PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to The Walking Dead – Episode 2 review">the walking dead episode 2 review



Finishing an episode of The Walking Dead is the same feeling I get flipping the final page of a novel. It’s a confluence of resolution and reflection, a slow-developing brain Polaroid that’s handed to you after a flash of gameplay. TWD’s episodes are just two hours and change, but I think that brevity’s an asset for gamers (and gaming editors) that don’t have a lot of time on their hands. It feels great to finish something in a single sitting.



Don't fret! Our review is spoiler-free.







One of my favorite aspects of the series’ introductory episode was the way it managed to explore new territory while echoing TWD’s themes. We met the main character, Lee Everett in the backseat of a police car, instead of as a policeman. He has to protect a child, but the child isn’t his. Starved For Help is slightly less successful at that, partly because it sends the cast to a location that—even with variations on the situation and cast composition—is very familiar.



That’s also true of the problems faced: security, food, and how to interact with other survivors. To anyone that’s a fan of zombie fiction, Episode 2 feels like Apocalypse 101; it retreads some of the lessons learned by the comic book and TV show cast, which makes the ep. feel a little less like its own, original journey.



There's a deficit of newness in that regard, but the story itself and the presentation of tough decisions are both handled well. None of the “this is a moment where you can die” gameplay sequences from Episode 1 are repurposed, and a particularly-tense one has you using a moving object for cover. The performances are generally great, too. Terry McGovern’s voicing of TWD’s always-angry Larry managed to make me sympathize with a character that did nothing but hate me.





Elbow in the ribs

A few things do get telegraphed by the dialogue, including the terrific climax of the episode. This is a delicate thing—Telltale has a need to build suspense and give hints, but there were a few instances where exposition was inches outside of feeling natural. The worst offense was when one party member suggested “Don’t wait too long to help scope out . It’d be a good opportunity to find out a bit more about and their relationship to , or whatever.” There’re also moments of dialogue that feel like sudden mood swings. In one instance, a party member accused me of not supporting him when that’s all I’d done in the previous episode.



Minor technical issues like frame stuttering are still here, too. I had to implement a weird solution—running the game in Win98 compatibility mode—on my home PC (but not my work PC) to get it to start. Limitations of the engine were also more apparent to me in this episode. All thresholds—doors, gates, and so on—have to be clicked on to cross; it’s a noticeable shortcoming of the engine that I can’t just use the motion of my character to walk through a gate in an outdoor scene. Stealth sections animate also awkwardly: you press W—and only W—to move forward on an invisible rail.



This is a pile of small complaints, though. They reflect why I like the second episode less than the first, but Telltale is still producing one of the most captivating, interesting, and relatable stories in gaming. Ep. 2’s ending is a wonderful payoff, and Telltale threw a ton of unique animations and custom lighting into a drama-dense, minutes-long finale.
Jul 30, 2012
PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Orcs Must Die 2 review">Orcs Must Die 2 thumbnail







Orcs must be shot, burnt, stabbed, crushed, impaled, frozen, catapaulted, dissolved in acid, turned into chickens, or forced to murder each other. They must die, and specifically they must die between leaving a large set of double doors and reaching a magical portal. You can cause this through a combination of placing traps and shooting them yourself. In fact, you must.





Orcs Must Die 2 is a cross between a tower defense game and a third person shooter, and like its predecessor, it is excellent. This is not a coincidence: it's a bunch of new enemies, traps, weapons and game modes for the same underlying game. The major change is what felt like Orcs Must Die's most obvious omission: 2-player co-op.



The challenge and the pleasure of the original was in constructing a perfect killzone: the exact combination of traps and barriers that inflict the maximum possible dying on the maximum possible orcs. In co-op, inevitably, that's tough: funds are split between the two of you, and you're usually going to have different ideas about how they should be spent. But the map design almost always gives you more than one stream of orcs to intercept, so you tackle half of them each.







My side of the map is lined with Acid Sprayers and guarded by Paladins, who keep the hordes busy while they get their flesh hosed off. My partner Matt's side hangs heavy with swinging maces, and the floor is a sea of debilitating gloop. Inevitably one of us gets overwhelmed, and the other falls back to help finish off the orcs that slip through.



That's great fun. But it's also the cause of the game's biggest problem: co-op isn't a separate campaign, and most of the later maps feel like they were designed for two players. Some have six entry points and two portals to protect, and orcs can come from a new route with only a few seconds' notice. Alone, it's a mad stress to try to divide your attention and resources between all of these, and some levels seem impossible to do well without help.







