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Community Announcements - SZ


With all the hustle and busty fustle of Australian Christmas, you probably thought we forgot the most important part of it: The gift-giving. Well, we didn't forget. We were hoping you would. But you didn't--you guys are sharp! So get your Gift-Gettin' Pants on, because you are about to get gifts, and we'd prefer you were wearing pants for it.

GIFTED! All the community items previously only available in the Nice Crates are now craftable, droppable, and available in all the ways you're used to getting them!

ALSO THIS GIFT! A free Secret Saxton for every premium account!

DUCK! GIFT COMIN' ATCHA! To acknowledge all you generous souls who've been handing out Secret Saxtons and piles of gifts since the formation of the TF economy, everybody is receiving a Spirit of Giving badge. It's a plate-sized x-ray illustrating to your peers exactly how big your heart is, and consequently, what a good person you are. You—and more importantly, everybody else—will actually be able to see your heart grow over time depending how many gifts you're giving. We strapped an actual decommissioned Soviet-era x-ray machine to several team members' chests, and trust us, the science checks out: The people in our experiment with the biggest hearts were in fact the nicest guys on staff. How do we know? You should have seen how many people showed up at their funerals.

STOCKING STUFFER! In an effort to get the gift-giving juices flowing, we've made every map as Smissmassy as possible by wrapping lights around every rope!
BUT THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL... was inside you all along. It's blood! Turns out you can sell it! See you at the plasma center! Merry Smissmas, everybody!
Community Announcements - SZ


Board up your chimneys! Bury your milk and cookies in the yard! Load your shotguns and stuff all of your turkeys! This year's holiday update is here!

"Wait, which holiday?" you may be wondering. "Australian Christmas? Or Smissmas?" Both! Read this comic to find out what happens when holidays collide! Two special days enter the squared circle! ONLY ONE LEAVES!

In the spirit of Australian Christmas/Smissmas/Your Holiday Here, we'd like to give a few shout-outs to all the hardworking boys and girls who made this update possible. First, a big thanks to all our community holiday item creators. Thanks also to the Dr. Grordbort guys for their cool retro-futuristic Engie and Pyro weapons. If you think they look nice in-game, wait'll you see their real-life equivalents, on sale right now at drgrordborts.com!
Community Announcements - SZ


As strongly implied in yesterday's educational Australian Christmas comic, Dr. Grordbort has once again landed a steam-powered rocket directly into the gravelly fields of the TF2niverse. Only this time the rocket's a little roomier, and has arrived bearing gifts for two classes, the Engineer and the Pyro.

Click here for Part One of our Australian Christmas Update Announcement, and don’t forget to check back tomorrow for Announcement Part Two and, more importantly, the update itself.

Just because the update’s coming tomorrow doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be playing RIGHT NOW, because guess what: Double drop rates start tonight! They’re only around until next Wednesday, so get in there and take advantage of all the double dropping!
Community Announcements - SZ


What is the true meaning of Australian Christmas? Some say it is a hamfisted attempt by the Australian government to turn a notorious felon into a beloved folk hero. Others say it's a calculated ploy by the novelty munitions industry to sell guns that shoot mistletoe.

And then there are those who look past all that, and maintain that it is a time to reconnect with friends and loved ones, and to be thankful for the blessings in our lives.

And then there are those who are still licking their emotional wounds from all the reconnecting with friends and loved ones they did at Thanksgiving, and realize that the true true meaning of Australian Christmas is zero human contact, eating candy, and getting as many presents as possible.

And those people are correct—that is the true meaning of Australian Christmas. We looked it up.

But don't take our word for it. Ask the Engineer.
Community Announcements - SZ


Today, we're introducing a new item from the Steam Workshop, voted on by the community and buyable by everyone. The “Itsy Bitsy Spyer” is a miniature Spy voodoo doll that clips onto the Engineer's belt. It's featured in our Mann Co. Spotlight box at the immediate right of this post!

