I've visited GTA Online's new Diamond Casino, and as a gambling fan (in games, for fake money), I've already got a few complaints. 

The slot machines are a bit basic—there's no multi-line bets and while some have their own specific sound effects, they're all roughly the same machines with different paint jobs. The roulette is handled well but personally I find watching a ball spin around a real bore. There's a cap on how many chips you can buy—20,000 for walk-ins and 50,000 for VIP members. Honestly, this is probably a good idea, since you can buy casino chips with GTA cash, and you can buy GTA cash for real money, making this fake gambling, potentially, real gambling.

At the same time, though, this is a game where most players are in-game multi-millionaires, and it's hard to feel like a high-roller when you're limited to a relatively small pile of chips.

Mainly though, I'm severely disappointed in the horses and the poker.

I get why the horse racing sucks and looks fake: it's a throwback to the original Inside Track from GTA: San Andreas. Inside Track is a betting shop where CJ can put some money on the ponies, and then watch the side-scrolling race on a TV monitor. This is exactly that: janky looking horses racing from left to right and shifting positions, like the carnival game where you shoot a stream of water into a target to make your horse move. 

And it's cute, don't get me wrong. But it's hard to watch the horse races at The Diamond without thinking about the thousands of hours of programming and animation that went into the horses in Rockstar's other big game: Red Dead Redemption 2. 

All I can think is, hey, why not get those beautiful ponies in here? GTA and RDR are both cinematic experiences. Real horse racing is dreadfully exciting (if you can try not to focus on the horses getting beaten by their jockeys while they run). So, why I am watching a shitty side-scrolling horse race and not a beautiful, dramatic, cinematic, realistic horse race? Because of a throwback joke? If we can't get RDR2 on PC, can't we at least look at its horses? 

I'll grant that I'm making it sound simple when it's obviously not as easy as typing 'import RDR2_horses; set DoACoolRace==true,' but watching all the horsing around in RDR2 makes a person envious.

Even if you like the janky new Inside Track, I think we can all agree that GTA Online's poker just 100 percent completely sucks a butt. It's Three Card Poker. Three Card Poker. What the hell? Three Card Poker isn't a terrible game in and of itself, but RDR2 has actual Texas Hold 'Em. I marched into The Diamond expecting to sit down at a proper poker table in a proper poker room and lose all my money. I am incredibly disappointed (though I still lost all my money).

I haven't played RDR2 myself, but I played Red Dead Redemption and its poker was great. I used to fire up the game and play it for hours just for the poker. I can only assume RDR2's Texas Hold 'Em (which was made available in Red Dead Online a couple months ago) is good, too.

So why the heck isn't it in The Diamond, along with some sweet ponies to watch? Feels like a real missed opportunity to master horse anatomy and design proper poker for one game and then put flat horses and a casino variant in another.

GTA Online's Diamond Casino has opened its doors to the masses and their bank accounts. You can find the flashy building in Vinewood, where you'll be able to play poker, blackjack, and roulette. You can even bet on the horses. 

To start gambling, you'll need to exchange cash for chips at cashier services, though you'll also get 5000 right away for getting membership at the casino (this costs $500 of in-game currency). You'll also get free chips each day. The exchange rate is 1 chip for $1 of in-game currency, so I'm not sure why you need chips at all, but those are the rules (edit: you can seemingly only buy 50,000 chips at a time before a cooldown timer occurs). 

If you're lucky enough to win big, you can just give it all back to the casino by splashing out in the casino store, where you can buy art and golden guns. Selling firearms in a casino? Very GTA. 

If your cash is really burning a hole in your pocket, you can spend it all on The Diamond penthouse. There's an office, a media room, a spa, multiple bedrooms, a private bar—it's very fancy, and you can customise it.

Apparently it will cost you $63,548,081 (cheers, UnknownModder) to buy absolutely everything in the DLC. That's a lot of hours on the slot machines. They're pretty cool slot machines, though. Some of them have moustaches!

Twitch Prime subscribers who connected their Rockstar Social Club accounts before the 19th get $1.5 million off any penthouse, so you can pick up the most basic one for free. You'll need to log in, log out and then log in again to get your Prime bonus. Everyone else will need to make a lot of cash in the casino or do some more crimes. 

The casino has actually been around since GTA 5 launched, and it's been 'opening soon' for around six years. Go try your luck now. 

GTA Online's Diamond Casino & Resort opens its doors to the world tomorrow, July 23, offering patrons the finest in high-flyin', stylin', and profilin' luxury in a Master Penthouse suite that comes complete with Silver Status VIP Membership. That gets you the exclusive "She's Loaded" artwork to hang in your new abode, and a swanky Diamond Classic t-shirt to hang on yourself. But if you want more—and if you're willing to work for it—then your adventure is only beginning.

Silver Status members who help casino owner Tao Cheng fend off the unwelcome advances of wealthy, corrupt Texans by completing the second co-op mission will be upgraded to Gold Status, which unlocks a new livery for the Truffade Thrax supercar and a matching t-shirt. Do a solid for casino head of operations Agatha Baker (five of them, technically) and you'll be bumped up to Platinum Status, with a Lucky 7s Tattoo and the Kronos Ära Watch—and you'll earn some GTA$ and casino chips in the process.

Diamond Status is reserved for players who go all in: Platinum members who complete all casino-related co-op missions will be given a livery for the Annis S80RR supercar, while those who host all the casino-related missions will get one "for a highly coveted brand-new vehicle." Do both, get both, and be counted among the elite: "Work together to host and participate in the complete mission strand to unlock both," Rockstar said.

Like all good things in life, the rewards program is time-limited. You've got from the casino opening—July 23, remember—until August 7 to wrap it up. Rewards will be delivered between August 8-13. Full details are available from Rockstar.

GTA Online's Diamond Casino & Resort is finally going to open its doors next week—July 23, to be specific—with poker, blackjack, roulette, slot machines, ponies, and even penthouse suites. And you link your Rockstar Social Club account to your Twitch Prime account (with some haste), you'll get free access to one of your very own.

The purchase price of penthouse suites hasn't been revealed so we can't say what this offer is actually worth, but given that it may be one of those, "If you have to ask, you can't afford it" kind of deals, my guess is that we're not talking about chump change here. And penthouses aren't just a nice place to hang your hat: Owning one also confers VIP casino membership, which includes a parking garage and valet, champagne service, high-limit gambling tables, and access to an exclusive VIP lounge.

It's also not the only reason to link your account, as you'll also pick up GTA$1.25 million, and receive 15 percent in bonus GTA$ on all Shark Cash Card purchases. A Shark Card worth GTA$1.25 million goes for $20 on Steam, so that alone probably makes it worth the hassle of connecting your accounts.

And it's not really much of a hassle: Log into your Twitch Prime account, log into your Rockstar Social Club account and then click where it tells you. "Certain restrictions and details apply," as it says in the fine print—the full details are available from Twitch.

(Were you wondering where that song in the Diamond Casino & Resort trailer comes from?)