Okay, the Reddit guys've probably stopped reading by now, so we can be square with you: Reddit only <i>thinks</i> it bought us, because that's what we told them when we met them over the weekend to sign all the legal documents. What they <i>don't</i> know is that when a bird flew into a window during the signing and everybody on the TF2 team got scared and some of us started crying, that was a little something we in the business world call <i>a distraction.</i>
The "bird" that "flew" into the window? Not a bird at all. It was a squirrel launched from a t-shirt cannon by one of our guys across the street. The part where we got "scared"? Daniel Day Lewis-level method acting by the TF2 team. The part where some of us started "crying"? That was because the sound of the squirrel hitting the glass was a lot louder than we thought it would be and was legitimately scary. So technically real, but still under the umbrella of our overall deception.
Once the Reddit guys were thoroughly distracted, we took advantage of them awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with us and switched the legal documents for <i>new</i> documents. Documents that said <b>we actually secretly bought them.</b> Business.
In celebration of our Reddit purchase, we're going to add some new Reddit-themed items to the game. There's also plenty of neat stuff we're working on and would love to tease. But realistically, because today is the International Day of Foolishness, anything we told you guys would just be met with suspicion. And when have we ever trolled our community? Never, that's when. Okay, maybe that <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/post.php?id=2391">one time</a>.
In 1991, Linus Torvalds left a ham sandwich in his bathroom, and when he came back two weeks later, discovered that he'd accidentally invented penicillin and Linux. Just think what would have happened if Linus Torvaldt hadn’t waited two weeks to go to the bathroom. It’s thanks to his enormous digestive tract that we have Linux today.
But of course, anybody who’s gone to history class knows that story. What’s less well known is Linus Torvalds’ last words as he lay dying from septic necrosis: “I decree Linux free to all, with no rules! Save one,” he whispered, his voice becoming raspy and Sarumanesque. “NEVER, EVER allow Team Fortress 2 on my precious operating system! Keep it secret from them! Keep it safe!” (Note: start playing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1Cckq3MPDo" target="_blank">this</a> now.)
And so TF2 fell into shadow. Or so Linux Torvalduman thought. Luckily a band of hobbits snuck past his ghostly burning eye-building and did something important, and wept and cradled each other and swore oaths of fealty, and there was some lava and, anyway, <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/linux/">Team Fortress 2 is now on Linux and we're giving away items to anybody who tries it,</a> bringing to a close this epic trilogy of paragraphs.
Don't get me wrong, logically they GOTTA be ME. Right? I just dunno why they didn't start with my traditional outfit, or at the very least Scuba Scout or Kung Fu Fortress Scout or whatever. I guess they're tryin' the most obscure variants first to whet your appetite for the good ol' Classic version.
Though we think we’ve done a good job rewarding community contributors who make cosmetics and weapons, we could definitely do more for TF’s diligent, underappreciated map makers. With that in mind, we’re trying two new approaches to the problem.
<b>Map Stamp Improvements</b>
After taunting in a community map that you’ve contributed to, you now leave behind a trail of large stamps. The more you contribute, the longer the trail!
We’re now also tracking hours played in each map. In the “Maps” section of the in-game Mann Co. Store, you can see how many hours you’ve played each community map and how many times you’ve contributed to it. Plus, occasionally, on check out, you’ll be gently reminded that it might be nice to add a stamp to your cart for a map that you’ve played frequently but haven’t contributed much to. After you’ve seen this reminder once, you can have it show other map stamp suggestions by checking the “Support Community Map Mapers” box near the “check out” button.
<b>Map-Specific Strange Filters</b>
Sold in the store, these new filters let you set your strange weapons to only track events on specific community maps. For instance, if you only care about kills on “Yukon”, you can change the filter on your shotgun to just capture that. When filtering stats for a weapon, you’ll also get a custom rank modifier. So, in the aforementioned “Yukon” example, you’d now have a “Strange Canadian Shotgun”. The goal is to give players who really like specific community maps a way to both track their stats on those maps and broadcast their interest even when they’re playing on other levels.
Note that in both cases, 100% of the revenue (minus net taxes) goes to the contributor, so let’s get out there and support our map makers!
This is not a test blog post! You are not dreaming! This is actually happening! Go get it! There is nothing more to say! We’re still talking! Amazingly, you’re still reading! This is getting weird! Well, we’re going to end this blog post now! You can keep reading it if you want, we guess, but we’re going to stop writing! Okay, we’re still writing! And you’re still reading. You don’t feel remorse or fear or eye strain and you will never, ever give up until all these words are read! You are the greatest reader of ALL TIME and this is the “300” of reading! Only instead of getting killed by Persians, we’re going to suggest you simply go check out the brand new, incredibly convenient <a href="http://store.teamfortress.com/">Mann Co. Online Store</a>. There’s a bunch of words there that need reading. Plus pictures.
That's right, December 25th is almost here, and that means the Smissmas season is once again upon us. Now we know some people will be celebrating a different holiday next Tuesday, and for all of <i>you</i>, let us be the first to say: Happy Constitution Day, China! But regardless of what event you're planning to honor, whether it's Quaid-e-Azam's Day, the 1837 Battle of Okeechobee, or <i>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</i> producer Rick Berman's sixty-sixth birthday, rest assured that, on the inside, we're all celebrating the same thing. And that thing is Smissmas. Because it's the best holiday. Need proof? <a href="http://www.teamfortress.com/mechaupdate">Check out all the new stuff we're shipping</a> <strong><i>soon</i></strong> in a joyful, dangerous explosion of Smissmas updating.
What's this? Adult Swim gear for Team Fortress? It's true! Scout sent away for a Monarch Henchboy costume ages ago and we can’t wait to see him die in it. Our bet is that he’ll get his blood punched out of him by Heavy. Heavy’s been begging for a chance to kill someone in his new Tennessee Top Hat.
Soon you’ll be able to represent your Adult Swim classics with Team Fortress versions of the Monarch’s Henchmen, Dr. Rockzo, Carl, and Brock Samson. We’re thinking now would be a great time to try out the <a href="http://www.sourcefilmmaker.com/"> Source Filmmaker</a> and recreate some of your favorite Adult Swim moments.
As part of our ongoing efforts to gradually phase out all Earth money in favor of Team Fortress hats, we're kicking off the TF2-only beta of our new Steam Community Market! The Market should improve trading in every way: People looking for specific items will be able to locate them faster, folks looking to sell items will find the process a lot more efficient, and best of all, we've made it easier for everybody to translate playing TF2 into buying games on Steam.
It probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that a professional assassin like myself tends to be... <i>discrete</i> about things. We keep to the shadows. We <i>avoid</i> the spotlight. We don't host bloody dinner parties, is my point, and we don't make <b>big bloody statues in effigy to our bloody selves.</b>
Well, nobody bothered to tell the folks at Gaming Heads, since they only went ahead and turned me into a <b><a href="http://www.gamingheads.com/newsletters/0540569cf39d0ee1ada21d70ca198e780b.html">fourteen-inch-tall embarrassment to professionals everywhere.</a></b> Two months ago Saxton Hale showed up at my door with a clipboard, a pen, and some girl he claimed was his niece, asking me to pledge five dollars for a charity walk. I wish I'd read the fine print, since Mann Co. now owns my likeness rights until the year 7039.
Anyway, the statue's out now, so if your daughter already has dolls that cry and soil themselves, why not buy her one that kills people for money? Give her a career goal. Because I guarantee you wetting your pants is not a paying job.