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Ahoy, buoys and gulls, it s almost Docktober 31st, and that means it s time for the Fifth Annual Team Fortress Tort-urous Halloween Special, which this year is based entirely around the terrifyingly complex legal questions that haunt maritime law. AWOOOOOOOO! [Sound of receiving a jury summons]
And that horrifying description of an obviously terrible idea for a Halloween update an idea so dreadful that we gave up on it almost fourteen hours ago was just the FIRST of this year s many spine-chilling, spine-tingling, all-around spinal cord-injuring shocks. We have one word of advice to those of you who survived our previous four Halloween Specials: Stop lying. These updates will kill you GUARANTEED! [sound of our lawyers reading that sentence]
This year's Scream Fortress map is Helltower, a Payload Race variation, with at least one major difference: You're all powerful magicians. Everybody gets a spellbook gifted to them automatically, which you can equip in your Action Slot in order to pick up and cast spells. The team that wins the race will be granted a buff for the final climactic battle, where you will fight for the ultimate Halloween reward: Your own lives. And a reward.
So, fear fans, it s time to put aside your precious laws of the sea, because this year anything can happen. Ghosts? Yes! Forbidden magic? Yes! Skeletons? Oh, yes. A Hellmouth? Obviously. A corpse? Yours. Really? Check your pulse. The murderer? You. Anyway, we d love to sit here and shock you to death all day, but the update s live.
It's almost awards season, and that can only mean one thing: For the next two months people from Hollywood are going to give each other spray-painted trophies and play music in the middle of one another's acceptance speeches. And when all the dust settles, all the Steven Spielbergs and Tom Hankses of the world will look down at their dumb little statuettes and think, "I wish I'd gotten a Saxxy."
Well, too bad, Tom Hanks, because you're not getting one. (Even if you submit an entry; that's how hard-line our no-Tom-Hanks-trophy stance is.) As for everybody else, though, a Saxxy could be yours. But not unless you submit an entry, so get cracking, because the entry date's fast approaching!
Head over to the SFM website for a more complete breakdown of dates and contest rules!