Don't try and make sense of Spinal Breakers, a 1990 coin-op game. It's got a story that centres around nuclear war, something called "hildroids" (which look a lot like Nazis to me) and the alteration of the Earth's axis.
What's important is that you play as a man (and walking Michael Biehn tribute) called Captain Waffle.
Captain.
Waffle.
His original escapades in Spinal Breakers are largely forgettable, but his next appearance in a game - yes, there's more than one - is much cooler.
The stupid name and weird Nazi mutant enemies are of course the result of both games being developed by a Japanese studio, Video System, who sadly went bust a long time ago.
Like anyone else who played PC games in the early 1990s, I was, and still am, madly in love with Wing Commander III, perhaps the finest moment of the period's fixation with using real actors.
One thing always seemed a little weird to me though: why was there a porn star on the ship?
Yes, among the other luminaries of the silver screen appearing in the game, like Mark Hamill, Jonathan Rhys Davies and Malcolm McDowell, a starring role was set aside for Ginger Lynn Allen. Otherwise known as Ginger Lynn. Otherwise known as one of the biggest porn stars of the 1980s.
She played the role of down-to-earth maintenance worker Rachel Coriolis, one of two possible love interests for the player character (the other being the unbearable Jennifer MacDonald).
Any young men hoping that opting with Lynn would result in some hot, compressed FMV action were of course left bitterly disappointed, as romantic scenes were relegated to the odd kiss and some light petting, though given the fact any sex scenes would have also involved Mark Hamill, maybe we should be thankful for that. Or despondent! Up to you.
Lynn, who in the mid-80s emerged as one of the biggest porn stars in America (she made, um, 69 movies in all), left the adult business behind in 1986 to try and break into mainstream cinema. Despite a brief appearance in Young Guns II and...Wing Commander III, she mostly failed in this attempt, resulting in a brief return to porn around the turn of the millennium.
What's interesting about Lynn's appearance in the game, one of the real blockbusters of its time, is that her previous job was used almost as a selling point. I remember even as a 12-13 year-old, reading up on the game's development, that alongside "Luke Skywalker", "the asshole from Back to the Future", "the fat guy from Indiana Jones" and "Malcolm McDowell" would be this porn star.
Not that she was ever used as sexy marketing; like I said, the cast spends almost the entire game over-dressed. The video to the left (featuring Lynn) is about as racy as Wing Commander III gets. Her past was mentioned, then just...left there. Like a bullet-point.
Which now I look back was pretty cool. I mean, yeah, it would have been easy to make a big deal out of it, but director Chris Roberts took his games very (some might say too) seriously. Bringing a former porn star onboard in the middle of his epic sci-fi tale just to sex things up wouldn't have been his style. So like everyone else involved, their prior - and often embarassing - track records were brought up then thrown in the pot, so all involved could get on with enjoying a story not about washed-up actors working for a paycheque, but about giant space cats trying to kill us all.
Hello Kotaku, and welcome to a new week of open threads. It's beautiful in North America, but apparently quite cold in Australia where Mr. Plunkett lives. If you're somewhere warm, I hope you've been getting outside.
Perhaps you have heard all the buzz around master writer (and West Wing, Sports Night, and Studio 60 creator) Aaron Sorkin's new show The Newsroom?
There was a period of time when I thought The West Wing was one of the greatest TV shows ever made, and there have been periods when I've rolled my eyes so hard at his writing that they got stuck in my head (see: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip).
Lately, it's been something of a roller-coaster ride with regard to how I feel about his work. I loved Charlie Wilson's War, didn't really love The Social Network, and while I'll wait until I see The Newsroom until I render judgment, early word… does not have me optimistic.
In a smart move, HBO has made the entire first episode free on YouTube, so you can check it out and decide for yourself. Word has it that the quality of the show declines steeply from the premiere, but I guess non-screener-owning civilians like me will just have to wait until the show airs in real time to formulate an opinion.
In the meantime, take a trip down memory lane with this amazing new video of "Sorkinisms," which hilariously charts the many, many (many!) lines and riffs that he reuses. It's really quite something! Don't talk to it like it's other people! You think? Can I help you? You bet!
I've been re-watching some early West Wing lately, and I enjoy how his familiar beats repeat themselves. My criticisms of some of his content notwithstanding, I've always thought of Sorkin's dialogue as a sort of musical performance, and it's fitting that like a musician, he has a number of riffs that he reuses. This video is very funny, in an affectionate sort of way.
What is your favorite Aaron Sorkin show or movie? Have you seen The Newsroom? Did you like it? If they made a video game about cable news, how would it work?
Feel free to discuss those questions, or anything else. The Open Thread is yours.
NeoGAF user Joe Prodigy left his 3DS alone in a spot where his dog, Loki, could get it. So, yeah. Loki ate the 3DS.
If you've ever wondered what it looks like when an animal tries to eat a Nintendo handheld, now you know.
Either that dog is smart, or just tenacious, because he managed to get the SD card out and eat it as well.