And for you traders out there, there's a link right underneath the Spotlight item that'll let you buy keys without going into the game. Plus, we’ve removed the three-day trading cooldown for anyone whose first Steam purchase was 30 days ago or more.

All of which brings us to the last new feature we're introducing today: "Buy Now" links that you can create for any item and embed anywhere. Visit the FAQ for more details!
Community Announcements - SZ


It's that special time of mid-November, where nothing is special yet, but you can feel the tingle of impending specialness right around the corner. All the signs are there. When you kill a man, you can actually see his last breath hanging in the chill mid-November pre-specialness air. Turkeys have retreated to their bunkers in a vain attempt to weather the upcoming onslaught of holidays devoted to gleeful turkey slaughter. And, are those sleighbells we hear? Because our legal department assures us they aren't. That's right, TFers. It's beginning to look a lot like an upcoming holiday our legal department won't let us mention, but that rhymes with "Smissmas".

Everywhere, that is, except in our item submission queue, where there doesn't seem to be any Smissmas joy at all. No Smissmas trees. No smazzletoe. Not even a smamukkah bush, which is a different holiday we can't mention but would also have been acceptable.

So it's up to you, item crafters! You've got until December 1st to have your hearts grow three sizes, be visited by spirits in the night, and get in the Smissmas spirit by submitting holiday-themed items to the Steam Workshop. What holiday? Your guess is as good as ours!

Merry Bazzlebarp, everybody!
Community Announcements - SZ


First order of business: Some DAMNED WEBSITE is asking any no-nothing mope with a keyboard and an opinion the preposterously self-evident question of whether I can BEAT UP A DOCTOR IN A FIGHT. Let's put aside that unlike with Mann Co., when a customer isn't wholly satisfied with a doctor's services, the doctor won't even CHALLENGE THAT CUSTOMER TO A FIGHT. In fact, he CAN'T challenge that customer to a fight, since doctors take a cringing oath of cowardice to "do no harm". Let's also put aside the fact that this contest doesn't even specify what SORT of fight this doctor and I would would be engaged in. (Let me answer that: A VERY SHORT ONE.)

Let's ignore all that and stick to the facts: I have PERSONALLY MANSLAUGHTERED 1,593 physicians in various forms of unarmed and/or unwilling combat, and let me tell you, that statistic carries a lot of weight at the doctor's office. Let's just say a "Beaten to Death in the Head by Fists" can turn into a "Natural Causes" on a coroner's report PRETTY FAST when you're cracking the right knuckles at the right people.

Still, if some online poll insists on propagating lies that I can be bested in fisticuffs by any Scottish-Japanese doctor who wants to throw on a ski mask, then I must turn to YOU, the fine customers of Mann Co.'s top-notch line of occasionally combustible products, to PUT THAT LIE TO REST. Click here, and RIGHT an INTERNET WRONG with your FINGER-FIST.

In other news, one of you FINALLY REMEMBERED that the U.S. postal service is a THING THAT EXISTS and answered the conundrum I posed during the Manniversary update about making an ostrich disappear:



Thank you, PVO, for your (relatively) prompt reply. Far too late to be useful, of course, as the police knocked in the door to my office weeks ago and I was forced to think on the spot (I ate the ostrich). But you get a hearty Mann Co. RELAXED-FIST CLAPPING SOUND for your inventive solution to my problem.

I have manslaughtered 1,593 physicians,

Saxton Hale
Community Announcements - SZ


First order of business: Some DAMNED WEBSITE is asking any no-nothing mope with a keyboard and an opinion the preposterously self-evident question of whether I can BEAT UP A DOCTOR IN A FIGHT. Let's put aside that unlike with Mann Co., when a customer isn't wholly satisfied with a doctor's services, the doctor won't even CHALLENGE THAT CUSTOMER TO A FIGHT. In fact, he CAN'T challenge that customer to a fight, since doctors take a cringing oath of cowardice to "do no harm". Let's also put aside the fact that this contest doesn't even specify what SORT of fight this doctor and I would would be engaged in. (Let me answer that: A VERY SHORT ONE.)

