For more sick and twisted video game comedy, follow the link to Dorkly.com.
What most restaurants label a BBQ hamburger is generally a normal hamburger with some sort of barbecue sauce added, maybe some crispy onion straws. Hardee's (or Carl's Jr. on the west coast) breaks from this formula with the Memphis BBQ Thickburger, a black angus burger with barbecue sauce, crispy fried onion straws and actual BBQ pork.
This was an incredibly bad idea.
In the interest of full disclosure, I must mention that Hardee's and I have not always been on the best of terms. There was a time I would go out of my way to visit the nation's fifth most popular fast food chain. Back in 2006 the company had a location right down the street from my work. Sometimes I would eat there twice a day.
Then came the day the water got turned off. After I recovered from feeling horribly ill the entire week following that unfortunate incident, I found myself with the sudden urge to avoid Hardee's at all cost. I missed my beloved Polish sausage biscuit, but the free coupons sent to me from corporate went unredeemed. It wasn't until last year that I finally returned to the realm of the yellow star, and only then sparingly.
Nonetheless, when the PR email (yes, I get food PR emails now) announcing the Memphis BBQ Thickburger came through, I couldn't help but be intrigued. Why had I not tried the combination of BBQ pork and hamburger before? Why wasn't something like this on every menu in every restaurant in the southeastern United States? Why does Hardee's still use the label "Thickburger" when it's been scientifically proven that those are two words do not sound appetizing smashed together?
I have questions. Fortunately I also have answers, but first, I have images.
The official image for the Memphis BBQ Thickburger does not look at all unappetizing, though that's often the case with professional product shots. Strip away the photo studio and place this monster in the hands of a food service worker, and you get this:
This was not the fault of the food worker in question; he only had so much to work with. The obvious answer to the problem of food appearance — placing a photo studio in every Hardee's location — would open up hundreds of jobs across the country and I think it's a brilliant idea with no downsides that should be implemented immediately.
Until that beautiful day, this is what we get. More specifically...
Be sure to zoom in on that pic, I'm quite proud.
Being a professional snackologist, I look at that last picture and think "Sure, why the hell not?" Others might be more inclined to flee, or throw up a little in their mouth. I can understand that. The image, however, is completely necessary to explaining why the Memphis BBQ Thickburger fails.
Let's break it down. We've got the bun, which is perfectly fine, soft and delicious. Crispy onion straws should be placed on and in everything, so they win. The cheese is nothing to write home about, but then if I really wanted spectacular cheese I would have that and that alone. The barbecue sauce is sweet and tangy with a hint of smoke, the sort of sauce I look for at a standalone BBQ joint. The pork is soft and tender. The black angus beef is savory and just a tad juicy.
These components combine to create a flavor that's actually rather pleasant, but as I often say, sometimes to myself over and over again while staring in the mirror and crying, flavor isn't everything. It's texture that kills the Memphis BBQ Thickburger.
A hamburger, especially a fast food hamburger, is a solid thing. Not rigid and unforgiving, but one certainly doesn't expect it to give up massive chunks to your teeth without putting up a little fight. This firmness is reassuring. It lets us know that we are eating something that's been cooked to the point where any microscopic thing that might have been living in it is now dead.
BBQ pork has an almost creamy texture. The meat has been cooked to melt-in-your-mouth perfection and then combined with a thick, rich sauce. It's almost — and I apologize for this statement beforehand — a meat pudding.
When I bite into a hamburger and my teeth come to something both meaty and soft, what's the first thought that comes to my mind? "Raw hamburger". It's not raw at all, of course, but those two textures together suggest uncooked meat, which is not something you want to be thinking about when eating something from a restaurant that once served you food without running water on the premises.
Hardee's seems to think this is a fabulous combination, so much so that they created a commercial for the sandwich featuring a pair of "hot" women getting so excited about a BBQ pork hamburger they nearly have sex with it. It's just as unappetizing as the Memphis BBQ Thickburger itself.
Incidentally I was offered the opportunity to potentially interview one of the women in the commercial, but declined due to the sheer absurdity of it all. Besides, what would I ask her? "So, did you ever find that self-respect?" And then I'd feel horrible, because in the course of writing this review I ate not one, but two of these beasts, and I did so without having them fed to me by an attractive woman.
Ever since we learned that there's a multiplayer, source-engine take on the Slenderman game in the works, I've been hoping see more of the game in action.
This video, which was shared on the Slender: Source Steam Greenlight page, gives a first look at the Slenderman in the game, as well as a hint of the effects that will happen when he closes in.