It exacerbates one of the first game's problems: too little information about what's coming. You're forewarned about enemy types, but not proportions or distribution, which leads to a painful amount of trial and error. I played one map perfectly for 40 minutes, then failed it outright when the final wave included a huge number of fire-proof enemies. A few of my traps were fire-based, and that dooms you on this particular map. Start again.



It's less frustrating once you've unlocked enough equipment to have the luxury of restrategising. All of the traps, weapons, perks and upgrades are now unlocked with a single unified system: earn skulls for good performance, spend skulls to unlock or improve things. It's much more compelling than the weird mix the first game used, and being able to earn better kit by grinding the new Endless mode or re-doing previous maps mitigates the balance problems.







The array of kit on offer is massive, the range of upgrades for each is exciting, and you'll be unlocking great new stuff long after you finish the campaign. My new favourite is the Polymorph weapon: it can permanently transform any enemy into something random. Sometimes that's an even tougher enemy, other times it's a chicken. So keep doing it until it's a chicken.



I'm itching to play again once I finish this. If you have someone to team up with, get it without hesitation. If you don't, hesitate slightly, then notice it's only £12/$15 and get it anyway.
PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Dawnguard PC info coming “later this week”">Dawnguard







Last week Bethesda VP of marketing Pete Hines had us a little bit worried when he said last week that Bethesda "have not announced Dawnguard for any other platform." Follow up messages suggested that the tweet was designed to diffuse expectations of an imminent Dawnguard release on PC and PS3, but it was all a bit vague.



This post on Blue's News suggests that the situation will be resolved shortly. In a response to a twitter question asking if Dawnguard has been cancelled for PC, Hines reiterated that "nothing has been said/announced about it," but added that "we should have info later this week."



"Just sit tight," he tweets in response to another Dawnguard PC cancellation query. "We'll have info soon."



Dawnguard's been out for a month on the Xbox. We exposed Andy to the console build, and he came back with ten reasons be excited about Dawnguard.
PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to League of Legends patch trailer rolls back Rumble, upgrades Urgot, boosts Cho’Gath">League of Legends ChoGath







The early-August League of Legends patch is on the way, bringing a few key balance changes to three champions, including League of Legends veteran, Cho'Gath. That's him in the picture above. Normally there's a bit more flesh on him, but he's obviously not worried about that. In fact, he's positively delighted. That's because a change to his ability cooldowns will soon make him a more efficient murderer when the next big update lands. A new video spotted by Evil Avatar explains the incoming changes, and the reasoning behind all that rebalancing.



PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Baldur’s Gate Enhanced Edition will have cross platform co-op">Baldur's Gate Enhanced Edition







Imagine playing a bit of Baldur's gate with a friend sat a hundred miles away on their couch playing along on an iPad. That combination of futuristic cross-platform sorcery and D&D-fuelled nostalgia will become a reality this September when Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition arrives. "Bgee will have co-op multiplayer and will work across platforms" tweets creative director Trent Oster. "iPad can play with Android, Mac and PC. On happy gaming family:-)" D'awww.



According to the Baldur's Gate Enhanced Edition site, there will be matchmaking for multiplayer sessions, which will presumably lump characters together based on their level. It's available to pre-purchase now for $19.99. Buying early will let you pre-load the files and jump in as soon as the Enhanced Edition is released on September 18. But how does it look? Check out the screenshots below to find out.



#bgee will have co-op multiplayer and will work across platforms.iPad can play with Android, Mac and PC.On happy gaming family:-)— Trent Oster (@TrentOster) July 29, 2012























PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Uplay security risk spotted, Ubisoft “looking into” the issue now">Assassin's Creed 2







There's troubling news on RPS regarding a potential security risk associated with Ubisoft's Uplay plugin software that could allow hackers to remotely install programs onto your PC. The problem seems to centre around the Uplay browser plugin, which is easily disabled. In Chrome, search for about:plugins and disable Uplay. In Firefox, head to tools - add ons - plugins and then disable Uplay and the UPlay PC Hub. To be safe, you might want to consider deleting Uplay and related programs from your PC.



The problem is detailed on Hacker News, which exposes a backdoor thread that allows a website to install and run programs remotely. We've contacted Ubisoft for comment and they're "looking into" the problem. We'll update with any further statements. Meanwhile, here's a list of Uplay associated games that you might want to steer clear of until we know exactly how serious the problem is.



