The Sims™ 3 - contact@rockpapershotgun.com (Nate Crowley)

Happy Birthday the ‘The Sims‘ series! You re 20 years old today, which means you re finally old enough to throw an old boot full of soup right at a cop s head, and be totally immune to prosecution (seriously, it s true! If you didn t know about that lil trick, you should try it). You re also old enough, apparently, to have released an unfeasible number of spinoffs, ports, add-ons and DLC packs over the years: I just checked out your wikipedia page to remind myself how many games had been released under the name, and had to have a little shout because I was so surprised.

I never really played you much, if I m honest. I had some fun with your original instalment in 2000, but the only thing I remember doing is making a bloke called something like Pete Strongman or Grief Wellington or whatever, who lived in a grey cube just large enough for him to lift weights in 24 hours a day, while occasionally bursting into fits of racking sobs, or thinking about the army. Now I think about it, I basically delivered the definitive roast on incel culture, years ahead of time. Anyway, even though my only experience of the series was unwittingly creating Jordan Peterson s soul 20 years ago, here I come with 10 ideas – one for every two years of your beautiful life – for what form the much-discussed Sims 5 should take.

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The Sims™ 3 - contact@rockpapershotgun.com (Kat Brewster)

A year ago or so, I re-downloaded The Sims. My partner and I wanted a low-effort game to play together, and I introduced them to the life-changing videogame craze: Make yourself in The Sims and live the life you ve always wanted!!! We made ourselves, built a beautiful little home, and adopted a cat. I became a professional writer or something, and they went into the Music Industry. We sputtered and blustered when our Sims declared to us, through the magic of in-game whims, that they wanted to get married. I quickly red-X ousted those desires from our Sims minds. Instead of acknowledging their desire for wedding bells, I had our Sims adopt a dog. That sinking feeling remained, however, and much like the incisive qualities of predictive text and pre-cog algorithms, I began to question how serious our relationship was. Let me repeat: The Sims made me reevaluate the seriousness of my very happy and committed long term relationship with its terrifying-yet-compelling simulacra. Y all. This game is haunted.

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