Before you jump into the comments to say "Yawn, that isn't that scary," remember that it's very early footage, and not really indicative of how the game will work (context is everything in games like this). And also remember: Slendy looked goofy as hell in the first Slenderman game and that game was still darned terrifying.
For more on Slender: Source, check out their Steam Greenlight Page.
If you haven't played Super Hexagon yet you need to put everything down immediately and do so. Your boss, teacher, and/or parents will understand. Unless you're a brain surgeon. Please don't put that scalpel down. It can wait.
Super Hexagon—the latest game from the creator of the super-hard VVVVVV that you can find in the iTunes store linked above (or its flash predecessor here)—has been the subject of the past weekend's many conversations in my circle of video game industry friends and colleagues. And for good reason.
The weekend fame is partially to do with how simple and yet mind-bogglingly hard the action-puzzle game is at the same time. The game only asks you to survive against an onslaught of obstacles. Don't hit them. Simple enough. Actually executing that is anything but simple.
It's addictive, too. And while it might be hard to wrap your head around initially, you can tell from your first few failures that it's just a matter of time and practice before you start getting a good handle on it.
So let's skip those first few head-scratchers and get right to the heart of how the game works, complete with tips that should be obvious, but are obscured by the electronicy music and convulsing color changes.
Super Hexagon loads up, and your gamer brain registers that you can click on either side of your screen to move a cursor back and forth. Got it. Objects are coming at me. Avoid them. Got it.
But if you're too zoned in on what's directly in front of you, you won't notice the patterns that are forming just a few inches around that. The game will start pumping out geometric shapes: squares and hexagons and, later, mazes. If your eyes are scoping the field for what's coming up next, you'll be better prepared to handle it.
Don't be afraid to go left even if you're used to going right. If you rely too much on moving your cursor right, you might miss a better window to your left. Switch up your patterns every once in awhile. Get used to having to do that. Because the game will eventually force you to whether you like it or not.
Don't be too comfortable with going either right or left. Be comfortable doing both.
Contrary to what the pace of the game might make you feel, you can actually pause to think before making a move (until you get to the harder modes, that is). You don't have to be rapidly moving your cursor back and forth. In fact, it will almost assuredly be the death of you.
I've escaped the clutches of Super Hexagon's geometric shapes by sometimes not even moving the cursor. At odd moments, your cursor will be in the perfect placement to sneak past multiple obstructions. It gives you more time to plan ahead, allowing you to take my first piece of advice.
Super Hexagon's easiest mode is called hard. That's because it's a very, very hard game. But playing around with harder and hardest (and the unlockable hardester and another two levels I can't even fathom) gives you both an appreciation for hard mode as well as faster reflexes and a deeper understanding of the kind of twists, turns and shapes the game is going to throw at you.
I know, I know. Blasphemy to some. The music is, after all, pretty rhythmic and can actually help you get in the zone.
But maybe that's not working for you. Ignoring the female voice that calls out approaching obstacles might actually be a benefit. I turned the music off to multitask this weekend, and ended up playing far better. Though my success could have just been from all the practice. You won't know until you try.
Seriously. The game is dizzying.
For the love of science, do not look at the leaderboards. I thought I was pretty proud of hitting 30+ seconds. And then I mocked my friends who hit 30+ when I was rolling around in the 40s. The back and forth banter and friendly competition got me to 60+.
But it's hard to get competitive when you consider the black hole you'd have to jump into to even begin to compete with the many 200+ scores on the leaderboards. Who are all you crazy people?!
This sounds like an obvious tip, but you'd be surprised when it comes to Super Hexagon. It's very, very easy to get tripped up in this game. Whether it's a close encounter of getting snagged on a corner, or just confronting a new pattern of lines and shapes you haven't seen before, you will die. Often. I can't stress enough how much you will die. In fact your death will be so frequent you'll come to terms with your real-life mortality.
But it's important not to rage quit (unless you're taking my sixth piece of advice) because practicing will let you experience more of the traps the game has to offer. The more practice you get with all of them, the better prepared you'll be to survive for longer lengths of time.
Super Hexagon is a game that requires you to adapt to an ever-changing environment. And you have to respond to the changes very quickly. By honing your skills on every obstacle the game throws at you, nothing will come as a surprise.
So maybe a lot of these are obvious to you. Maybe you've played the game more than I have and are, in fact, one of the wizards boasting a 200+ score on the leaderboard. Really I just needed another excuse to tell you how awesome Super Hexagon is and encourage you to spend some time with it. Rarely will you find me neglecting my consoles in favor of an iOS game, but Super Hexagon is worth it.
And if you have any other tips, please feel free to share.