Update: Ubisoft have sent over a statement saying that they've patched the problem out. Here it is:



“We have made a forced patch to correct the flaw in the browser plug-in for the Uplay PC application that was brought to our attention earlier today. We recommend that all Uplay users update their Uplay PC application without a Web browser open. This will allow the plug-in to update correctly. An updated version of the Uplay PC installer with the patch also is available from Uplay.com.



Ubisoft takes security issues very seriously, and we will continue to monitor all reports of vulnerabilities within our software and take swift action to resolve such issues.”



Assassin's Creed II

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin's Creed: Project Legacy

Assassin's Creed Revelations

Beowulf: The Game

Brothers in Arms: Furious 4

Call of Juarez: The Cartel

Driver: San Francisco

Heroes of Might and Magic VI

Just Dance 3

Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

Pure Football

R.U.S.E.

Shaun White Skateboarding

Silent Hunter 5: Battle of the Atlantic

The Settlers 7: Paths to a Kingdom

Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X. 2

Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Future Soldier

Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction

Your Shape: Fitness Evolved
PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Minecraft mod adds beautiful lighting and water">Minecraft Sonic Ether mod







External visualiser programs do a wonderful job of turning Minecraft's worlds into beautifully lit landscapes, as these images from the Westeros Game of Thrones project demonstrate, but wouldn't it be nice to get some of that sparkle into the game in real time? Allow Cody Darr aka Sonic Ether to help with that. IGN spotted a video of the latest version of his mod, Sonic Ether's Unbelievable Shaders, which brings lovely lighting and water effects to Minecraft. Take a closer look at the sunsets, sun beams, morning and evening lighting and rippling, reflective water in the video and screenshots below. You can download the latest version from the Sonic Ether Facebook page.



Check out our mod round-up for a collection of our 25 favourite Minecraft mods so far.











































PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Awesomenauts release date revealed, it’s Wednesday">Awesomenauts







Colourful 2D MOBA Awesomenauts will arrive on PC this Wednesday, according to the game's updated Steam page. That'll give us the chance to break the deadlock in a never-ending robot war using a monkey in a jetpack, widely recognised as the cutest way to forcibly instil peace on a region. Unfrotunately, there are other heroes out there waiting to stop you, which only means MORE war. Will the monkeys in jetpacks never learn? Check out the trailer below for a dose of cheery Awesomenauts charm, and be sure to absorb the theme song.



PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Dota 2 patch boosts bots, tweaks attack desire, defend desire, Roshan desire">Dota 2 Roshan







There is no desire more potent than Roshan desire as Dota 2's bots learned this weekend with the arrival of a new patch designed to make them smarter. Their eagerness to take on the giant lizard monster deep in Dota 2's jungle will now be dependent on their proximity to said giant lizard monster. If you kill Roshan three times, he drops "cheese." It's best not to contemplate what exactly this "cheese" is, but I like to think that it's a vessel designed to trap Roshan's raging soul in the confines of a highly portable dairy product. A Roshan Babybel, essentially.



Understandably, bots have been reluctant to eat this "cheese," until this latest patch. This is a good change for them, though, as the Roshan Babybel delivers an unrivalled instantaneous boost to health and mana when consumed. Discover more about the tweaks to Dota 2's bots, and scan the latest bug fixes in the latest patch notes below.



GAMEPLAY

- Fixed being able to miss Vendetta

- Fixed Meld sometimes not hitting if you moved quickly after attacking

- Fixed some FOW issues with Spirit Form Illuminate

- Fixed Soul Assumption gaining charges from Illusions

- Fixed some movement formation issues with Familiars

- Fixed Stone Form stun not going off if a Familiar died while casting it



DOTA 2 BOTS

- Fixed bots never using Cheese.

- Fixed bots never using TPs to get back to base.

- Bots will no longer figure out illusions based on the damage the potential illusion is doing.

- Lowered bot farm desire at low health.

- Lowered retreat desire just to pick up items.

- Added a mild distance factor to Roshan desire.

- Baseline push desire is now calculated using the opposing team's total offensive power rather than a constant value (so bots will want more power later in games).

- Bots now just want to equalize power when defending, rather than overwhelm.

- Capped maximum defend desire so that it doesn't trump their attack desire.
PC Gamer
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title="Permanent Link to Saturday Crapshoot: Summer Games">sg_head







Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, sport! Sport, sport, sporty sport. Yes. Because we all love sport. Sport is the best thing ever. Especially the completely unofficial kind.



