When Valve sat down to design its new Steam Community system, it probably figured including the ability to share screenshots would lead to page after page of glorious vistas, hilarious missteps and dramatic explosions.
Nope. Turns out most people currently in the community beta just want to see sex. And butts. And Sonic memes.
The images in the gallery above are, at time of posting, some of (most of them are the) most popular screenshots on each of these respective game's community hubs.
Valve doesn't have a category in its monthly user surveys for "% of teenage virgin internet nerds". And now, it doesn't need one!
Most of these are fairly tame, but just in case you've got a particularly sensitive employer, I'll give these a half-assed NSFW warning.
UPDATE - Thought this was pretty obvious, but not every game has screens like this. You need mature content to take mature screenshots.
[thanks Argh!]
Let's be frank, though, no one really gives a damn whether John Stockton is in a video game.
I had to wonder this week what the reaction would have been if Stockton, and not Scottie Pippen, was the lone holdout from NBA 2K13's reunion of the 1992 U.S. men's basketball team, announced on Wednesday. It's true that Pippen played in more games for that team and means much more as a defender in a hypothetical matchup with the 2012 Olympians, also assembled in the game, conceivably to settle the debate of which team is better. It's true Pippen was in the game last year but won't be this year.
Yet Pippen's absence seemed to utterly blot out the return to video games of someone who meant more to the Dream Team—as its leading scorer and most dominant personality—who last year disappointed fans by not sitting down when NBA 2K12 set a place for him in a specially created feature. Charles Barkley, the larger-than-life "Round Mound of Rebound" and television analyst, was convinced to get the band back together in NBA 2K13 by no less than Jay-Z—a celebrity executive producer, but one who insisted on reconstituting the Dream Team for fans.
When Barkley held out of NBA 2K12, 2K Sports gritted its teeth and went ahead with a 1985 Philadelphia 76ers lineup without him. What was 2K Sports supposed to do when it did sign Barkley this year, was still solid with Larry, Magic, Michael, Patrick Ewing and Karl Malone, but couldn't get a deal done with Pippen? Scrap its deal with USA Basketball? Put these 11 in the game in a different uniform? Disperse them through the rest of the free agent roster? Yes, there's an argument to be made that "the Dream Team" means all of its members, but would we be having this conversation if 2K Sports couldn't come to terms with Christian Laettner?
It bothers me because the sports audience seems to be the most implacable of video gaming's major segments, fixated annually on what is not in a game, largely because it confuses one label's 20-year-old tagline for an absolute promise: It's in the game, after all and, yes, Scottie Pippen isn't.
Nor is the Baylor fight song in NCAA Football 13. Nor are Division I-AA college football teams. MLB 12 The Show doesn't have the new Major League Baseball playoff format, although the league formally approved it more than two months after the game's release. You didn't have the option to play a strike-shortened schedule in NBA 2K12. You couldn't play the Winter Classic at Fenway Park or Wrigley Field in NHL 10 or 11. Soldier Field wasn't in Madden until last year. Madison Square Garden isn't in Fight Night at all. Neither is Floyd Mayweather. FIFA 13 probably won't have Rangers F.C. And the U.S. Open, British Open and PGA Championship were all absent from Tiger Woods PGA Tour 13.
Somehow, the Republic has survived.
"When developers do their consumer research, it starts with the loudest forum nerds," Zack Hiwiler, a former sports video game developer, wrote on his personal blog last week. Sports video games, which market "to the same, shrinking audience every year," give disproportionate attention to these kinds of details because it's easier to implement them, with a player model or a uniform skin, or a licensing agreement, than it is to refine or, if necessary, reconfigure the controls or a game's in-action experience for greater enjoyability.
That's how you end up with something like NCAA Football 13, whose inclusions of studio updates, Heisman Trophy winners and the USC Song Girls notwithstanding, was deservedly criticized for not differentiating itself enough from last year's edition. To its credit, the NCAA development team enlists forum help to determine where in a stadium the band sits and what type of cannon its ROTC fires after a touchdown. When the Ramblin' Wreck drove out on the wrong end of Grant Field at Bobby Dodd Stadium last year, they heard about it and fixed it.
But I have to wonder if this doesn't also speak to the utterly henpecked state of sports video game development, in which the story, year after year, is consistently what isn't in a game rather than what actually is—and, worse, what is actually new to the game. We'll see it later this week, when Madden NFL 13 introduces real-time physics and a career system allowing live players in control of one team or a single player within the same league, but doesn't have the means to import NCAA draft classes or play the games of CPU-controlled teams. We'll see what the reaction is. If it drives decisionmakers further toward to a desire to not displease, rather than to delight, then we'll see it in games layering on easy cosmetic details instead of remaking worn-out features, where indvidual stars are more important than the team they play for.
