Kill 'em all in 2D and 3D!
User reviews: Mixed (70 reviews)
Release Date: Dec 19, 2007
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About This Game

Take out dozens of enemies, traps and other dangers with your knife, hand gun, machine gun, grenade launcher, satchel charges or sniper rifle!

6 varying levels taking place in the desert, jungle or city!

Fast action 3D platform gaming with classic 2D gameplay!

System Requirements

    Minimum:
    • OS: Windows XP, Vista, 7
    • Processor: 1000 MHz
    • Memory: 256 MB RAM
    • Graphics: 2nd generation 'hardware TnL videocards with 64 MB memory such as: ATI Radeon 7500 or Nvidia Geforce 2
    • DirectX: Version 9.0c
    • Hard Drive: 800 MB available space
Helpful customer reviews
46 of 52 people (88%) found this review helpful
2 people found this review funny
0.2 hrs on record
Posted: November 26, 2014
This is truly one of the worst platformers I've played, and that's just from 20 minutes of playing it. Nothing works. The controls are beyond broken. You press up to crawl on the ground. I repeat: you press UP to crawl on the ground. When the first level is challenging because of broken mechanics and takes you at least five minutes to get past the first enemy because you only have a knife and you're moving on a 2D plane, you know you're screwed. Even for 49 cents, it's still a major ripoff.
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31 of 38 people (82%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
1.9 hrs on record
Posted: December 21, 2014
I use this a weapon, I bought copies of this on sale and send it to people as a passive aggresive way of driving them mad.

When a game is so bad I use it to break connections with people that I don't want to talk to, you know you have done badly.
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25 of 29 people (86%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.1 hrs on record
Posted: January 5
Where to start, I could call this the worst game ever made and I wouldn't be wrong. To truely understand just how horrific this game is a person needs only turn it on for the first time. I am pretty certain I got this game for less than a dollar, and that is one dollar I'll never see back.

This game is worse than one of those free flash games you get from a shady website that pop's up while your surfing for porn in the middle of the night. In fact many of those games are far superior to this mess.

I'd say this game is like getting a root canel, as the numbing agent starts to wear off and you can feel the dentist begin to kill the roots in your teeth. Except having that done is probably more fun than this flaming pile of refuge.

Please do yourself a favor, take that dollar you would have spend playing this game, set it on fire and place the charred remains between two slices of bread.... you would get more value out of your money this way...

Although if you do buy the game, keep in mind you'll join the ranks of gamers like myself who love picking up crap...
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26 of 34 people (76%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.6 hrs on record
Posted: December 27, 2014
no
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21 of 27 people (78%) found this review helpful
6 people found this review funny
0.2 hrs on record
Posted: December 21, 2014
Imagine you fell off a bridge into cold water, then four school trucks fell off that bridge and landed on you. The trucks set on fire and explode incinerating your crushed corpse untill you are a pile of ash. That ash was eaten by a dog and then ♥♥♥♥ out and thrown at Kim jong un, kim launches 4 nuclear missiles that destroy humanity and erases all life from earth. (I didn't know where I was going with that story) Essentialy this game is cancer...
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11 of 15 people (73%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
2.2 hrs on record
Posted: March 9
This was hilariously bizarre in the best possible way. This game is the exact opposite of what Spec Ops: The Line was trying to do, and the results are just fantastic.

Here are a few sample activities you will experience while playing Alpha Zylon:

- being chased by a Hummer only for it to blow up after you run for so long
- attacking hostages to free them from captivity
- witness the death of your commanding officer, only to see him perfectly fine 2 episodes later
- blow up a bridge in a desolate Brazilian village for no reason
- become a rooftop crime fighting vigilante while rich white people give you health packs (I cannot make this crap up)
- beat on notorious gang member "12 Cent's" new car with a baseball bat until it blows up
- live through an onslaught of gang members and hummers in a first person shooting segment (I had a Hummer climb over the wall and fall on me more than once. The first time was admittedly pretty amusing.)

And yes, that is only a few of the activities you will experience. I actually recommend playing this once, just to question what the devs were thinking when they made this game. It's a memorable experience, to say in the least.

