aren’t very appealing, since each perk is balanced with a debuff (‘17% chance to commit suicide’ when using a cannon and other, equally stupid choices), but they’re entirely optional and seldom dictate the outcome of a duel. More importantly, that fact that everyone is largely dependent on everyone else in their balloon allows teamwork to occur organically, which often leads to a rapidly developed but deeply enjoyable sense of camaraderie.



Still, not every adventure with your creepily identical wingmen will be a good one. Melee combat is atrocious, using a single sword swing that feels about as swift and brutal as slapping a cloud with a cardboard tube. Which is a shame, because the moment when two ships collide – opposing boarding parties leaping the gap in a tangle of ropes and bodies – could have been a dramatic highlight rather than an awkward strafe-dance routine.

Making things worse is the autobalance system, because there isn’t one. Players can flick between the Vikings and Buccaneers at will, with the game never noticing that one team has at least double the manpower of the other. This sucks even if you’re on the winning side – there’s no glory in spending 10 minutes at an understaffed enemy’s base continuously flamethrowering empty ships. This, along with infrequent but irritating crashes and framerate drops, suggests it could have used a few extra weeks spent inflating the balloons.

But these are minor problems. Melee combat takes up only a tiny fraction of a match, and technical snags are still a rare occurence. Like its own war machines, Air Buccaneers is a little creaky in places, but certainly worth climbing on board.



Expect to pay: $20 / £12
Release: Out now
Developer: LudoCraft
Publisher: In-house
Multiplayer: Up to 32 players
Link: www.ludocraft.com/games/airbuccaneers

Ever wonder what the PC games of 2012 would be like if they were text adventures? Of course not, no one in their right mind would ever wonder that. In related news: I wondered that! So, rip out your GeForce GTX 680, plug in your dusty 10" CRT monitor, and stuff your programmable eight-button mouse in a stocking, because this week we're going to imagine five of this year's games the way all PC games used to be: as text adventures.

This year, the third installment of the Mass Effect trilogy gave us memorable characters, beautiful planetscapes, and a highly controversial ending, not to mention huge boobs on everyone from aliens to robots to humans to male humans. Take away the boobs (and the rest of the graphics) and what have you got? Mass Effect 3 : The Text Adventure!

The second Mine-Thon concluded at 11AM PST today, with the weekend-long event earning a total of $10,148 for Child's Play--more than double the amount raised last year. Like old-school telethons, the fundraiser, created by Ethan Smith in 2011, has a simple concept: Six brave volunteers play Minecraft for 72 hours straight and stream their adventures on the Internet to inspire donations. All proceeds, processed by PayPal, go straight to Child's Play, a game industry charity devoted to improving the lives of sick children.

Smith understands the needs of hospitalized children first-hand. When he was seven years old, he was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, a bacterial infection that can cause paralysis and vision loss. Smith recalls relying on his Game Boy Color to occupy his time in the hospital, helping him make a full recovery.

“Being stuck in a hospital is never fun--especially during the holidays--and that's why the Mine-Thon volunteers are committed to bring the holidays to the hospitals,” said Smith. “Child's Play Charity ensures that hospitalized children throughout the world won't go without this holiday season.”

Congratulations to the Mine-Thon volunteers and to everyone who donated. We sincerely hope Smith and crew can dream about something other than Minecraft over the next several hours.

Santa has dropped a pile of coal into Peter Griffin's stocking this year as word comes from 20th Century Fox that it is scuttling its browser-based game, Family Guy Online, on January 18, 2013. Billing itself as a "MMLOL" -- or massively-multiplayer, laugh-out-loud role-playing game -- Family Guy Online let you create an original character and take to the streets of the fictional city of Quahog, Rhode Island to interact with characters from the TV series and complete allegedly hilarious quests. It was launched earlier this year, but never moved past the beta stage. 20th Century Fox has not revealed the reason behind its decision to close the free-to-play game, but a lack of profit is surely at the top of the list.

All in all, it's been a bad month for Family Guy gaming. Recent release Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse, which we are pretty sure hates you, met with mostly negative reviews. But though series creator Seth MacFarlane -- and the voice behind characters Peter, Stewie, and Brian -- has publicly stated that he's personally ready for the show to end, he's also admitted that Family Guy still has another four or five years of life left in it.

Given that we can surely expect more Family Guy tie-in games over the next few years, what kind of game would you like to see?

