The city shown above demonstrates the grid-induced OCD that a detailed city building sim can inspire in even the messiest soul. If I put down a cup of coffee I'm much more likely to hit some crumpled piece of desk detritus than a empty, tidy, bit of space. And yet, exposed to an empty patch of grass and a means to plant buildings down and a certain ruthlessness emerges. A fence I find accidentally askew triggers a strange anger. That is NOT RIGHT. Time to BURN IT DOWN and do it again.

Fortunately, we'll have natural disasters to do that for us when the new SimCity arrives next February. The new trailer shows a few different disasters doing there thing, including a meteor shower and an old fashioned earthquake. But which is your favourite?

The life of a pirate is supposed to be a thrilling one. Non-stop debauchery, murder and plunder, topped off with a bout of syphilis, and an inglorious death as your body is hurled into a canal. By contrast, you spend most of your time in pirate sims shifting corn and tobacco, haggling with merchants for a 10% reduction in the cost of yarn. That can be fascinating in its own right, of course, but sometimes you just want to load up a ship with cannonballs and blast another vessel to smithereens. Enter Windward, a team-based multiplayer action game that's just washed up on Desura.

Windward is a game of fast-paced naval combat, much like the old Psygnosis title Overboard! It's less about the price of gunpowder and more about its application, as you upgrade your vessel, discover randomly generated booty, and attempt to send the other team to Davey Jones' locker, which he's stupidly left at the bottom of the sea. While the game is available on Desura for £6.99, or 970 pieces of eight, there's also a limited free version on the official site, so you can see whether Windward floats your boat.

In honour of the Desura release, Tasharen are giving away a bunch of free game keys to players who submit their favourite Windward moments so far. Obviously that will involve playing the free version first, with "bonus points for telling it as a story from your captain's perspective." Either that or you can plunder the following video for inspiration.

Veteran concept artist and art director Peter Konig has done a lot of work for Valve over the past few years. His resume lists work on Dota 2, Portal 2 and Left 4 Dead 2. According to a photograph of a wall of concept art in Valve's offices that appeared earlier this year, he has also been drawing spaceships for them.

Several of those wall images match artwork in Peter Konig's online portfolio, sparking speculation on Facepunch that Valve have worked on, or are working on, something set in space. All hands on deck, man the rumour cannon.

The Facepunch post picked up by Kotaku references an unspecified inside source claiming that Valve are making an open, privateer-esque space adventure called Stars of Barathrum. There's no supporting evidence, though, so you could find a salt planet, mine it dry and still lack the salt with which to take that rumour. Still, it's easy to imagine some of the other space scenes featured on Konig's portfolio page being part of the same project, and they look gorgeous.

Here are some of the pieces that were spotted on the walls of Valve's offices, taken from Konig's image pages.







And here are a few more spacey shots from Konig's site.

A big Halloween update is due to hit Tyria on October 22, initiating "an epic adventure in four acts" that will culminate on the eve of October 31. That's according to a new page on the Guild Wars 2 site teasing a new dynamic events, jumping puzzles mini dungeons and achievements for many areas. We can look forward to/tremble in fear at the prospect of the return of Mad King Thorn. He's had plenty of practice terrifying citizens in Guild Wars 1.

It looks as though this will be a free update for those who own the game, but there will be special costumes and items available to buy in the Black Lion in-game shop. The update also launches paid PvP tourneys. These will reward players with better loot for participating, but require tickets to enter. They can be won through free tournaments or bought with real money in the gem store.

Judging from the sumptuous concept art heading up the Halloween page, we can look forward a transformed Tyria over the next few weeks. Click on the images below to get a closer look.

Late last week, Chris posted a video showcasing three silly ways to play Dishonored. Some of you have told us that you'd like to see a video diary series based on one of these approaches, and we agree! We're not sure which one to do, though, so we figured we'd put the question to you directly.



Let us know which one you like the best and tomorrow we'll embark on a journey through the whole game, either using no magic, leaving no trace, or swordfighting every single person in our way. You can vote for your favourite on our Facebook page, or just let us know in the comments. We'll pick a winner at noon GMT tomorrow.

Gamers who participated in an Electronic Arts survey at the weekend were rewarded with a $20 Origin discount code. Or so EA presumably thought. Poor EA. In fact, the code worked for everyone, not just those who took part in the survey, and could be used to chug down an unlimited number of $20 games, all for free - a fact which was quickly publicised on Reddit and Overclockers.

Although the code only allowed one download per account, Redditors realised they could get two by using the code on both the website and within the Origin application. Then they realised they could get as many as they liked by deleting their cookies and trying again.