"Good evening sports-fans, my name is Chet Wanamaker..."



"And I'm Borpney McGee. We're here live for the opening of the Epyx Absolutely Definitely Not Associated With Any Other Games, here in sunny... would you say it's sunny, Chet?"



"Sunny? I don't know. Honestly, I'm trying to keep my eyes closed."



"Yup, that'll be the CGA, folks. Four colours to choose from, and the electronic gods saw fit to make two of them magenta and cyan. I pray for a swift death that will never come, or at the very least, EGA."



"We all pray for your swift death, Borpney. But try to hold out until after the sport, okay? We've got a lot of events to get through tonight, and some of them actually look like what they're meant to be."







"Just to be clear, Chet, we're not actually watching a specific worldwide sporting event whose operators have somehow managed to clamp down on even mentioning its name in unapproved contexts?"



"Absolutely not, my friend, and as the Epyx torch is carried to the Epyx flame to kick off these Epyx games, I can't see how anyone would mis-identify these with anything else. Say, what're you reading?"



"This little thing? It's a collection of intriguing facts about the world's mountains. Did you know that Mount Olympus in Greece has 52 peaks and rises to a height of 2,917 metres?"



"That's quite an unrelated Olympian fact you've got there there, Borpney. Almost doesn't even remind me of that incredibly flaccid porn movie you 'accidentally' rented in our hotel last night."



"Oh! Limp Dicks? Chet, come on. I told you I mislaid my glasses."



"Indeed, and also your pants."



"They were in the pocket!"



"The point here folks is that this is absolutely 100% an original sporting event, and any resemblance to any other sporting event living or dead is purely coincidental."



"Absolutely. We now go live to the grounds for the opening ceremony."







"So, Chet, tell us about this opening ceremony. Am I right in thinking that this year's events have been choreographed by a famous Silicon Valley director?"



"I believe so, Borpney. They say he's the director of such classic cut-scenes as All Your Base Are Belong To Us and that bit in Police Quest where all the cops just kind of ignore the stripper to make a point about how police work is a noble profession and animation is hard. This presentation has been in the works for two years at a cost of $2,000,000 in real money."



"That's a lot of zeros, my friend, though I'm not sure they're on the right side of the 2 - we should probably check that out at some point. Either way, I understand the theme of the ceremony will be 'Eternity'. The finest musicians in the world competed for the honour of composing the theme, with names ranging from Leisure Suit Larry to the caveman in Frak! in the running for the starring role as 'The Guy.' Truly, this will be a symbol of what simulated nations can do, and a mark of pride for all who-"



"Ssssh, now. A hushed silence has come over the crowd. A guy at the back trying to start a Mexican wave has been thrown to the ground for a disciplinary head-stamping. I do believe... yes! Yes, they're ready to go. Houston, we have spectacularly badly compressed Sport."







"My only regret is that I cannot tear my eyes out right now to avoid ever polluting that memory."



"I know, my friend. I know. It's as if a million voices were forced to try and use Windows 8 to convert what should have been some basic video late in the evening, only to have it play the silliest of silly buggers. Still, special credit to the band, I think. Fifteen cans of baked beans, just to make absolutely sure they could fart out the musical accompaniment on cue. And to Mr. John Woo of course for donating the entire army of trained birds to fly that loop around the stadium. Funny story; after the events, they will all be killed and fed to the army of smelly unemployed layabouts brought in to ensure the games were ready on time. A nice treat for them, before they are banished from our sights."



"Charity begins at home, they say. I think we'll all be glad when they get back to theirs."







"What sporting goodness do we have for the people today then, Chet? Diving? Judo? Footage of the audience at the women's volleyball trying to look as though they actually bought their tickets out of an appreciation for sport when they see a camera swinging past them?"



"Always a laugh, Borpney, but no. Today, we're looking at the classics - events that the Ancient Greeks themselves would have applauded as the pinnacle of the art, if not for that great misunderstanding."



"That's right, Chet. As we all know, the legendary Lost Aristophanes revealed that getting athletes to run naked was not in fact a tribute to the gods but a hilarious prank by the rather geekier organisers to see if jocks really were gullible enough to go running around with their willies flapping."



"As far as anyone listening to this is aware, that is quite true. Did you also know that when they complained, it became permitted to wear a kynodesme penis-restraint made of leather to keep all the bits from bouncing? It was supposed to be a little pink bow, but the priest responsible for telling the athletes how to tie it around their scrotums to make them look like little faces couldn't stop giggling."



