Falanu Hlaalu, alchemist of Skingrad, puts the dark in Dark Elves in this brief exchange from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. The non-player characters in Bethesda's 2006 masterpiece might have all been voiced by the same handful of people, but Falanu manages to set herself apart from the crowd with her unique... hobby? Sexual orientation? Exercise regimen?
Oh well, as long as the fine is modest and the mood is right, what happens in Cyrodiil stays in Cyrodiil by order of the Imperial Legion.
Kudos to those stalwart comedy video craftsmen for looking in the most obscure places possible for inspiration. Of all the games I consider ripe with comedic potential, RollerCoaster Tycoon doesn't even crack the top 100. It was an entertaining game that provided countless hours of entertainment, but it never struck me as funny.
But who doesn't love virtual people dying in horrible ways?
For more sick and twisted video game comedy, follow the link to Dorkly.com.
It's the sort of scene that once you see it, you can't un-see it. Even if, say, a machine were to jam a giant metal needle into your eyeball? That would be less traumatic than watching that Dead Space 2 scene.
Fair warning, this might get a little gross. Or a lot gross.
I mean, okay, here:
Does that give you an idea of what I'm talking about? DOES IT??
Once someone sees this scene, once they take control over the needle, stick it into Isaac's eyeball… not too far now! Wouldn't want to drill into his brain and kill him or anything…
OH FUCK YOU PUSHED THE NEEDLE TOO FAR LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE EEEEEEEEE
Once you've experienced this scene, you're changed forever. Your life can never go back to the way it was. The brightest June afternoons are cast under a pall. Open meadows have a faint sulfurous smell. Your morning bowl of Honey, Bunches of Oats seems flavorless and bland. You are a husk of a person, doomed to wander the earth without joy or respite, your restless nights haunted by eyebally nightmares.
But there is one thing you can do. You can save others from the same fate.
And so thank god for this sister, who jumps on the grenade for her brother, even though it appears that he may have already seen too much:
And three cheers for this girl, who despite her boyfriend's protestations, surely has his best interests at heart:
He may be annoyed now, but once the scene is over, he'll be able to get on with his life unscarred. He'll never know how close he came.
And high-five to Doofy Pageboy Guy, who does his best to save his Blonde Sister-Friends from sharing his fate:
We know so much about you, Bored Blonde Teenagers with Mismatched Controllers. But we didn't know it had gone this far. If only Blonde Sister #2 would listen to Doofy Pageboy Guy and let him protect her! Clearly Blonde Sister #1 is beyond saving. She has the dead eyes and soulless affect of one who has already seen The Horrible Eyeball Scene in Dead Space 2. But maybe her sister isn't beyond saving…
No matter how hopeless life may seem now, it's not too late to save others. Not everyone needs to see that scene. Not everyone needs... to know...
wait...
what am I doing....
why am I...
putting this image into the post...
OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE
Some games stay with you even when you're not playing them. Sometimes, you get so deeply into a game that you need to bring it with you on the go. You need to keep up with everything that's going on, and even looking over stats or reading through the game's encyclopedia makes that time spent sitting on the bus more bearable.
If Starhawk does that for you, then congratulations! There's an app for that. The Starhawk Uplink lets you check out player and clan stats, look at leaderboards, and access info about maps, structures, and so on while on the go.
It won't help you drop a building on the car in front of you while you're sitting in traffic, but it'll let you know that while you were sitting there in gridlock, your buddy surpassed your score.
Starhawk Uplink is a free app for both iOS and Android devices.
Starhawk Mobile Uplink Available on Android and iOS Now [PlayStation Blog]
The people behind StarCraft say that while nobody's currently working on the infamously-delayed StarCraft: Ghost, there's a chance that could change in the future.
It's now been a decade since Blizzard first announced StarCraft: Ghost, and it has since become the poster child for indefinitely delayed video games.
The game sounded fantastic. It was to be a stealth-action hybrid for consoles in which you'd control a Ghost, or sort of psychic super-spy named Nova. You'd have access to a number of weapons and psychic abilities, all ripped straight from the real-time strategy franchise. Blizzard promised that we'd finally get a third-person, on-the-ground look at the plots and buildings that make up the world of StarCraft.
Then Blizzard delayed it. And delayed it. And delayed it. Eventually, Blizzard put StarCraft: Ghost on official hold, moving their design teams to other projects like World of Warcraft and StarCraft II.
But while it's generally assumed that we'll never see StarCraft: Ghost, protagonist Nova made an appearance in StarCraft II. And according to StarCraft II lead designer Dustin Browder, she'll also show up in the upcoming first expansion pack, Heart of the Swarm.
So does this mean Blizzard has plans to resuscitate Nova's game?
"There are no plans," Browder told me in a phone interview last week. "I'm not saying we won't ever, but I'll tell you what I do know: There are no meetings going on. There is no team. No one talks about doing it.