And yes, I did beat it, dear God.
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11 of 16 people (69%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
1.2 hrs on record
Posted: December 31, 2014
Holy ♥♥♥♥ this is hilarious. How is such a game on Steam? It's $0.49 so I'm gonna buy a bunch and gift it to everyone.
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10 of 15 people (67%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.9 hrs on record
Posted: February 8
Have you ever played a game that is so bad that it's good? No?
Well you need to make Alpha Zylon stay in your library then.

You play as a badass soldier who rely only on his tiny little knife to fight the armed enemies.
You will have your unlimited ammo guns later in the game because why not.
Each level have different objectives and yeah different traps and enemies.

And please throw out your logic while playing this game.
This is a video game, nothing is weird.
Although I admit there is a racist in the city level where you fight "rooftop thugs" that's all black-men and their leader is a white-man called "12 cent"
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11 of 17 people (65%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
1.1 hrs on record
Posted: November 27, 2014
This game is literally better than crack cocaine. This beautiful masterpeice of a game will bring a grown man to tears.
But seriously DO NOT BUY THIS GAME! You might think this game would be funny to play... and you're right. But after about five minutes my friend started crying. It is really THAT bad. Avoid it like the plague. Your welcome.
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6 of 8 people (75%) found this review helpful
0.3 hrs on record
Posted: February 16
+Jerma did a video

-Awful presentation
-Atrocious A.I.
-The first section is one of the most frustrating levels in history
-Not even funny bad

1/10 - Abysmal
I seriously only bought this game because Jerma did a video on it and it was hilarious. Plus it was on sale for like 40 cents. It's not even like Superman 64 or Sonic '06 with the whole "so bad it's good" thing, so I can't even recommend it on that merit.
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4 of 5 people (80%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
2.4 hrs on record
Posted: March 4
Kill enemies with your tiny knife, blow up cars by shooting them multiple times in the door, and rescue hostages by stabbing them in the head, and mutter your iconic catch phrase: Manganoochatrelacanootratreladeb. And that's just a taste of the action.



10/10 would say catch phrase again.
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23 of 43 people (53%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.6 hrs on record
Posted: December 1, 2014
Is Bond too boring? Bauer too bland? Bourne too blasé? Throw all that other junk out the window and step into the boots of our unnamed, unburdened-with-backstory white male hero, who after copious amounts of debate and study I have dubbed Paul. Paul is the single most manly person alive, with baseball hat and sunglasses combined with his trademark tactical.. shirt.
You may be asking, but what about the game? I will inform you. Upon starting Alpha Zylon, three tantalizing choices of mission await. I, like any good person, played them in order, and will describe them as such.
DESERT WMD SEARCH: Run through the desert avoiding tiny mines, LMG-wielding Middle Eastern people, AK-47 Middle Eastern people, and white Hummers driven by no one. If you survive long enough to reach the bunker, watch out! Bombs are falling everywhere. Proceed on past the bunkers while carefully knifing every AK wielding terrorist to proceed to the second stage of the first mission, a sniping mission set in a bustling plaza.
Unfortunately, I am not as manly or skilled as Paul, and this is where my first mission ended because despite my sniping expertise in keeping the nuclear weapons traders alive, I couldn't kill the ghost hummer that shows up to buy nuclear weapons without also killing the trader. I hung my head in shame and moved on.
JUNGLE PREDATOR RAMBO PREDATOR: In this scenario, you must stealthily knife white blond dudes as you avoid caltrops that are, at best, eight pixels wide before deploying and approximately the same brown as everything else. This is a challenge, but one I was mostly up to (aside from when the caltrops sucked me in when I clearly made the jump over them). If you progress far enough in JPRP, you can save some brown hostages in white suits who are either waiters or just impeccably dressed, who then speak incredibly racist gibberish and run away. I died too many times to caltrops and had to once again bow out gracefully.
MANHATTAN CHASE: Run along rooftops after speaking with the exact same model of the hostages from JPRP, now a rich penthouse owner in New York. As you run, shoot approximately 200 black people with your Desert Eagle and avoid the mini-gun toting black people hanging out of windows. This is a 2D platformer where you jump and shoot, but unfortunately my journey ultimately ended early here too. After two very successful runs both culminated in me falling through a building and to my death, the game crashed and Paul presumably retired. I only know this section is officially called Manhattan Chase because upon crashing, Windows told me that was what it was called, leading me to believe each level has its own executable. That's dedication, folks. That or the third mission's name is the executable's name for all three which doesn't make sense but not much in Alpha Zylon does.
After I finished fighting across three very racist and confusing and deadly environments, I realized Alpha Zylon isn't a game. It's a work of art, a statement if you will. Much like Alpha Zylon is hell, so is war. War is hell. War is often racist and confusing and innocent people, like Paul McDiesalot, often get hurt. So is Alpha Zylon a very shoddy 2D platformer with 3D sniping segments, dotted throughout by strange racism and broken English? No. Alpha Zylon is a look at war through the lens of gaming, as Spec Ops the Line approached but done much more masterfully here, of course. Alpha Zylon is a stunning and emotional look at how war can ruin lives in all manner of places, no matter what race you are.