Not all games were up for grabs - it wouldn't work for Star Wars: The Old Republic, games released within a month of purchase and Valve games. Nonetheless, persistent users managed to snag an impressive haul.

Initially, an Origin helpdesk representative said that although anyone could use the code without being banned, the number of games downloaded per user might be audited and gluttonous gamers punished as a result. But since then, an Origin community manager has stated that EA will honour all the purchases made using this code, prior to the loophole being closed. Hooray! Christmas comes early.

So, did anyone here bag some swag? Let's hear what loot you got.

Oh sure, they look cute snoozing away at the foot of the bed, but that's when your cat's sociopathic fantasies play out. If you don't think that cats dream about lasering cities to death then you've been duped. Catzilla is a real-time tech demo from the creators of strange exploration game, Datura. When it's released you'll be able to download it to test your PC's power, but I'm more interested in what the girl's going to do with that giant electric cat pill. Brace yourself for oddness.

There's going to be a Catzilla beta, which you can sign up for on the Catzilla site. It's being produced in collaboration with Polish post production company, Plastige, who worked on that Witcher 2 Enhanced Edition intro video (the one with the big bald dude ice-bombing a boat).

Datura creators, Plastic Demo specialised in demo productions before this year's foray into downloadable games. The lively demoscene has a long history of turning out videos and programs that celebrate technical ability and artistry. I don't have the know-how to appreciate the engine-warping feats that allow demo crafters to produce their work, but I love their abstract audiovisual strangeness. Check out the Scene.org award winners and nominees for a collection of some stand-out examples.

Here's Catzilla. Below Catzilla you'll find Scene.org award nominee We Crave Sustenance, because it's awesome. Thanks to Joystiq for the heads up.

My favourite XCOM cutscene is the one that triggers the first time you shoot down a UFO. The camera switches to the control room where your officers jump up from their banks of computers and whoop in a display of joy fondly known as the "NASA Clap." I reckon NASA have been hamming up their control room applause ever since Apollo 13 hit cinemas in 1995 but that scene is still imprinted on our collective consciousness, and now you can enjoy that imprint in XCOM at shiny 1080p resolutions thanks to the patch that landed this weekend.

The update also contains a few fixes according to the Steam patch notes. The sniper's "squad sight" ability that lets him pick targets based on allied sight lines has been optimised, apparently. Which might make that a much more appealing skill tree pick. There's good news too for XCOM's robots. "SHIVs that are damaged will no longer become unusable."

There is a bug in XCOM that afflicts dying soldiers with sudden baldness. It's as though their hair has been shot off, which in the case of the retro XCOM haircut, is no bad thing. It doesn't look like that has been resolved but a bug in which haircuts penetrate dense fog. This is essential stuff, Commander. We must maintain optimal fashion levels in the face of the poorly coiffeured alien menace.

• Various visibility/hiding optimizations
• Multiplayer text chat support (J to activate)
• Mouse 4/5 will switch soldiers in the Barracks
• ESC hides the movement grid if you do not want to commit to a move while it is activated
• Squad Sight ability optimization
• Fixed issue when equipping two grenades with Deep Pockets.
• Fixed Rapid Fire sometimes consuming too much ammo.
• SHIVs that are damaged will no longer become unusable.
• Fixed some hangs/soft crashes in tactical combat.
• Replaced software cursor with the operating system cursor to reduce lag and framerate dependence.
• Fixed rendering bug which causes some soldier’s hair to appear as if it is rendering on top of environment fog.
• 1080p movies are now used at all times on the PC.

We sent Dota 2 fan and heroic PCG freelancer Quintin Smith on a mission: to become an eSports commentator in three weeks with no prior experience whatsoever. This Sunday, his struggle begins...

Exactly 100 years ago in 1912, an experimental radio station at the University of Minnesota began transmitting tinny, warbling accounts of the school's American football games. This was the world's first ever sports broadcast. I want you to suck on that not unromantic number like an orange wedge, and ask yourself this: Have you considered making a living as an eSports commentator?

In this introductory article, you'll find three things after the jump. Why you'd want to be a caster, how you'd go about doing it, and why it's a craft. Specifically, you'll learn why it's a craft because we've got a half hour video of me attempting eSport commentary for the first time. We'll move on to tips from the pros in pt. 2, but for now? It's the weekend! Sit back, relax and listen to me suffer.



To clarify, yes, today you can make a living from simply talking over other popular competitive games such as Starcraft 2, Dota 2, League of Legends or even Street Fighter. Dota 2 caster Purge meticulously outlines the ladder you'll be climbing in this video, a process that's equal parts simple and intimidating.