"My, my. I feel like I'm learning something, even though I absolutely am not."







"What is this first sport then, Chet? Also, where did the sun go?"



"This is the Triple Jump, and clearly Zeus is angry. More importantly though, this is the first chance for the Great Britain team to show their stuff. They've been practicing for this moment for entire minutes to get a grip on the intricacies of this event."



"Fascinating. It looks like they're adopting a proto-QWOP method of running-"



"Cack-handedly going out of control almost immediately?"



"Exactly. I haven't seen carnage like this since the days of the Destroyer."



"Daley Thompson. The one man joystick-wrecking machine."



"Just so. It's a sad fact that even the finest cheap plastic joystick can only take so much waggling before it can waggle no more, or a bit breaks off and takes someone's eye out."



"A moment of silence for the fallen."



...



"That was enough. So, a bad performance for the Great Britain team. A vague hop over the first... what is the first line thing on the ground called in a triple jump, exactly?"



"A 'line on the ground', I believe is the technical term. From the French 'une thingy sur le gronde'."



"Sounds about right. A vague hop over the first thing, then a crashing, humiliating landing in the sandpit. That's a Fault for Great Britain, though there's still a chance they can salvage this and pull into second place. Specifically, because no other teams have bothered entering this contest."



"Default is the worst kind of victory. It's how the bank won my house."







"Equestrian, Chet. The most misunderstood of all events."



"Absolutely, Borpney. At first glance, it might look like all the Great Britain team is doing is running horses straight into obstacles and blaming it on bad controls-"



"It's a bad workman who blames their tools. Even if they're made of jam."



"Jam?"



"It's what we call jelly over in America, where we are from, yo."



"I see. Anyhoo, I think of this as more of a moral fable. If the horses didn't want to break their legs and be turned into glue, they should have the common sense to just jump when they see the thing coming and ignore the idiot on their back who thinks they know better than it how to use its limbs."



"Interestingly, you'll note that this year, the horses are being provided by our sponsor My Little Pony. Little girls everywhere can enjoy the sight of these beautiful creatures demonstrating their power and grace, then join the party at home with the My Little Pony Friends Together Racing Set, the My Little Pony Cuddle Stable, and the brand new My Little Pony Knackers Yard."



"Pony in one end, glittery pink Pritt-Stick out the other. It's educational, and useful if you need to stick something to something else! Available in all good toy stores near you, along with Microwave Me Barbie and the Flabbie Kidz home liposuction kit that fits on the end of any standard vacuum."



"It's never too early to start conforming to unrealistic societal expectations, Chet."







"What are you writing over there, Chet?"



"That'd be a suicide note, Borpney. Sign here."



"Oh, you. Folks, it's time for everyone's favourite event that we actually have in the frankly anemic selection of sports, and not including kayaking because that one just sucks."



"Ah, yes, fencing. I'll be honest, I got into this much more when they switched the boring old metal swords for lightsabers. And when they added the robot opponents, even better!"



"I couldn't agree more. We may inadvertently be dooming ourselves to a hideous future of rapier-wielding robots who can best our finest athletes, but if the world has to end, at least it'll end with robots."



"Again, the Great British team seems to be struggling in this one. Do you think it's a lack of training, or simply the strain of trying to see what's going on through the hazy four-colour hell we consider reality?"



"Could be, Chet. If you ask me though-"



"I did."



"Then I'd better answer because otherwise I might seem rude. The big problem with this, as with other events, is a deep lack of consistency. Every event of course has its own specific needs and thus can never play out precisely the same, but here they're all so different that it's difficult to jump from one to the other. Would it hurt to have more unification; a series of controls, or even flashed explanations? I realise things used to be different, and these events are from a different time-"



"1985 to be exact."



"Just so. But even at the time, these were clunky controls. Especially for anyone who has not been trained in the sporting arts though some form of 'manual' - perhaps due to having acquired their ticket to the Games through... shall we say less authorised sources than the average LOCOG lottery."



"Confusion is the ultimate DRM. Though we should note that any kids in the playground wanted to pass on copies of these events will find it more complicated than in most games."



"Indeed. A rare example of a PC game on a bootable floppy rather than an executable. That rather breaks the already tortured metaphor we have here, but I don't think anyone is going to notice."



"Only for this season's event, of course. For the World Games that will follow for example, things will be back to normal and nobody will need risk typing commands that started with FORMAT on their Dad's work computer. A very understanding move from Epyx, really, which will no doubt help its popularity grow over the coming years. I hope their trust in their fans was duly reward-"



"They're going to go bankrupt in 1989."



