This week's reason to pre-invest in Aperture Laboratories: CEO and founder Cave Johnson's announcement that the applied sciences company is making its military-grade turret line available to consumers. The first, last and most scientific word in personal defense, the Home Safety Turret should be a hot seller when Aperture goes public April 19th.
Aperture was kind enough to send us a prototype Home Safety Turret in an effort to "sweeten the pot" (Cave's words) for any potential investors here at Valve. We're still leafing through its 33,000-page instruction manual, most of which seems to be "hold harmless" clauses releasing Aperture from any responsibility in the use, unpackaging, cleaning, reloading, holding or entering the proximity of its product.
We'll be sure to give you an update the second we get it up and running. In the meantime, why not pre-invest today?
Another week, another unassailable argument why scrappy applied sciences company Aperture Laboratories is the place to put your investment dollars this April 19th, 2011. In this week's informational video, CEO and founder Cave Johnson explains why robots'll get you the biggest bang for your testing dollar.
We here at Valve are pretty excited about the implications of non-human test subjects. We do a lot of playtesting, so this should give us a better idea of how to market and sell directly to robots. Let's face it: robots don't need houses. They don't eat food. Heck, they don't even pay taxes -- they're not people! That's a lot of disposable game-buying income just sitting there in giant metallic wallets. Wallets that themselves transform. Into even more money.
Speaking of money, invest yours today in Aperture Science. Why? Watch and find out.
Normally when we check our email in the morning, we quickly delete the appeals for money from deposed Nigerian princes; amazing deals on off-brand Canadian pharmaceuticals; and poorly spelled requests for our Steam passwords from Gabe Newell's Russian freemail account. So we almost ended up missing this latest investment opportunity from up-and-coming applied sciences company Aperture Laboratories.
According to their press release, you'll be able to find out more about them April 19th, when they go public with their documentary video game Portal 2. Until then, though, and every week leading up to April 19th, they'll be sending out informational videos for potential investors like you, showcasing the many lucrative products they have in development. We've posted the first of four below.
If you're like us, you've gotten burned in the past on shady panel investments. But judging from that clip, this one's the real deal. Call your broker, and don't forget to check back next Tuesday for another step in obtaining your Aperture Science license to print money.
Maybe you hate crowds. Possibly you dislike air travel. Maybe you've got a thing about people dropping the "r" sound at the ends of their syllables. Whatever your reasons, you might not have made it out to Boston this past weekend for PAX East, and so didn't get a chance to drop by the Portal 2 booth and check out all the exclusive new game footage and announcements.
"Announcements?" you ask, your eyebrow arching slightly. That's right. This past Friday, we announced the addition of the incredibly talented J.K. Simmons (who you might know better as J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, or as Juno's dad in Juno) to the cast, as Aperture Science founder and CEO Cave Johnson.
Last Friday, we guaranteed you a Valentine with our Aperture-brand "Classy Romance" cards. We solved that problem for you--but now you've got an even bigger one. It's Valentine's Day, and you owe your newly-special someone a truly special gift.
Don't worry, we've got you covered. We don't want to give it away, so we'll just say that you'd better hand-sanitize your lips, because they're in for a lot of smooching, and FACT: mouths are filthy.