It has happened. The day spoken of in legend. After two years, I am finally to be set free of the Curse Of Steam Charts. All its taken is entirely leaving my job in four days time to end this purgatory. The only decision left is to whom I shall pass this vexation. That, and how to avoid mentioning the actual games for one more week. And this time I’ve come up with a self-indulgent doozy.

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After months of lazing around on consoles, Geralt Of Rivia is finally stumbling through the portal to Monster Hunter: World on PC. Capcom have picked May 9th for the debut of this impressively well fleshed-out crossover. It features a fully voiced, branching story mission where you get to play as everyone’s favourite grumpy monster-slayer from The Witcher series, a new monster (plus one variant) from that world. There’s also a trio of big perks to grind for. Dedicated hunters can permanently unlock Geralt, Ciri and horrible Nekkers to fight, or capture to swap your Palico for.

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The game you like isn’t as good as the game I like. When you like the game you like, you are made to look a fool!

Find out why in this week’s Steam Charts.

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I worry about Geralt. The Witcher series may be over for now, but this hasn’t stopped Geralt from taking odd jobs here and there, slaying beasts in Monster Hunter: World, or stabbing folks in Soul Calibur VI. Is Geralt getting adequate retirement benefits? Have witchers unionized yet? I hope he can get some rest, or at least find more contract work that doesn’t involve exterminating monsters all the time. Freelancing is tiring.

Here are seven games that need to be blessed by Geralt s presence.

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I took it for granted. I knew I shouldn’t, I think I even knew I was doing it at the time. But last week, when the charts were filled with new and interesting games, pushing out the tired and bloated titles, I didn’t take the time to recognise what we had. And now, as can only be the direct responsibility of my careless credulity, everything has fallen apart.

This week’s charts are the worst I’ve ever seen. And I’m sorry. I’m… look, I’m just sorry.

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In a monster-sized newsblast, Capcom have announced that Monster Hunter: World will next year receive a full expansion named Iceborne, a crossover bring Geralt from The Witcher to Monster Hunter with new quests, and new mega-tough versions of some nasty raid beasties. A demo is coming this week too. Busy times in Monsterland. Mostly I’m excited to see Geralt encounter Palico catpals. Please give Geralt a Palico.

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Is… is it over yet? Are the Black Friday and Cyber Monday PC gaming deals finally finished? Just a couple more hours to go now, you can do it deals herald, you can get through this. You’ve got a week and a half holiday coming up soon, just get through the afternoon and then you can go and lie in a dark room and not dream about Cyber Monday graphics card deals you might have missed for the seventh night running.

Ahem. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me there. Probably the Cyber Monday PC gaming deals fatigue settling in, or the Black Friday fever dream I seem to have been living this past fortnight. But your deals herald is stronger than that. Nay, THE DEALER is stronger than that, and with a renewed sense of vigor that may in fact be frenzied despair, I thus present to you the final monolithic installment of our Black Friday and Cyber Monday PC deals bonanza. Gone are the deals swept away by the ever-grabbing hands of internet shoppers. All that’s left is the best of the best that are still up for grabs, from graphics cards and monitors to SSDs, gaming headsets, CPUs and mice and keyboards and more. If you’ve yet to do your Cyber Monday shopping, act fast, as these PC gaming deals won’t be around for long.

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Beep boop. I am the SteamChartBot, and welcome to the CYBERCHARTS. They’re like the regular charts, but they have the word “CYBER” shouted at the start, and that makes them really bloody cool.

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I’m sure everyone’s feeling a bit of Black Friday fatigue by now (trust me, I want this all to be over just as much as you do), but in the interests of those after that one, last, final deal to end all deals, I present to you our newly refreshed Black Friday and Cyber Monday PC gaming deals hub. I’ve cleared away all the deals that have been swept into oblivion by the almighty wave of discount-grabbers, leaving you with the best of the best PC gaming deals that are still available. Whether you’re after a new graphics card, monitor, SSD, gaming headset or even a new CPU, mouse and keyboard, your deals herald will provide. Here are all the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday PC gaming deals you can grab right now.

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QUICKLY! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, QUICKLY! I’ve written the charts and there are some jokes and you have to read it!

One of the jokes is quite good!

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