Specifically, it's as simple as taking a popular game you know back to front, then building up a YouTube channel to the point where you can make money from adverts, coaching and appearances on specialist websites.

Oh, yeah. You'll also have to be good.

But if you are good? There's a position for you. To parrot a point made by Purge, the eSports commentary scene absolutely has not reached saturation yet. There's a real demand for people who can deliver charismatic commentary, so if you're good, or even just different from what people are used to, there's a place for you. This could be your job.



Best of all, if you can make a living now, imagine where you might be in the future. The most heartening slip of information about the rampant growth of eSports comes not from Major League Gaming's 2011 report, in which they show their 225% growth from 2010 or the fact that almost as many 18-24 year old males watched Major League Gaming in 2011 than MTV and Comedy Central combined. What makes me most excited is this quote from legendary eSports caster and producer djWHEAT:

“I’ve been doing this since 1999, seen 'magical' years in the past, whether it was prize purses or gaming on TV... when in reality it was just another stepping stone on the long journey to success.” In other words, don't look at how big eSports are this year. Imagine the scene in 5, 10, 15 years time.

So, if all it takes is to be good... how hard is it to get good?

And so it was that I fired up Fraps, randomly pulled up a high-level replay of Dota 2, and found out.



What follows is a commentary on my commentary.


01:11 – I waste no time in panickedly resorting to the only casting trick I know. Fill dead air by confidently describing what's in front of you. I do this like it's going out of style. I am the Michael Phelps of describing what's in front of me. What's next?

01:27 – ...and it's gone wrong. What you can hear here is genuine surprise in my voice that the teams are attacking each other.

01:36 - “That's all actually entirely fine.” I have no idea what possessed me to keep going at this point. With my commentary or, indeed, my life.

03:42 – Yep.

03:55 – Yep.

04:06 – I realise I've been so busy talking that I have no idea what's going on in the match. Here, the penny drops.

The challenge of commentary is splitting your brain. Half of you has to be watching the match, absorbing and comprehending each team's position, while the other half of your brain describes it. Counterintuitively, describing what's happening in the match doesn't help you to absorb it. It makes it harder.

Excellently, upon having this realisation I start trying to describe it to you guys. This leaves me trying to split my brain three ways. I'm watching the match, describing it, and whinging about how hard it is to do both. Please enjoy the 10 seconds it takes for me to realise that this will be the death of me.

04:40 – In the throes of my shocking performance, I earnestly start believing eSports commentary is actually harder than sports commentary. Clearly I'm forgetting Ty Tyson, America's first well-known sports commentator.

Ty worked in a time when communication networks weren't anywhere near as commonplace. He'd routinely be called to perform radio commentary of a match that he wasn't actually at, but pretended he was as he received minute-by-minute telegraph reports. This was a man capable of talking as if he was at a match from somebody else's notes.

13:20 – I close I brief segment in which I sounded professional by gurgling like a plughole full of beans. Keep on rockin', Quinns.

14:14 – Observe my smooth segue from burbling nonsensically to opening up the graph and sounding important. With only 15 minutes of practice, I'm definitely getting better at this.

14:40 – My “describe what's in front of you” tactic actually has me sounding like a commentator! I AM getting better at this!

15:50 – My “describe what's in front of you” tactic hits a wall as I realise I have no idea what's in front of me. I'm not getting any better at this.

16:20 – You know what? The only difference between the professionals and me is that they point things out 4 seconds before they happen, and I point them out 4 seconds after they happen. That's not a big deal. That's just latency.

20:15 – I mistake an entire team for the other team.

20:17 – I realise I was wrong and that I am in fact looking at the team I initially thought I was. I am too embarrassed to correct myself. This is my nadir, I suspect.

21:12 - “I take a bad!”

22:12 – After some thirty second of trying to remember if it's a phrase that actually exists, I decide to say “four sheets to the wind” anyway. It does exist! That's me. Rollin' the dice. Devil may care. Mostly stupid.

25:49 – Turns out there's no graceful way to step down from ill-timed shouting.

26:19 – Fatigue is setting in now. My mouth feels like an inside-out tennis ball and my brain seems to be coated in sherbet. I am no longer thinking about what I am saying. I am a machine, but not a good one. I am an oven that somebody's accidentally left on.

26:26 - “He's got three sand kings, now,” I state, confidently, knowing I'll have a punchline by the end of this sentence.

26:34 – I have no punchline.