Christmas. Christmas never changes. Every day this week though, Fallout: New Vegas gets into the spirit of the season as a selection of mods make wishes come true... for better or worse. This silent night though, a woman called Cassidy just stares into another empty glass, killing time in Goodsprings' Prospector Saloon and waiting for a certain someone to finish walking a Lonesome Road.



'Twas the night before Christmas, and all over the Mojave
Not a... um... larvae? Harvey? Sod it, never mind...




So there I was, pretending to be in the middle of an anecdote, when this stranger walked into my bar. Did me a solid or two. Didn't even try to sell me to cannibals that one time. Can't say fairer, so we've been partners ever since.



Sorry, was you talkin' to me there?



Then he just runs off, for the fourth time. Sorry, Cass, he says, you wait here, some guy called Ulysses wants to see me alone-like, and it'd be rude to bring company. Some Christmas, right, sitting drinking alone like I got nothing better to do.



Girl, enough. This here's my saloon, not your Bar Humbug.



Only Christmas sprit I'm looking for this year goes in a glass, Trudy. Pint glass for preference. Keep it coming 'til I could strum myself off to a photo of Caesar.



That's 'Caesar'.



Whatever.






Oh, if it isn't the man with the lobotomy scars coverin' up the bullet marks behind his brain. Can't say as I noticed you gone, save for no-one tellin' me what to do with my stimpacks or leaning in close for a while.



Who's this guy?



Pardner, I reckon you can just call me The Man With No Name.



Oh, that's not what I've been calling you these last few drinks, Courier. Trudy, pour him two fingers of whatever you've got left back there. Figure I about bought this saloon tonight already, may as well go for the furniture and all.



Much obliged there, little lady.



Be glad I'm drunk enough not to know which of you I can punch without a sore ass from hitting the floor. So anyways, find your mysterious fella rocking the epic hate-on? What did he end up wanting anyway?



I dunno. About five hundred corks to plug up the bulletholes, I'm guessin. That varmint had himself skin like his daddy was a deathclaw and his momma a radscorpion. Still, I reckon we both got what we was looking for.





Courier, have you heard that old world saying, 'do not shoot the messenger?'



'Course.



I HAVE NOT!





Actually, now's I think, he probably expected more out of it, or he wasted himself a heck of a lot of time setting up his plans. And me, I just realised I had no real reason to play his game from the start. New stuff I got from it looks dumb too.



Well, great. I'm good too, since you're asking. So, where next, now you're all done with that business? We going to go deal with that House guy? Maybe give the Legion what for, or go questing for the NCR's spine in some cave?



Later, Cass. Reckon we take the Christmas off, enjoy some time with our loved ones, enjoy the holiday and all that. Saving the world can wait a few days.



Loved ones. Yeah, right. Never knew my Dad, Mom was a tribal, died when I was a kid, and last I checked you're not exactly Mr. Social, Mr. One Friend At A Time. Think a thousand turkeys out of my ass will be enough?





WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



What the shit?!



Rose of Sharon Cassidy! I have been sent to help you learn the true meaning of Christmas! You will be visited by three ghouls of past, present and future, who will humorously show you the error of your cynical ways and-



Do we know you? You look as familiar as this sounds.



Oh, I do apologise. My name is Marley. You may have heard of me.



Jacobstown Marley?



He's my cousin. I'm from Nipton. Or was, before... you know.



Oh. Seems like a missed opportunity, that.



Yeah, well, what are you going to do?



For starters, this.





Great. More mess to clean up.



Oh, stow it. You've had two hundred years and still not done anything about the broken mirror in the bathroom. Don't pretend to be Little Miss Houseproud now.



The heightened perception of this very nice hat on my head suggests you're upset about something. Was it something this guy said?



Huh?



I just don't like Christmas, okay? If there was ever a Santa giving people what they wanted, he got nuked or stopped checking the mail centuries ago. Tomorrow's just another radioactive day like any other, and that's all there is to it.



You never know. Maybe this year will be different...



Please, there's only one impossible delivery boy round here, and he don't wear red. Gah. Calling it a night already. Anyone needs me, I'll be on a floor somewhere between here and Victor's place, or giving Easy Pete a run for his title.



Merry Christmas anyways, Cass. Santa asks, some of them sherries and mince pies was from you. Old soda and a squirrel on a stick anyway. Reckon we're okay swapping traditions up some, now everything's bout gone to poop.





"Merry Christmas, Cass," indeed. Not enough moonshine in the wastes.



...



Guess though... guess it wouldn't be so bad, that lobotomised optimism there being true. Like, just for a bit, the world waking up and there being snow everywhere, and presents under trees, and everyone just...





