Finally, my dreams of being being a flying cat head, shooting globs of ♥♥♥♥ with lasers coming out of my face have finally come true! But as often happens, sometiems you dream of something so hard that when it finally comes to fruition...it turns out you're left with nothing but sweaty bed sheets, dried drool in your beard and eye boogers a mile deep.
I almost made it 30 minutes, which is impressive because I had no idea what the hell I was doing. At all. There were some words slapped on screen that if I squinted just right I could catch the first two or three of them. I couldn't really make out the rest because they were slapped over the top of the boss I happened to be fighting at the time. Oops.
But, I could probably adjust the graphics settings to fix those issues, maybe make the text a bit easier to read. That's what I would have said if there was actually a menu. Any menu at all. (What I'm trying to say is there are no menus.) (None, except Start and Continue.)
So then, game play. Well...that's a mixed bag. I like some shmups. They're a good time. Even the cheapo ones. Those, I can usually use a 360 pad with though. You know...analog sticks to move my Flying Cat Head of Doom back and forth quickly. But...no. Let's use some clunky ♥♥♥ WASD and just hold down the left mouse button to shoot FREAKIN' LASERS out of my FREAKIN' CAT HEAD. Cause why not? Even this wouldn't be so bad, if I could...you know...aim my laser. They kinda take care of aiming for you...if you can get close enough for their aim thing to take over. Then you should be okay. Maybe. Just keep holding that mouse button down and moving yourself around with the left hand. Don't get too close to the wall though. You're gonna get stuck. If you get to close to the wall, you're gonna have a bad time.
There's also a whole row of spells and powers across the bottom I can use! I don't know what the hell any of them do, but they're there! One makes some big squiggly spiral show up some random spot on screen. No where near the dude I'm trying to shoot. Another surrounds me in a giant gum drop. Another one turns my cat head blue. Another shoots a light beam I can actually aim! I don't know if does any damage or not. The others...I dunno, I can't even make out the icon. I pressed them, but uh...I don't know that they did anything. I figured I'd read up on them in menus but...well, you know how that works out. I picked up some blue things too, but your guess is as good as mine as to what they do!
PLUS...read the community boards. Stolen assets, all sorts of stuff.
So if my review is not exactly clear, what I'm trying to say is....don't.