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I adore YouTube user Criken. I don't understand how he manages to break games the way he does. Here he is playing Hitman: Absolution, making me feel like I put too much effort into trying to be sneaky when apparently Hitman is more hilarious when you're sloppy about it.
I'll have to test this out next time I boot it up. Kirk Hamilton, who has actually beaten Absolution, assures me that the video isn't quite reflective of the game. Either way, it's flippin hilarious.
Update: Gosh, that was quick. Before any other sites had even picked up on this one, Square have removed the app. Links from it now reroute to the main Hitman page, and previously sent death threats no longer work.
Update 2: Square have issued a statement apologising for the app. The full statement is at the bottom of the post.
Original: Square Enix aren’t having a brilliant Winter. With profits pointing downward, and Hitman a bit of a stinker, they surely must be on the phone with the Humble Bundle folks, trying to follow THQ. But everything’s going to improve with their latest marketing campaign for the disappointing baldie killer! “SQUARE ENIX,” says the email that’s just arrived in my inbox, “WANTS YOU TO PUT A HIT ON YOUR FRIENDS”. Ahaha! Threaten to murder your chums! And mock them for their looks, or the size of their breasts or penis!
Look, it's already pretty clear that the folks at IO Interactive like a particularly adolescent style of joke-making, what with the closet-humping and all. But the latest effort at promoting the Square Enix published game invites you to fling their poor taste at your Facebook friends. It's pretty tacky.
As spotted on Rock, Paper, Shotgun, Hire Hitman is a site that hooks into your Facebook profile and lets you aim the series' lethal protagonist at your social network buddies. Not too bad so far, right? The icky stuff comes when you pick
the reason you want Agent 47 to kill your friends' identifiable traits. In the drop down menu, nestled in with other rude observations, the selections include small genitals for men or small breasts for women. Classy, no?
Completing the selections generates a video that has the data you input popping up on Agent 47's laptop and pictures from your target's photo albums flit on-screen to represent flashes of their life passing before their eyes as they die.
Maybe you really like Hitman and want to get your friends to play it. Fine. But, it doesn't really seem like insulting them with bullying language is the way to go about it. And, sure, the defense might be that you and/or Square Enix are having a laugh in the spirit of their game. But the person on the receiving end might not be laughing at all.
Update: As of this writing, the Hire Hitman site appears to have been pulled down by Square Enix and previously generated hits redirect to the main Hitman homepage.
Update 2: Square Enix has sent along a statement that apologizes for their Hitman Facebook app:
Earlier today we launched an app based around Hitman: Absolution that allowed you to place virtual hits on your Facebook friends. Those hits would only be viewable by the recipient, and could only be sent to people who were confirmed friends.
We were wide of the mark with the app, and following feedback from the community we decided the best thing to do was remove it completely and quickly. This we've now done.
We're sorry for any offense caused by this.
Why distort one beloved franchise when you can do two at once? The latest DLC for Hitman: Ablutions once again fails to add new missions, ideally in a Streets of Hope vein, but instead a new costume and gun which can only be used in the Contracts mode. This new costume is the kevlar’n'metal duds of one Adam Jensen, he of Deus Ex: Human Revolution fame. This happens due to Hitman and Deux Ex being publisher stablemates, of course. As far as I can tell there is no narrative justification for why Baldy McChoke would come to acquire the augmented form of a mopey, bearded cyborg from the future, but hell, if Ridley Scott can contrive to unite the Blade Runner and Alien universes then this is no less silly.
The DXHR togs do make 47 look a bit like Gunther, mind. (more…)
Hitman: Absolution lets players don a variety of disguises. And now, one of those outfits is the Deus Ex suit. Because if you want to blend into a crowd, what better way to do that than with a futuristic body suit!
The suit not only offers Hitman's Agent 47 better protection, and the "Zenith" gun from Deus Ex is also available as DLC, completing the whole look. Both the Deus Ex Suit and the Deus Ex Zenith are available on Xbox Live for 80 Microsoft Points each and on the PlayStation Network and PC for US$1.00 a pop.
Why stop at Deus Ex, Square Enix? Surely, Agent 47 wants to dress as Final Fantasy characters or even Lara Croft from Tomb Raider.
Coming to the end of the year's major release calendar, we still have no shortage of righteous indignation and implacable disappointment in the world of user reviews.
Released: Nov. 20.
Critic: monkeylion (Metacritic)
• "My first review was just with a couple of hours of gameplay, now after finishing the game I can tell you that there are 3 or 2 missions segments that are old classic hitman style, the others however suck, and suck bad."
Released: Nov. 18.
Critic: LesbianGoku (Metacritic)
• "The campaign is dull and overscripted, the online is cheesy and full of 12 year olds screaming in the mic, and the game is still full of cheaters."
Critic: Ubifail (Metacritic)
• "If CAPCOM did this Smash Bros clone, and made a small roster to sell DLC, you would have killed them. So WHY THE HELL would you support such a rip-off and distribute perfect 10's??? "
Score: 1 ("The '1' is for Nariko")
Released: Nov. 18.
Critic: capthavic (Metacritic)
• "I played for about 30 minutes before quitting because I was so mind numbingly bored with it."
Critic: wesker2012 (Metacritic)
• "I wouldn't recommend anyone buying this game unless you want to be really pissed off."