Dark Horse will next year be releasing this statue based on the Game of Thrones TV series, featuring the likeness of Tyrion Lannister, who is played by Peter Dinklage.
Standing 10" tall and due in February 2013, the statue will sell for $200. What's cool is that Dinklage himself was filmed by the show's crew in the pose, and to ensure the armour and equipment were modelled accurately, up-close pics of Tyrion's gear from the Battle of Blackwater episode were also sent to Dark Horse, to make sure they even got each nick and scrape on his leather boots right.
Counter-Strike: Global Offensive arrives on PC/Mac and the PS3 and Xbox 360 this week, along with Transformers: Fall of Cybertron, from High Moon Studios. New Super Mario Bros. 2 hit shelves today.
•New Super Mario Bros. 2 (3DS)
• Transformers: Fall of Cybertron (pS3, 360, PC)
• Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (PC, PSN)
• Way of the Samurai 4 (PS3)
• Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty HD Edition (PS3, Vita)
• Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater HD Edition (PS3)
• Retro/Grade (PS3)
•Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (XBLA)
•Dark Souls: Prepare to Die Edition (PC)
In the aftermath of OnLive's not-really-bankruptcy, not-really-restructuring comes this rumor from TechCrunch, which may explain why the cloud-gaming service would want to, effectively, terminate itself as a company, but not its services, nor offer up any of its assets for liquidation to settle its mounting debts. OnLive, suggests TechCrunch, opted for its technical "form of bankruptcy" to zero out employees' equity in the company—and thus reduce the potential price of an acquisition.
What price would that be? Back when Sony bought cloud-gaming service Gaikai in July, that was a $380 million transaction. A regulatory filing from OnLive two years ago suggested a $1.1 billion valuation for the company, and private analysts figured it went up even more in early 2011 after smartphone maker HTC bought in for a $40 million stake. Even if OnLive's fortunes soured meantime, it still had stronger brand recognition than Gaikai, notes TechCrunch, and likely would have gone for more than $380 million if Sony had elected to buy OnLive, which some analysts figured was a better fit.
TechCrunch attributed this allegation to an unnamed but reliable source; an OnLive spokesperson was made aware of it and declined to comment on Friday as the company was effectively mothballed and all of its 200 employees sent home.
Though not actually in bankruptcy, OnLive's assets have been assigned to a third party, which a statement called a "newly formed company" but, according to a recording of Friday's all-hands meeting, was described by OnLive's CEO as a rich, well known and successful venture capitalist. If this person or his company is preparing to flip OnLive to another buyer, who might that be? Well, remember that 2010 document that purported to be a schematic of Microsoft's plans for the Xbox 360's successor? The one Microsoft had taken down from Scribd? It suggested OnLive was a potential acquisition target.
OnLive was said to be strangled by infrastructure costs that dwarfed its actual user base—8,000 servers versus an average of 1,600 concurrently online users. Acquisition was the preferred endgame for the firm for some time, Kotaku was told. It's an entirely legitimate business goal for a startup, and certainly anyone who has worked for one knows his or her stock options or sweat equity is likely to turn out utterly worthless.
But if OnLive did pursue this "type of bankruptcy" just to lower its price at acquisition, whoever is buying it should know that's going to be a PR problem from the day the deal is announced.
Source: OnLive Found A Buyer, Cleaned House To Reduce Liability Prior To Acquisition [TechCrunch]
Apparently when GoDaddy was hawking .co domain registrations with Danica Patrick and bodypaint, some Colombian outfit snapped up LeagueOfLegends.co and redirected gamers who forgot to type that last "M" to a porn site. Considering the overall popularity of LeagueOfLegends.com, this was a shrewd bit of cybersquatting.
Well, now their cynical pornmongering has come to an end. Riot Games, the League of Legends maker, sued for ownership of the domain, claiming trademark infringement. The two sides appear to have settled because Riot now controls the domain, without the matter ending up before the World Intellectual Property Organization.
One down, one to go. Someone registered LeagueOfLegendsPorn.com, which gets points for truth in advertising, but probably will end up in Riot's hands before too long, too.
Riot wins LeagueofLegends.co dispute, web address redirected users to porn site [Fusible]
We're kind of late on this one, but there was a major game announcement back in July: Farming Simulator 2013 arrives in October for PC, PS3, and Xbox 360, in Europe, of course. Now, I can't understand why they don't release Farming Simulator every two or three years, with the latest and greatest genetically modified seeds as DLC updates in between, but they've got a cash cow that they're gonna milk for all it's worth. Get it?
Alright, fine. As a console game, especially, Farming Simulator 2013 to me sounds about as compelling as Cooking Bachelor 4: Cereal for Dinner, Again. So its our job this week to sex up these screenshots and turn this video game into an action-packed thrill ride full of intrigue and suspense.