A quick note I originally forgot to add, the music in this game is sublime. Ranging from strange percussion to insane techno desert loops in the sniping mission, Alpha Zylon's composer is a virtuoso who can stand next to the likes of Elfman, Williams, and Zimmer, elevating Alpha Zylon to cinematic perfection.
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2 of 2 people (100%) found this review helpful
1.6 hrs on record
Posted: March 15
I did not play this game. I endured it. This product fails in almost every regard.

The graphics and animations are terrible, they look barely better than the original Playstation.

The sounds are generic and often are implemented wrong. In the level where you destroy 12 cent's sports car the baseball bat makes a clanging sound even when you miss. On multiple occasions, I've heard enemies death sound effects when I plant explosives or pick up extra health.

The controls are terrible and you will die repeatedly (or at least more than usual) if you do not rebind them. The down button crouches, but the up button makes you crouch and move forward. Jump and melee are 1 and 2 for some inexplicable reason.

The combat is mindless and unfair. You just aim at an enemy and open fire with your infinite pistol or machine gun until they die. You will take hits from the enemies no matter how good you get. The game hides instant death traps behind foreground objects, and I have had humvees drive through walls and kill me.

In addition to ALL OF THIS, the game is glitchy. As I said before, humvees will occasionally drive through walls and kill you, falling off a building can crash the game, and I've even been hit by a humvee through a wall and ended up outside the play area. I was promptly run over by a humvee that drove through a building.

In short, this game is terrible in every way. Every way except its enjoyability. For some strange reason, I found an odd charm to it. Its story was as cliche as possible and the gameplay really shouldn't have been fun, but it kind of was. If you like games that are so bad that they're kind of fun, then this game could be worth picking up. For everyone else though, I would highly recommend you stay away.
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2 of 2 people (100%) found this review helpful
0.8 hrs on record
Posted: April 7
This is the best ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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5 of 8 people (63%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.3 hrs on record
Posted: February 2
Do you hate yourself and want to waste your time with no reward aside knowing you could have done something, anything better than this? Then this is the game for you.

Seriously though, its not even worth the play through to have some laughs. Its just overly frustrating ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Play at your own risk, or because you need something to do while you take a break from watching paint dry.
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6 of 10 people (60%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.1 hrs on record
Posted: March 10
i only bought this because of cr1tikal
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3 of 5 people (60%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.2 hrs on record
Posted: March 13
I would genuinely be ashamed of myself if i somehow had been involved creating this dreadful piece of garbage.
Shame on you Team 6 Studios! Shame on you!

There is no god, for this "game" has proven it.
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3 of 5 people (60%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.6 hrs on record
Posted: March 13
Complitely unplayable, got cancer 10/10
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225 of 313 people (72%) found this review helpful
2 people found this review funny
1.5 hrs on record
Posted: July 17, 2014
What other game gives you side-scrolling platforming AND first-person shooting? Exactly.
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70 of 87 people (80%) found this review helpful
1 person found this review funny
0.5 hrs on record
Posted: July 23, 2014
Really, really bad game, even for 2007.

I've played the worst PS1 games you can find, and this still doesn't hold anything to them.

Don't buy this game.

I made this video so you can see for your self.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MugEn_ysMSc
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