"Oh. Well, I'm sure they'll create many great achievements before-"



"They'll be the the guys behind the Atari Lynx."



"..."



"So anyway, what's our final event?"







"Chet, unless my eyes deceive me, I am looking at kayaking."



"That is correct, you are."



"Why am I looking at Kayaking?"



"Do you have some objection to kayaking?"



"Kayaking, not so much. Kayaking however..."



"It looks like a perfectly enjoyable event. For a blue and purple eyesore."



"Call me Mr. Picky-"



"You're Mr. Picky."



"-but when I think of kayaking, actual kayaking, there are certain things I think help the authenticity of the experience. Water that actually moves for instance, and is not simply described as "whitewater" in the hope that anyone kayaking upon it will be so convinced that they'll start making 'whooooooosh!' noises and feeling seasick, when in fact they skate upon a blue platter of, to use a technical term here, sweet bugger all. It does not even pretend to understand the concept of motion. It is watered down water; homeopathic H2O at its most generous. I want a river. This is, at most, sweat."



"You sound offended by this. Is it something to do with you being 2/3 water yourself?"



"My Carbon American heritage has nothing to do with this. Do you know how they compensate for putting a plastic sheet down instead of actual water? They just mess up the athletes' controls so that you spend more time swearing at the screen than noticing the failure to flow. And normally I'd find that funny. But here, there is nothing quite so frustrating to watch as a boat stuck between two blocks for what feels like hours, all so that everyone gets to feel they finished a complete Olympic-"



"Ahem!"



"-breakfast and then turned up here to complete a full series at the Non-Afilliated Summer Games. This is a time vampire. It is a blight on the entire world! If I could load it into a rocket and shoot it into the sun, my only reason not to would be fear of spreading its dark putrescence amongst its plasma, darkening it to a deathly black tomb and dooming us all. But I would do it anyway!"



"Out of interest, are all your friends better at this event than you are?"



"I WILL CRUSH THEIR BONES IN STREET FIGHTER II AND GRIND THE BITS INTO FLOUR AND BAKE A BAGUETTE OF HATE THAT I WILL USE TO BEAT THEIR FAMILIES TO DEATH!"



"Oh, you. Remember folks, games don't cause violence; assholes do. We'll be right back."







"And we're back. Borpney, how was your sedative?"



"Banana!"



"Splendid. Well, we've had a great day here at the Summer Games, which has included at least two nights for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with the strange green gas leaking into the commentary booth and making the world smell of pickles."



"Indeed so, Chet. Of course, we've missed a few events, including the High Jump, Javelin, Rowing and Cycling, but I think it's fair to say you didn't miss anything."



"Boring like a diamond tipped drill, yes."



"All that remains is the moment everyone who hasn't already gone home has been waiting for - the epic Epyx closing ceremony. Can the organisers ever top that torch lighting ceremony? Will the video compression be any better than last time? Let's find out!"







"Borpney, a few years ago, I was walking down the street in the pouring rain when I heard a plaintive sound from a dustbin. Do you know what I did?"



"Kept walking?"



"Oh that I had. No, I went over to it, and I lifted the lid. Inside, I saw a mother cat and her kittens, shivering and hungry; hugging against the festering remains of an old roast chicken in the desperate hope that the movement of the maggots inside would provide a tiny little bit of warmth. They looked up at me with big eyes, and I knew that I was their only hope for salvation. I picked up the first kitten to put into my pocket, but no sooner had I done so, its eyes closed. Shut. Forever."



"Oh no."



"The second kitten purred gently, but lasted little longer. I looked down at the mother cat, not sure if the dampness in her eyes came from the rain or tears, or even if a cat could cry. I'm sorry, I whispered down. I did what I could. Do you want me to take you to the vet? I can take you to the vet? But no. She too was gone. I closed the lid on the bin, and I walked away into the night."



"Where are you going with this horrible story?"



"Until I saw that jetpack guy, that was the saddest thing I had ever seen in my life. Now there is a new champion. That wave. Gah! I have never so much wanted to see a man hit with a firework and fall to the ground. Though I'm sure he'd have done it in the shape of an advert for World Games."



"Maybe next time, Chet. That's all from us for today though. So from me, Borpney McGee-"



"- and me, Chet Wanamaker, donating my fee to the Cats Protection League-"



"Goodnight."



"Goodnight."



"Kayaking is still shit."
...