Source Images: Farming Simulator 2013 screenshots. (Gallery above)
I don't care what you have to do—stick a Gears of War HUD on that, make Engineer milk a cow, whatever, this is a video game, let's make it look like one, dammit.
Remember, you have to post submissions in the new forum for the Kotaku 'Shop Contest. I know it's not as fun as seeing everyone's creations underneath this post, but this way displays them in chronological order, which everyone seems to prefer.
Because of this, comments are disabled in this post to avoid confusion. You must visit the 'Shop Contest Forum to participate or to see this week's subissions. After you create your 'Shop, you'll need to post it there. Here are the rest of the guidelines for doing so.
1. Go to the 'Shop Contest Forum
2. Click "Add Image" in the upper right above the comment window.
3. Click "Upload an Image Instead." Then click the "Choose File" button. Browse your desktop, find the image, and click "open."
4. If you prefer, you can upload the 'Shop to a free image hosting service. I suggest imgur. Then click "Add image" in the upper right above the comment window. Paste the image URL into the field that says "Image URL."
5. You can add editorial commentary if you want, but then just hit submit and your image will load. If it doesn't, paste the image URL as a comment.
6. This is important: Keep your image size under 1 MB. If you're still having trouble uploading the image, try to keep its longest dimension (horizontal or vertical) under 1000 pixels.
All set? Great. Now, Gentlemen, start your 'shopping!
Though the studio's founder himself said the game wasn't even fun—no one internally was playing it—"Project Copernicus" was one of the most lamented casualties of 38 Studios' collapse, primarily because its screenshots looked so damn good. Not at all like a free-to-play game.
But that was the plan for "Copernicus" from the get-go, said Curt Schilling, according to the Boston magazine writer who interviewed him last month about the studio's notorious collapse. Investors weren't interested in a traditional MMO, Schilling said, intimating they're all chasing the growth forecast for social and free-to-play markets.
If you're a hardcore gamer groaning about the spread of free-to-play kudzu into traditional PC gaming spaces, well, Schilling groaned too. (He was a serious gamer during his Major League Baseball career, remember.) "You won't find a more ardent opposition to free to play than me," he said, "and I went 180 degrees."
Because investors were so fervent to hitch their ride to the next free-to-play flavor-of-the-minute, Schilling believes 38 Studios could have gotten a lifesaving deal done—until Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chaffee started badmouthing 38, a venture that got a huge package of funding and incentives from the state. Rhode Island now owns everything 38 Studios owned, and will hold a firesale to try to get back whatever it can.
Schilling isn't unreasonable in his appraisal of investor interest, but when he calls "Copernicus" the "first triple-A, hundred-million-dollar-plus, free-to-play, micro-transaction-based MMO," I really have to wonder if that's something really sustainable at this time. Remember, Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, the console role-playing game they built for Electronic Arts, needed to sell 3 million copies just to break even, and it got about a third of the way there—at best.
It's good to set goals, but a good goal is both measurable and achievable. And if "Copernicus" wasn't even fun, it doesn't matter what investors think about free-to-play as the next big thing.
Curt Schilling's Game Would Have Been Free To Play [Boston Magazine]
Welcome to your Sunday read of the week's best in web comics. Make sure to click on the expand button in the bottom right to enlarge each comic.
Penny Arcade by Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik published Aug. 15.—Read more of Penny Arcade
Awkward Zombie by Katie Tiedrich published Aug. 13.—Read more of Awkward Zombie
Nerf NOW!! by Josué Pereira published Aug. 17.—Read more of Nerf NOW!!
Manly Guys Doing Manly Things by Kelly Turnbull published Aug. 13.—Read more of Manly Guys Doing Manly Things
Brawl In The Family by Matthew Taranto published Aug. 17.—Read more of Brawl In The Family
Virtual Shackles by Jeremy Vinar and Mike Fahmie published Aug. 15.—Read more of Virtual Shackles
Another Videogame Webcomic by Phil Chan and Joe Dunn published Aug. 17.—Read more of Another Videogame Webcomic
ActionTrip by Borislav Grabovic and Ure Paul published Aug. 13.—Read more of ActionTrip
Legacy Control by Javis Ray published Aug. 15.—Read more of Legacy Control
The classic opening to Star Wars gets a little shorter and a lot more contemporary when it's smashed together with the intro to comedy series 30 Rock.
You can see this clip and the original running side-by-side here. Just in case you needed to check how well it's been done.
It's only seeing them like this that you realise how terrifyingly similar New Hope Luke and 30 Rock Jenna look.
Star Wars 30 Rock Opening [speederbikedad, via TDW]