With a name like Woody Two-Legs: Attack of the Zombie Pirates
I don't believe anyone actually expected this to be a good game. Even still I was hopeful that I would be able to find some dumb fun hidden underneath the ridiculous title and obvious low development budget, but alas Woody Two-Legs is nothing of the sort. What we have instead is a poorly designed and repetitive game, with impressively low production values and confusing controls that is above all else very, very boring.
As scoundrel pirate Woody Two-Legs, out pillaging ships on Halloween night, you mistakenly taken the treasure of Davy Jones and raised his scourge of undead minions determined to get it back. As is the case with most pirates Woody isn't about to let go of his loot, and so a desperate back and forth begins that you unfortunately must take part of.
Woody plays like something of a twin-stick shooter, with waves of enemies approaching from all sides attempting to make off with the treasure on the island in the middle and sink your ship in the process. The difference here is that you are controlling a ship, and as such have to account for the time it takes to turn as well as only being able to fire from your side cannons. It almost sounds like an interesting concept, until you actually attempt to play it and realize how unnecessarily confusing it makes everything.
Controlling your ship is very awkward and hard to do with any sort of precision, and shooting enemies is even more frustrating do to having to retrain your brain to remember which way your ship is facing and then choose the right side to shoot out of (when you are constantly turning around, remembering which was is left and right is much more challenging than it sounds like). Even if you manage to get the controls down, the gameplay just isn't fun. Enemies come in three barely indistinct varieties, with the only difference being if their end objective is to kill or steal from you, providing no satisfaction to destroy and disappearing in a puff of white smoke. Each of the five level plays and looks exactly the same with no variation save the boss at the end (which also repeat after a point) and how dark it is, and which take an agonizing 10-20 minutes to complete with no change to enemies patterns or any other means to revitalize the experience (which is already tiring after the first few moments).
I was willing to give Woody a chance despite every indication it would be a horrible time, but it surpassed even my low expectations. Paradox
has released a lot of forgettable games and this is one of the worst; an astonishingly monotonous experience that not even the combination of zombies and pirates could save.
Yes it's cheap, dirt cheap even during sales; no it is not worth your time, money, or the braincells you will lose trying to play it.
Posted: January 27th, 2014