31:06 – I sound surprised when something I predicted actually comes true, skillfully negating any possible kudos with my own shock.

31:21 – Commentator juice.

35:06 – My addled brain is circling the word for “Ancient” like a startled bird. I think I've referred to it as the Aegis and the Immortal so far. Third time's the charm?

35:25 – I end with not wise words, not a conclusion, but a joke stolen from Community. I am the worst. I am human hammer toe.


And we're done.

An utter disaster. But you know what? I just cast my first ever match. I just took my first step on the ladder that only ever goes up.

I'm still going to need professional help, clearly. Come back next week for a selection of the best help those professionals could offer.

Since its launch, Valve's Source Filmmaker has helped budding directors create literally hundreds of movies - some good, some bad, most.... incredibly goofy. The Team Fortress 2 cast especially has sung seemingly every song, played out every meme and worn every hat and every expression - sometimes at once! But what are the ten best creations? We've scoured YouTube in search of the funniest, the most dramatic, and the just plain prettiest Source Filmmaker movies.

Scout vs. Witch



Easily one of the best directed SFM movies out there, mixing Team Fortress, Left 4 Dead and a fine sense of timing. Scout (no relation to Scout) is one of the more popular TF2 mercs, with his cockiness the perfect antidote to all that zombie misery. At least, while the moment lasts.

Just One More Hat



And he's back, in this fashion-conscious spin on one of Disney's most parodied songs. More worksafe than Dirty Little Mermaid, more morally conscious than Slaughter Your World, it also wins bonus points for having an original TF2 version of a song instead of just looping in a more general one.

Meet The Family



Mostly made (naughty naughty) with the leaked SFM, this was one of the first epic projects to be finished and still one of the best. Scout and Spy team up as literal brothers in blood to kick off a perfectly choreographed race for that all-important Intelligence. Guest starring music from The Incredibles to add pace and more than a little style. No "da-da-da" sting at the end though.

Adventures Of The F2P Engineer



He's smart enough to whip up teleporters and sentries on the battlefield... but he didn't pay for the privilege, so he's probably doing it with his flies open and his shoes undone. When he's having this much fun though, can you really begrudge him? The answer is yes. Even if you're on the other team, sometimes it just gets... sad. Luckily, there are other engineers on hand, like...

Practical Problems



An epic war between two professionals who know what they're doing, but don't know when to quit. A little parable about the importance of good manners, respect, and most importantly, not ****ing with another man's sandvich. A true Lesson For The Ages, with some fine music right alongside.



Meet The Soldier (Directed By Michael Bay)



We're firmly back in parody territory for this one; a relatively straight replay of Meet The Soldier, but with rather more boom and a surprising (though not unwelcome) lack of Alyx, Zoey, Rochelle or Chell forcibly being draped over a motorbike or anything at any point to complete the picture of one of cinema's most successful nostalgia murderers. Love or hate it, it's better than Transformers 2 any day.

The First Wave



It's not just a game mode... it's war! Mann vs. Machine gets dramatic in this epic four minutes of the mercs facing their durable doubles for the first time. Bonus points for a return of the disembodied Blue Spy, and a death scene with the power to spawn a thousand bits of erotic TF2 fan-fiction. Which exist. You'd better believe they exist. You have been warned.

DOTA Hero Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise



Not so much a 'parody' of the Potter Puppet Pals original as a straight copy with DOTA characters in it, this is still one of the more accomplished movies to come from that game. We just need another eighty or so instalments to cover the other characters, and I see no reason new players shouldn't have enough data to compete at professional level/troll like champions.

Heavy Doo, Where Are You?



I never understood "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?" as a show title. Admittedly my memory is a little fuzzy about the actual cartoons, but I definitely remember Fred, Daphne and Velma doing most of the mystery-solving gruntwork, with Scooby's role being to blunder into helpful things. If you called him, you'd prevent him from doing that. The song makes no sense, is what I'm saying. This movie is more reasonable. If you had to fight Old Man Peterson, having a Gatling wielding Russian psychopath on hand definitely beats anything Scrappy Doo could serve up. Admittedly, so would a crouton.

After Aperture



Chell's life after Aperture isn't exactly unexplored territory, but this Exile Vilify backed slice is one of the more interestingly melancholic SFM movies so far. A little clunky in terms of animation, largely due to the poor Chell rig (at least one other movie opted to reskin Zoey instead of using it), but it makes up for it with a different kind of atmosphere to most and that lovely outdoor setting.

Those are our picks, but there are many more SFM movies out there. Have any particularly caught your attention, impressed you, or just made you laugh? Share their names below...