"It doesn't mean that in two years from now, we won't have those meetings, the team won't be formed, but there is literally nothing happening around that game right now that would indicate that there's any likelihood that it will happen. It's just as likely we'll do that again as Lost Vikings 3 or whatever. There's just no guarantees one way or the other, but nothing is happening."
So stay pessimistic. But know that StarCraft: Ghost might not be dead forever.
"We are super huge fans of consoles. We love console gaming as players," Browder said. "I wasn't really party to [the decision to put Ghost on hold] but I know it was a difficult decision."
Oh, THQ. Is there any more embattled video game company that you right now? Its financial woes have led some to believe that the company may not be exist in the near future. But new president Jason Rubin isn't one of them. The Naughty Dog co-founder gave an interview to Games Industry International that gives a glimpse of what he feels the company should focus on and what THQ will be avoiding in the near future.
The interview reveals that Rubin's seen most of the major games currently in development for the publisher and how he feels the company's slate can still do well:
Take a look at [South Park] Stick of Truth. A lot of people are talking about it, excited about it. That's not a blockbuster. Graphically, it's not going to compete with Call of Duty, but it's a really cool game. Metro's gotten a lot of nominations for Best in Show. Company of Heroes, the sequel to the highest rated RTS of all time. There are good things to do. [Saints Row developer] Volition, has an incredible amount of talent. I think that if they had been fostered in the same way that Naughty Dog was at Sony, given the tools that they needed to succeed, that there would be a much much more successful title there.
Rubin also says that he plans on maximizing those successful THQ franchises, ignoring mobile platforms like iOS and Android for the present and avoiding some of the riskier bets that the company's made in the past, like the uDraw tablet:
One of the things I plan on doing is making a much more concise portfolio. I will not expand into the money I have because I want to keep this money around for a rainy day. So THQ is going to be a lot more careful with what it does and a little less cavalier. You won't be seeing another uDraw. We're not going to be doing side projects in mobile or casual. You're not going to see that stuff.
THQ's new bossman also mentions Guillermo Del Toro's inSane and unannounced titles that are in the pipeline as well, so it seems that it won't just be sequels coming from the publisher in the near future.
Generally speaking, people compare games by listing bullet points. Which game has better graphics, which game has better gameplay? Which one has the better story, or better multiplayer?
Little did they know, there is a better way to determine which game is best. Just leave your game cases in a room together and see which one comes out alive.
I have to admit, I have a soft spot for the idea of game cases having their own secret lives. Michael Shanks takes the idea to a whole new level in this video. Ha!
(Thanks, James!)
In 2007 my older sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through hell fighting against the malignant neoplasm — radiation, chemotherapy, a mastectomy, follow-up surgeries and reconstruction. She won her battle eventually, but the process was painful for the entire family. It's safe to say I hate breast cancer.
I am, however, a big fan of the color pink. Being able to show my support for my sister and the countless women going through the same struggle every day by purchasing special-edition colored video game peripherals like SteelSeries' new Siberia v2 headset is an incredibly selfish act of altruism on my part.
My Macbook Air has a pink plastic cover. My Kindle Fire is wrapped in light red faux leather. My Second Life character, inactive for more than a year, sits in a darkened corner of a Linden Labs server, hair and cat ears the color of cotton candy.
It's a pleasing color. Soft and soothing, while playful at the same time. The pink ribbon associated with breast cancer support is a symbol of generosity, faith in science, and a positive attitude. It's a symbol of hope. The color fits the message.
And it also gives video game hardware manufacturers an attractive option to help raise awareness of breast cancer, raising money for the cause at the same time.
We've seen everything from special edition portable video game systems from Nintendo...
...to a little something for the PC gaming crowd, courtesy of NZXT, who donated $2,500 of the proceeds from this sexy beast to the Breast Cancer Foundation earlier this year.
And of course we've got the SteelSeries Siberia v2, a lovely headset in an even lovelier color. SteelSeries is donating 10 percent of the proceeds from sales of the pink headset will go to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, with a goal of $10,000.
I don't know if my love of the color pink predated my sister's struggle with Breast Cancer, or if this love affair stemmed from that fight and subsequent victory. Perhaps it's a subconscious way of showing gratitude that she survived her ordeal and came out stronger on the other end.
What I do know is that that thanks to video game hardware and peripheral manufacturers showing their support, everybody's world gets a little brighter every day.
Especially the world around my computer desk.
Over the decades and centuries, many conventions we now take for granted in film, literature, photography, and so on first came from independent, experimental artists. It has seemed like common sense, then, to assume that the next best innovations in gaming would come from a vibrant indie scene, and from gaming developing a true avant-garde. The former has been churning away merrily for some years now, hugely helped by the advent of digital distribution. The latter has been brought to the forefront of discussion by, of all people, Peter Molyneux.
There are many game designers working on small, innovative, experimental games that we could certainly call, collectively, an avant-garde movement. Most of these are obscure, as many of the experimental filmmakers of the 1960s remain obscure outside of certain university curricula. Art games and experimental games don't exactly blitz the airwaves with commercials, or buy major splashes on news and review sites.
