It has happened. The day spoken of in legend. After two years, I am finally to be set free of the Curse Of Steam Charts. All its taken is entirely leaving my job in four days time to end this purgatory. The only decision left is to whom I shall pass this vexation. That, and how to avoid mentioning the actual games for one more week. And this time I’ve come up with a self-indulgent doozy.

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In Steve Hogarty’s latest premature evaluation, he ascertained that it’s totally worth simulating accurate battles in Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. One question, though, was left unacceptably ignored.

How many hobbits does> it take to kill a mammoth?

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Back at PC Zone magazine, where I was born out of an egg, it was my job to take the raw copy submitted by our freelance writers, strip out most of the sexism and veiled threats against politicians, and produce a polished and well structured review that was legally fit for publication. One of the most commonly deleted and cliched introductions to any game about a war (which was almost every game back then) went as thus. War, huh? What is it good for? Well, this game for a start>. If you ve never read those words in that order before, send a thank you card to your nearest editor today.

I can still picture the freelancer s wide-eyes and self-satisfied grin as they smashed the enter key, confident that they had just invented a cool and original way to begin a review about wars. Bam! Now there s> an opening line, they would say, half laughing to themselves in disbelief that the very first thought that occured to them could be so brilliant, so perfect. Then they would lean back in their chair and run their hands through their hair like Christian Bale having just done a murder. I know this because I was that writer, once. Asking what war is good for and then saying it s the game you re writing about is a rite of passage for any games journalist, like finding out that you re not allowed to use the words gameplay or visceral , even when you re talking about guts spilling out.

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As this is my penultimate edition of Steam Charts, before I return to nuzzle into the warm infinite belly of Horace for all of time, I thought it might be fun to take a bit of a look behind the scenes of Steam Charts, to see how this weekly column comes together.

So, hey, join me as we step behind the curtain, and learn a little bit about the magic of Rock Paper Shotgun.

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After yonks giggling at goofy GIFs of snake-firing archers and googly-eyed mammoths in Totally Accurate Battle Simulator, we can ourselves pit weird armies against each other in physics-driven foolish fisticuffs. Totally Accurate Battle Simulator entered early access today and yes, I know today is April Fools’ Day but the launch is real. The contents of the game, perhaps less so. Did Vikings really> carry longboats into battle to throw at their enemies? I guess, at the very least, TABS can teach us whether it would have been effective.

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Five months ago, I took a trip through Wilhelm Nylund’s wonderful world of Totally Accurate Battle Simulator GIFs. TABS is a game about assembling stupid googly-eyed armies to fight other stupid googly-eyed armies, and Nylund is in charge of the unit design. The unit design is spectacular.

TABS isn’t out yet and we don’t know when it will be, which sucks because Nylund’s racked up another five months worth of GIFs and I can’t wait to start making my own. Until then, feast your eyes on the lethal bumbling of idiotic mammoths and the improbably-effective chopping of neck holstered axe-wielders.

Look, it’s hard to describe the magic with words. There is a reason this post is 90% GIFs.

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Video games have been simulating battles since 1873, but none of them have the same reverence for historical authenticity as Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. It’s an upcoming physicsy fightfest where you pit hordes of samurai, trebuchets and chicken men against mishmashes of rival units – not to be confused with Totally Accurate Battlegrounds, a spinoff battle royale game where you shoot stuff yourself rather than watching from above.

It won’t be out for a while, but in the meantime you can (and should) feast your eyes on the dev videos below. William Nylund has been revolutionising warfare with snake guns and shield fans.

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Take the open-world loot-o-murderhiking of Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds, add wacky physics, then sprinkle over a few actually quite good ideas, and you might have something like Totally Accurate Battlegrounds, a game I’ve been enjoying more than I’d expected. It’s janky, wait times for a round are huge, and it won’t replace Plunkbat in my heart, but it’s free its first few days so hey, you may as well grab it before it costs $5.

It’s also one of the few games containing my three favourite FPS features: mixed-weapon dual wielding; seeing your own legs and body when you look down; and physics so goofy that you can boost yourself by jumping then firing at the ground. (more…)