This year's World Championship Series hosting the StarCraft II finals tournament is being held in the Ericsson Globe in Sweden from September 15-16. The globe itself is indeed impressive, but it looks even more exciting all decked out for the festivities.
That's no moon… [StarCraft]
ArenaNet had shut off their digital sales of Guild Wars 2 a few days after last month's launch, explaining that the demand was simply too high, and existing players' needs needed to be attended to first. Since then, they've gotten the servers sorted out, the trading post online, and (from my experience, at least) significantly reduced the frequency of getting kicked to overflow. So, with the early rush mellowed out, ArenaNet announced that they've re-opened their own digital sales.
They made the announcement by passing around the new official trailer for the game, a more or less completely inexplicable live-action launch trailer that looks more out of The Secret World than Guild Wars 2. Of all the questions it could spur—and there are many—for some reason the one that lingers the most in my mind is: why is that woman's living room underwater?
"I went over to my neighbor's farm and watered her pumpkins."
This is the kind of thing one says regularly while playing FarmVille 2.
I've spent most of the last week deep in Zynga's latest foray into agriculture-based Facebook gaming. I've been really playing the thing, letting it get its hooks into me—for science! Believe it or not, despite the usual Ville-game annoyances, FarmVille 2 is pretty fun. (Or, well, I'm still not sure I'd characterize what I'm having as "fun," but it sure is something.)
One thing's for sure, though—it is impossible to talk about this game without snickering. Every time I talk about FarmVille 2, it sounds like I'm talking about sex.
A big part of FarmVille 2 involves going to your neighbor's farms and... doing stuff. This keeps you engaged and playing the game, largely due to a "keeping up with the Joneses" thing. You're constantly aware of your friends' levels and the states of their farms. (It's not an accident that your first computer-controlled neighbor Marie has an insanely gorgeous level 40 farm, to which she keeps regularly inviting you. That bitch.) It's a diabolical bit of leaderboarding: Tim Rogers and I are cordial neighbors, always helping each other out. But we're also ruthlessly competing.
So it's that much funnier when I say, "I have to go and feed Tim's goat." Hee! I've learned that if I put "…. if ya know what I mean" at the end of every sentence in FarmVille 2, it makes it that much funnier.
Here are some other FarmVille 2 actions that are hard to say with a straight face. Feel free to add "If ya know what I mean" to the end of any of these.
"While I was sleeping, Tiff fertilized my blueberries."
"God, I just wanted to harvest all of Marie's crops, but I didn't have enough energy."
"This morning, Tim finally gave me that wood plank I've been begging him for."
"Tracey was mostly taken care of by the time I got there, so I just watered her crops."
Harvesting corn? Planting a tree? Admiring someone's bush-placement? Dirty, dirty, dirty.
It's not some huge revelation that this is true—food is sexy, and so is farming. FarmVille 2 may be the most neutered, amusement-park version of farming I've ever seen, but even this game can't gloss over the sensuality of working the land. After all, what is farming but coaxing plants into showing us their most engorged sexual organs before we harvest and eat them? (Paging Barbara Kingsolver!)
In other words: FarmVille 2 may not actually show it happening, but we still know the score: Shucking corn requires us to peel back layers of husk from a long, juicy corncob before massaging the silk off of the tip.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fertilize my neighbor's strawberries.
If ya know what I mean.
There's a lot of evil in Liberty City. And, therefore, a lot of victims that need avenging. It's a good thing, then that Junior Almeida's Ghost Rider mod turns Niko Bellic into Marvel Comics' flaming skull-headed, demonic anti-hero.
Is the best thing about having Niko Bellic become the latest host for Zarathos the fiery trail he leaves in his wake? Or is it the way that cars go flying when the Hellcycle gets up to top speed? No, it's probably the firebreathing. Best way to get sinners to repent.
(Thanks, tipster Gareth)
Here's a behind-the-scenes look at Square Enix art director Isamu Kamikokuryo creating an oil painting for the upcoming game Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII, complete with elevator music and Final Fantasy fanfare. Cool, don't you think? Dude is really talented.
(via Andriasang)
The premiere trailer for BioShock Infinite was such a tease. A beautiful new environment, a mysterious and solemn-looking new character, and lots and lots of propaganda.
But there's something great about this 8-bit version that washes out all the detail and gorgeous lighting. I think it's the protagonist's growls as he flails through the air that gets me. And yet, when Booker DeWitt's pixelated form falls in slow motion through blocky roses to that really soft music, it still manages to touch on that emotional feeling from the trailer it's parodying. Go figure. And then Elizabeth gets King Kong-ed and everything goes silly again.
Now for comparison, check out the original below.
