The calendar experts at Valve were pretty "steamed" at us this morning, even after we broke out that great pun you just read. According to them, Portal 2 is actually getting unlocked on Steam at 7AM PST, not EST. According to us, they told us 7AM EST and are now backtracking to cover their butts. Either way, there's a chance the game might be delayed by three hours while we work this out.
Over the last few weeks, we've gotten quite a few enticing reasons to pre-invest in Aperture Laboratories: from the planks of tomorrow, to test-optimized bots, to the last word in pre-emptive defense, the Home Safety Turret. Today marks Aperture's fourth and final Investment Opportunity video, and if it doesn't get you reaching for your special investment wallet, you wouldn't know a can't-miss opportunity if it was staring you in the face, yelling at you about boots.
Now, as CEO and founder of Aperture Cave Johnson explains, there've been a few hiccups getting the years-in-production Long Fall Boot out of R&D and onto the assembly line. But now that we're seeing these boots in action, we're convinced that's it's among one of Aperture's safer products.
Aperture's documentary video game, Portal 2, will be available for purchase on Steam 7:00AM EST, April 19th, but savvy consumers might want to invest in game futures by pre-ordering Portal 2 now.
Like words? Ore are you more a fan of pictures? Don't worry, there's something for everyone to enjoy in the conclusion of Valve's new comic, Portal 2: Lab Rat, which is now available for your reading and/or picture-looking pleasure.
Also of note for time-keeping enthusiasts: the calendar experts here at Valve have crunched some numbers, and have conclusively decided on 7AM EST, April 19th, 2011, as the exact moment that Portal 2 will be available on Steam. That means you've got a finite and rapidly shrinking window for being able to tell your friends, "Oh, is Portal 2 out now? I wouldn't know. Because I pre-ordered it." Look us in the eye and tell us this isn't something you'd like to be able to tell your friends. You still can.
Part 1 of Valve's new comic, Portal 2: Lab Rat, is now available! It bridges the gap between the events of Portal and Portal 2! What are you waiting for? CLICK HERE!
Wait, hold on: There's also an interview about the making of the comic that you can visit after you read the comic, which you should be doing right now instead of reading the rest of this sentence which is only leading to another link to the comic.
This week's reason to pre-invest in Aperture Laboratories: CEO and founder Cave Johnson's announcement that the applied sciences company is making its military-grade turret line available to consumers. The first, last and most scientific word in personal defense, the Home Safety Turret should be a hot seller when Aperture goes public April 19th.
Aperture was kind enough to send us a prototype Home Safety Turret in an effort to "sweeten the pot" (Cave's words) for any potential investors here at Valve. We're still leafing through its 33,000-page instruction manual, most of which seems to be "hold harmless" clauses releasing Aperture from any responsibility in the use, unpackaging, cleaning, reloading, holding or entering the proximity of its product.
We'll be sure to give you an update the second we get it up and running. In the meantime, why not pre-invest today?
Another week, another unassailable argument why scrappy applied sciences company Aperture Laboratories is the place to put your investment dollars this April 19th, 2011. In this week's informational video, CEO and founder Cave Johnson explains why robots'll get you the biggest bang for your testing dollar.
We here at Valve are pretty excited about the implications of non-human test subjects. We do a lot of playtesting, so this should give us a better idea of how to market and sell directly to robots. Let's face it: robots don't need houses. They don't eat food. Heck, they don't even pay taxes -- they're not people! That's a lot of disposable game-buying income just sitting there in giant metallic wallets. Wallets that themselves transform. Into even more money.
Speaking of money, invest yours today in Aperture Science. Why? Watch and find out.
Normally when we check our email in the morning, we quickly delete the appeals for money from deposed Nigerian princes; amazing deals on off-brand Canadian pharmaceuticals; and poorly spelled requests for our Steam passwords from Gabe Newell's Russian freemail account. So we almost ended up missing this latest investment opportunity from up-and-coming applied sciences company Aperture Laboratories.
According to their press release, you'll be able to find out more about them April 19th, when they go public with their documentary video game Portal 2. Until then, though, and every week leading up to April 19th, they'll be sending out informational videos for potential investors like you, showcasing the many lucrative products they have in development. We've posted the first of four below.
If you're like us, you've gotten burned in the past on shady panel investments. But judging from that clip, this one's the real deal. Call your broker, and don't forget to check back next Tuesday for another step in obtaining your Aperture Science license to print money.
Maybe you hate crowds. Possibly you dislike air travel. Maybe you've got a thing about people dropping the "r" sound at the ends of their syllables. Whatever your reasons, you might not have made it out to Boston this past weekend for PAX East, and so didn't get a chance to drop by the Portal 2 booth and check out all the exclusive new game footage and announcements.
"Announcements?" you ask, your eyebrow arching slightly. That's right. This past Friday, we announced the addition of the incredibly talented J.K. Simmons (who you might know better as J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, or as Juno's dad in Juno) to the cast, as Aperture Science founder and CEO Cave Johnson.
Last Friday, we guaranteed you a Valentine with our Aperture-brand "Classy Romance" cards. We solved that problem for you--but now you've got an even bigger one. It's Valentine's Day, and you owe your newly-special someone a truly special gift.
Don't worry, we've got you covered. We don't want to give it away, so we'll just say that you'd better hand-sanitize your lips, because they're in for a lot of smooching, and FACT: mouths are filthy.