Yeah, right, Cassidy. As if.


Today's Mods: Frozen World, Placeable Christmas Trees

I’m in The House of Chthon, the narrowest and most lava-filled level in Quake. It’s a one-on-one deathmatch, and my opponent—Frost—is trying to rocket-jump up to my position on the second level. I spam grenades, leaving a trail of bombs to slow his pursuit as I backpedal. A quad damage power-up appears at the far end of the map, on an island in the middle of the lava. It’s the ultimate worm-on-a-hook—he abandons his rocket-jumps and beelines it for the quad. But I stay put. I switch to my rocket launcher and pop a missile at the floating quad icon seconds before he gets there. As soon as he reaches the island, my rocket smacks his feet, careening his body into the liquid fire—instant death.

Text pops up on the screen: “Frost turned into hot slag.” These customized phrases mock you after every death. Earlier, when I backed up onto my own grenade, I read: “Havoc tried to put the pin back in.”

Level-headed
 


Quake plays as a standard, early-'90s FPS: collect keys, kill everything that moves, scour for health packs and advance to the next stage; but its level design still shines in 2011. It might've been corner-cutting on id’s part, but the fact that every single-player stage is also a multiplayer map generates some thrilling layouts.

The first single-player level, Slipgate Complex, emphasizes vertical maneuvering and multiple escape routes; you can also find every weapon in the game (except the Lightning Gun) somewhere on it. And the Gothic castle motif means plenty of high ledges and nooks to rain down death from above.

Rocket-jumping existed before Quake—Doom technically had it—but this game was the first that begged players to exploit it. Blasting your way up the columns across the Slipgate courtyard and tossing down a hail of rockets onto unsuspecting foes is euphoria. It’s equally entertaining watching other players attempt the same thing only to detonate them-selves half-way up the columns with a poorly timed rocket.

I load up the map with a friend online. After routinely abusing the column trick, my opponent intercepts me with the business end of his Super Nail Gun (which shoots literal Nine Inch Nails ammo). I respawn, dodging and flailing my way to the Pentagram of Protection power-up. I pluck it from the rafters, but temporary invulnerability isn’t enough. I want to humiliate my enemy. So I sprint to a wall across the hallway and blast it, opening a secret door to the quad damage. The other guy hears the door noises and comes to trap me, not real-izing I’m quadruple-powerful and invin-cible. As his ‘nades explode harmlessly around me, I brandish my axe—swinging quadruple pain into him with each chop as he gets stuck in a corner trying to flee.

Singled out
 


I go back to House of Chthon in single-player. There’s now a molten monster (Chthon himself) bathing in the lava, lobbing globs of heat at me. Emptying 40 rockets into his face (where a face should be, at least) does nothing. I die four times before trying another approach. I hop to the top level and trip a few switches. Two pillars descend into Chthon’s pool, but they don’t do anything. I eat one of Chthon’s magma grenades and get knocked into the lava, but I spot another button as I die.

I restart, lower the columns again and jump over to that third button and activate it. Volts surge through the pillars, zapping the lava demon dead.

Quake is punishing—there’s no tool-tips or dynamic balancing to make boss fights a breeze. I load a secret level after microwaving Chthon—Ziggurat Vertigo. Trent Reznor’s grunge-electric soundtrack grinds in the background. I ride an elevator and press a few runes, hoping that they’ll open a door to a Ring of Shadows. Nope—it’s a trap. Something resembling a blood-drenched Yeti materializes and decimates me from behind with heat-seeking lightning bolts. The death-text reads: “Havoc was smashed by a Shambler.” I reload my game only to realize I saved right after the Shambler appeared. Oh god.

Each time I reload, he wallops me, over and over. Quake is old-school tough, and there’re no autosaves or checkpoints—if you botch a save, your only option is to start the entire level over. It’s cruel, but the accomplishment you feel in pushing past a level feels so much more significant than, say, BioShock’s no-consequence Vita-Chambers.

Fix it till it’s broke
 


Then again, lack of difficulty isn’t why Quake’s modern versions (Quake 4/Enemy Territory) never caught on. These sequels introduced things that didn’t make sense in Quake’s fiction—vehicular combat, little encouragement of player-acrobatics, generic “random alien planet” level designs and the removal of secret areas.

Quake is better off for being created in a time where that stuff wasn’t possible. Instead, you simply discover the best weapons, rocket-jump and bunny hop through vast castles, seek out the hidden power-ups and go bonkers spraying rockets from the hip.

On the next page: More Quake screenshots from our archive