Let's ignore all that and stick to the facts: I have PERSONALLY MANSLAUGHTERED 1,593 physicians in various forms of unarmed and/or unwilling combat, and let me tell you, that statistic carries a lot of weight at the doctor's office. Let's just say a "Beaten to Death in the Head by Fists" can turn into a "Natural Causes" on a coroner's report PRETTY FAST when you're cracking the right knuckles at the right people.

Still, if some online poll insists on propagating lies that I can be bested in fisticuffs by any Scottish-Japanese doctor who wants to throw on a ski mask, then I must turn to YOU, the fine customers of Mann Co.'s top-notch line of occasionally combustible products, to PUT THAT LIE TO REST. Click here, and RIGHT an INTERNET WRONG with your FINGER-FIST.

In other news, one of you FINALLY REMEMBERED that the U.S. postal service is a THING THAT EXISTS and answered the conundrum I posed during the Manniversary update about making an ostrich disappear:



Thank you, PVO, for your (relatively) prompt reply. Far too late to be useful, of course, as the police knocked in the door to my office weeks ago and I was forced to think on the spot (I ate the ostrich). But you get a hearty Mann Co. RELAXED-FIST CLAPPING SOUND for your inventive solution to my problem.

I have manslaughtered 1,593 physicians,

Saxton Hale
Community Announcements - SZ
Welcome—IF YOU DARE—to the Third Annual Scream Fortress Very Scary Halloween Special!



Let us be frank with you: Last year's special was pretty darn terrifying, even by our impossibly high standard of scary. To cite just one example: Dracula was taken to the hospital after witnessing just the loading screen of last year's update. That's not Terry Dracula your greengrocer, either. This is the Dracula we’re talking about. And if it scared Dracula, who eats ghosts and craps Frankensteins, we shudder to imagine what it must have done to you.

As an apology, we’re debating taking all of the scares out of this year's Halloween Special. For instance, one playtester thought the Pyro was a little scary, so we’ll probably remove him as a class. Someone else swore he remembered reading something about somebody getting hurt by a gun once. And that sounded scary. So probably no more guns, either. Then Dracula called from the hospital. "Hey guys," he said, "hats are pretty scary." Well, now, that must have been the morphine talking. So we’re adding more hats just to be safe.

Long story short, we guarantee you that nothing's going to scare you this year. There will be no ENORMOUS HAUNTED EYEBALL to terrorize you around an island filled with tons of SECRET LOOT, and a GIANT SKULL! There will be approximately zero percent chance of you getting your trembling hands on a spooky costume FOR EVERY CLASS! And we certainly wouldn't DRAMATIZE THE BACKSTORY of this hypothetical scary update with a FEAR-CHOKED TERROR-COMIC!

No, dear reader, we wouldn't do any of these things. Why? Because we're MUMMIES! Mummies can't make updates, we live in pyramids! What are you, insane? For the answer to that question, keep reading:

YES! YOU ARE!* TWIST ENDING!

* You went insane back in the second paragraph! YOU actually wrote this blog post! The only thing that isn't a figment of your imagination is THIS UPDATE! TWIST FOOTNOTE!
Oct 27, 2011
Community Announcements - SZ
There are some questions in the TF universe--questions like "Is Pyro a boy or a girl?" or "Who will be the tenth class?"--that get asked so often that they become, in a sense, unanswerable.

Then there are the questions nobody has thought to ask. Questions like, "Every time you explain something supernatural in TF2 you say the Soldier angered a magician. Who is the magician?" Questions like, "If the TF mercs went out trick or treating, what costumes would they wear?"



These are the questions we ask, because unlike those other questions, these ones we have an answer to. Answers like, "His name is Merasmus the Magician, and he's in a Halloween comic!" Answers like, "The TF mercs would wear awesome costumes that you can pick up by collecting scattered gifts in the Halloween update--which will be live very soon!"
...

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