But Molyneux is well known, after a career that has so far brought out the Populous, Black and White, and Fable franchises, among other games. And he gained significant attention when, earlier this year, he announced his departure from Lionhead Studios to form a start-up called 22 Cans.
22 Cans will be releasing 22 "experiments" better to understand how players tick. The first, Curiosity, is due soon. The sum total of the 22 experiments will, theoretically, be a huge pile of data on how people really engage with social tools, that will form the backbone of a game to follow two years later.
When I first read that premise, my mind immediately turned to The Simpsons. Yes, really. Specifically, my trivia-filled brain immediately swung around to the episode "22 Short Films About Springfield," and actually, I was on the right track.
That episode not only borrows liberally from Pulp Fiction, but also from an independent film called Thirty Two Short Films About Glenn Gould. Both the original film and the Simpsons parody posit that the best way to understand a thing—a day, a person, a story—is to come at it from many directions at once. A series of vignettes, the idea runs, may say more than any one in-depth straightforward look.
Twenty-two experiments, to say everything about the players and what makes us tick. Twenty-two short projects to combine into a whole that tells us more about who we are and how we communicate than any one, in-depth, straightforward look.
Molyneux's game ideas have always been full of promise that didn't necessarily translate to the finished worlds. Black & White was a god game that left players feeling less than omnipotent; Fable always promised wide-open choices but settled into a bit of a binary groove. The fullest expression of Molyneux's ideas have perhaps best been realized in games he never touched: everything that came from the "Molydeux" Game Jam, an effort he applauded.
The games all came from ideas tweeted out by a Molyneux parody account, Peter Molydeux. And that, in many ways, is the best sign of all that the world of gaming has never been more ripe for outsider input. Hundreds of mostly unknown folks with some talent to contribute banded together for a weekend to make playable games based on deliberately outlandish ideas from a person who only exists to poke fun at the mainstream industry-that-is.
Neither Molyneux or Molydeux are anything like an Andy Warhol, to be sure. And game design that seeks to go off the beaten path tends to have less in the way of mind-altering drugs or warehouse orgies than much of the experimental art of the 1960s had. But there's a same fundamental sense of questioning: what is our medium, why does it work the way it does, and can we take it apart and make something different out of its elements?
For the most part, we're seeing the emergence of a gentle, persuasive variation on the avant-garde in gaming, rather than a trenchant, angry one. And it's spreading into playable, accessible games with amazing speed. Games that appear on Xbox Live, the PlayStation Network, mobile devices, or even downloadable for actual computers are stepping outside of established genres faster than we can make up new ones for them.
What do you call games like Journey and Flower, which highlight the idea that a game can be stripped down to its barest components, and yet still be both beautiful and meaningful? How do you best describe a Sword and Sworcery? You can tell someone what Minecraft is, but do those words explain what makes it so well-loved? How do you explain that Johann Sebastian Joust is a video game, when it operates without a screen?
From where we sit in the mid-point of 2012, the line between outsider art and insider art is blurring. It absolutely takes a massive amount of resources to make what we still think of as a mainstream game. And the mainstream does us the favor of pushing the boundaries on technological innovation. Anyone deliberately staying outside of the system isn't going to have the millions of dollars it takes to, say, improve the physics of a major game engine. But games require player participation, and players have lots to add. And in an era of mods and cheap game engines, of user-created content and social networking, the participant adds to the experience in an ever more literal way.
For every game that appears as if by magic from outside of the mainstream, some part of what defines "mainstream" changes. We see the phenomenon at its crass, commercial worst (and also, at its fastest) in the proliferation of Facebook games and mobile apps that are nearly indistinguishable from each other, and in the ones that are blatantly cloned. One good idea becomes an instant mainstream idea, if it can be mimicked fast enough.
Other ideas, though, take more time to percolate. Journey's less is more approach to multiplayer communication won't be the last time we see an action as simple as a ping stand in for the whole array of human speech. And games like Braid and Fez, that intentionally use the tropes and hallmarks of genres in order to subvert those very genres, become more popular every year.
And every now and again, a thinker who prefers to work outside of the establishment does have the resources to do it inside the establishment, in a way that makes a splash. Which brings us back to Peter Molyneux.
Whatever 22 things we learn about how players perceive the content, value, and very act of playing a game, we can expect to see them used. Everywhere. Not just in whatever game project 22 Cans comes up with for 2015 and beyond, but in other games that share the ecosystem, too. If someone really is willing to pay $77,000 for the sake of curiosity, everyone who makes games will take notice. Ideas, good and bad, travel quickly. And once let out of Pandora's Box, as it were, they never go back in.
I truly hope that the 22 things we learn show us the better sides of human nature, and not the worse. And I hope in the end that they give us better games, not cash-grabbier ones. The ripples will ride out far beyond one game. These ripples always do.
The first time I saw Assassin's Creed III I spotted 50 interesting things in the game. I've seen it a couple more times recently and have learned a few more things. It helps to have the people who are leading the game nearby to point some of them out.
That's all I've got, until next time...