The Valve shudders as gears lock into position, a thin jet of Steam erupts from the machine, scalding a penguin’s bum. My latest collection of poetry inspired by climate change, the guffaw-inducingly titled Global Warning>, is out in February. In other news, Valve have made the Steam For Linux beta available for everyone. Development news is found on the community site and the beta now supports 39 games, listed here. Even though I don’t use Linux myself, I have now decided that I’m giving it to everyone for Christmas.

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Kickstarter isn’t a kind place. Well, OK, aside from the whole “free money from the absurd generosity of people’s hearts” thing, I mean. But these days, if you don’t understand how to work the machine, it’ll chew you up and spit you right back out – probably with even fewer pennies to your name than when you first started. Even game design legends aren’t safe, as evidenced by high-profile failures like Old-School RPG and Dizzy Returns, and Peter Molyneux’s Project GODUS certainly looked like it could go either way. For better or worse, though, the Kickstarter deities have officially accepted fans’ offering, and GODUS will now get its wings.

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If you have a perfectly pristine photographic memory for Adam’s posts – and honestly, who doesn’t? – you’ll remember that he recently came across the first episode in EA’s Albert-Hughes-directed “Seven Wonders” Crysis 3 series. He also said these things, “I think I’m supposed to care about the story here, but is it really anything more than an excuse to cram opposing forces into an interesting place so they can shoot each other? Nothing wrong with that but I’d prefer to see more of the weighty in-engine conflict and less of the build-up.” Frankly, I share that sentiment, and apparently, so does Albert Hughes. Episode 2, you see, is all action. OK, and there’s some cheesy narration, but you can ignore that.

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What is a man? A miserable little pile of self-destructing blocks, if Polyform’s Apparatus is to be believed. I did not, however, decide to post about Apparatus only for the chance to make an out-of-place Castlevania reference – even though that sounds like something I would totally do. It’s actually quite an interesting little project in its own right. The basic idea is that your character can deconstruct his/her/its cubular conglomerate of a body at any given moment, literally falling into a heap on the hardwood floor. Other powers take further advantage of this malleability – for instance, morphing into a brick or, um, exploding. Slip through the break’s conveniently shaped cracks for a video and some quick hands-on impressions.

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Oh boy. Remember how things haven’t been going so hot for THQ lately? If you’ve somehow forgotten, do you remember your name or any key facts about yourself? Have you hit your head or recently traveled forward to this time period? Are you an amnesiac, infant, or ghost? AT ANY RATE, we’ve finally reached the expected conclusion of this rather depressing series of events, but – as ever – there’s a twist. In spite of how the word “bankrupt” – which is derived from the root “bank account ruptured and screamed in agony as warm monetary lifeblood erupted from its depleted tubules” – often connotates, THQ isn’t doomed yet. Instead, it’s merely employed some tricksy business maneuvers to dodge an avalanche of debt. For now, though, your favorite game series are safe.

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June 2003: a remote jungle clearing outside Moshi, Tanzania. I am seventeen. It is sometime after midnight. >

My skin is sticky with pesticide and sweat. In the treacle dark, my friend Rachael’s face presses hot against my shoulder. The hiss of the jungle soars into the sky in a cacophonous, unbearable symphony.

I need to pee. (more…)

“Are you aware of shameless BTDT-rip off Randal’s Monday?” asked Size Five Games’ Dan Marshall. “Promising trailer, looks gorgeous. Deserves some RPS love.” He’s not wrong. While my brain still requires an adjustment period whenever a point and click adventure features text instead of voices, as soon as it’s flipped the switch it’s hard to find a happier place for John’s brain, and this trailer takes me there.

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For the fourth game of Boardgamemas, my true love gave to me FOUR COUPING BIRDS.

So that’s us up to Four Couping Birds, Three Roman Gladiators, Two Traity Dopes and an X-Wing in a Pear Tree. This is getting very UNWIELDY and CONFUSING.

So what exactly are these Couping Birds? Well, it’s a little pocket rocket of a game called COUP. It’s a smash hit with everyone I’ve played with.

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Crikey – Kotaku have just reported that The War Z has just been removed from Steam. There was word earlier today that Valve were looking into forum moderation issues regarding the game, but people were hopeful they’d dig somewhat deeper into the real issues that had been raised, regarding the apparent false advertising of features on its store page. Those have been changed since, but for whatever reason the game is now not available to purchase. It is listed instead as “Uninitialized”. If you already own it, however, your Steam copy will still run.

We’ve just received a statement from Valve about the game, explaining that it’s been removed because they consider it was issued prematurely, and they’re offering refunds to unhappy customers. You can read the statement below.

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It’s been a while since we last reviewed a Woodcutter Simulator game. Mr Stone found it disappointing, and couldn’t see the wood for the trees, saying things like “Woodcutter Simulator can do weirdness, but not the good organic kind.” Perhaps this can be changed in 2013, then, as the latest iteration of this lumberjacked offering arrives to boast “a raft of new features including challenging missions, a day and night cycle, realistic weather effects as well as new forest areas.” No word on weirdness, organic or otherwise. For some reason publishers see fit to leave that out of their game information. Hm.

Trailer below. (more…)