UPDATE - Reader Brenden sends in pics of his own 3DS (the blue one, added to the pics below), eaten two days after launch by his little dog Nyx. Who, like Loki, went straight for the 3DS cards. What are they made of, beef jerky?
Gaming Heads, the creators of fine Team Fortress 2 statuary, opens the valve on its new Portal 2 line with this gorgeous 16-inch turret replica, ready to fill speaking and non-speaking roles in your home security regime, depending on how much you're willing to invest.
Can you really put a price tag on quality replica home security? Well yes, you can, and that price tag is $300. That money can secure you one of 750 Portal 2 turrets upon their Q4 2012 release, packed lovingly in foam with a certificate that ensures that this is a high quality product and not something you made in shop class.
Just look at this thing. Are you not pleased to the tune of $300?
Perhaps you need to see a more detailed view. Did I mention the motion sensor activated light?
Still not convinced? What's wrong with you? You act as if you don't have $300 to toss about frivolously on video game paraphernalia.
I can understand that, so I won't even tell you about the Gaming Heads exclusive edition, which adds voices from the game to the statue for a mere $30 extra. It's limited to 350 pieces; you probably couldn't have secured one in time anyway.
The province of Skyrim is big. Really, really big. So big that horses might not be fast enough to cover the amount of ground that you need to cover.
Fortunately, Skyrim Nexus mod-maker zdzichorowerzysta (nice handle, buddy!) has made the helpfully titled "Car Mod", which replaces horses in the game with cars.
There's a real Army of Darkness mod to watching the Dovahkiin tear across the plains and cities of Skyrim in a banged-up convertable.
This video by Hi5M0F0 catches the mod in all its bizarre glory. More mods like this, please! While those 360 folks are having fun with Dawnguard, I'll be driving around in a CAR, so WHATEVER.
Over at Etsy shop The Basement Invaders, Jason and Alex make a variety of Nintendo-inspired goodies. There are Yoshi egg earrings aplenty, but my favorites are the piranha plant wine glasses.
Or maybe the thwomp glasses, which glare angrily at you. Then again, they may be a bad idea; I'd be tempted to slam them down onto the table. Regularly. With, I am sure, disastrous results. Similarly, it might be too tempting to jump on a goomba glass.
There are also Zelda heart-inspired tumblers for holding your health potions, and both red and green mushroom cups, when you need to sip something that makes you feel bigger or makes you feel alive.
The piranha plant glasses also come in pink. Just in case you needed that in your life.
In all the hullabaloo that was raised over Mass Effect 3's now famously controversial ending, I sometimes felt like I had lost track of what everyone actually wanted.
Some people want closure, others want to see the results of all of their decisions. Others want to understand whether the endings broke the fiction of Mass Effect, and whether the universe is indeed forever destroyed regardless of Shepard's actions. Still others haven't finished the game at all.
Starting tomorrow, we'll get the extended ending that BioWare promised in the wake of fan revolt. I thought I would take a polling of the Kotaku readership. What do you want to get out of the Mass Effect Extended Cut? (Obviously, spoilers follow.)
For starters, I was curious which ending y'all took. So, let's determine that - and choose which one you took first or, for your "canon" Shepard, the one you think of as your "real" Shepard.
So now, let's see what everyone wants from the extended ending. You can only choose one thing here, so choose whichever one it is that you'd say is the most important to you.
We'll see what's what once the extended cut launches tomorrow.
Did you ever wonder what would have happened if the boy from Limbo had reunited with his sister? And say, gone on a safari in Africa?
The new video for deadmau5's "The Veldt" takes some serious inspiration from Playdead's 2010 Xbox hit, showing two little Limbo-style silhouetted kids going on a magical, mysterious adventure through a red-tinged savannah. They even mimic the limbs-akimbo leap from Limbo.
Fortunately, neither of the kids meets a violent end. Very cool.
Now that all talk of misogyny, mistreatment and objectification of women has been put to rest; now that we've all decided to live together in perfect harmony and treat each other as respected equals; now is the time for preorder bikinis and shots of half-naked video game characters sparkling with rivulets of shimmering sea water.
"Sensual in-game swimsuits for female characters" reads the official news that not one but two sets of revealing "bunny-style" swimwear will be available to the men and women that preorder Dead or Alive 5. GameStop purchasers will score the 'DOA Angels' set of white swimwear for Kasumi, Leifang and Hitomi, while Amazon buyers get the 'DOA Devils' set, featuring dark swimsuits for Christie, Tina and Ayane.
It's also fortunate that everyone in the world suddenly agreed that retailer-specific preorder items are perfectly wonderful and we love them.
GameStop customers can also opt to pay $79.99 for the special Collector's Edition of Dead or Alive 5. Wrapped lovingly in an embossed steel case, this special package includes swimsuits for all of the female characters, a hardcover art book filled with "lush imagery" and a copy of the game's soundtrack.
Let's see what it looks like!
Sorry, that's the only image that came with the news.
Like anyone else who played PC games in the early 1990s, I was, and still am, 
