I knew getting back in the "dating game" would be a challenge after being out of it for over 10,000 years. When I was released from the privilege mines, I had to learn all the new things "the dating crowd" was trying. I knew about scented CIS skulls and gluten-free cardboard, and sure was glad to hear people still use them. But I had no idea that "video games" were so popular with the "romantics" out there. All it took was one stroll through the Steam Store to prove I had to learn a new thing.
"Where to start?", I wondered. I wanted something simple. However, all I saw in the store was console ports that were covered with $19.99 DLC and feminism, or designed to somehow "heat" your NVIDIA card. No way, Jose! (I experienced the "heat" thing personally once after an adventurous incident with an XBox. I'll stick with "room temperature" from now on, thank you very much.)
Luckily, I found a plain, old-fashioned video game that would not make me empty my pockets into the deepest bowels of Gaben himself. And it came in this HUGE bundle! No more awkward late-night Baal runs for me, once I could get my hands on this game. Now, I admit the graphics are not all that good. But after selling the ol' PS Vita and borrowing some cash from Aunt Irma, I was ready to "checkout".
The product only took a week to download, and got to my computer just in time for my first real "date" since the Chex Quest incident. You can bet I was nervous for this one. When I got off the bus to meet Kojima in front of the Gamestop, I just about had a heart attack! The only thing keeping me calm was knowing that I could not possibly run out of video games that night. I gave Kojima a reassuring nod and smile, as if to say "Don't worry, Carla, I have plenty of vidya for later."
The dinner was great, and after knocking back a couple glasses of alka seltzer, we were ready to head back to my apartment. I winked and told Carla, "Let's ABANDON THIS THREAD," to see if she understood the gaming lingo. I think she did. Throughout the bus ride back, I grinned and hummed Gone Home tunes to set the mood.
When we got to my place, I already had a song playing. It was by "Protomen", which I think you pronounce like Protozoa, because it is an exotic unicellular eukaryotic organisms that sounds just like real fedoras. After we got comfortable, I asked Kojima if she could help me with the video games. She looked at me weird, and I couldn't tell if it was because she thought it was "too soon" or because I was vigorously wiggling my eyebrows just like my hero Putt-Putt.
So I "took the initiative", as women like men to do, and rolled my computer out. "Ready to pay your respects?" I joked, and by "pay your respects" I meant "watch me pretend to be a car." She looked at me all shocked, and said "That's it, I'm out of here!" I asked why, since she didn't need to run to Gamestop for any games - there was plenty right here. But she didn't answer, and got up to leave anyway. Then, as Kojima was about to pass me and the computer, she tripped on my dog Pep and activated my trap card! The force of my Mirror Force card knocked over my computer and ripped apart my Mountain Dew collection, sending 20 gallons of carbonated soft drink across my faux-hardwood floors.
Kojima was completely drenched, and her momentum slid her to the front door - which she somehow managed to pry open with a pair of 2-litre Mountain Dew bottles. The last thing I knew, "No-Fun Kojima" was screaming profanities and sliding down three flights of steps. I didn't pay much attention because I was too busy trying to check my privilege. I managed to get about half of it checked - the other half probably offended tumblr. I never bothered to ask if she appreciated the free gift of Mountain Dew.
Anyway, despite my "user error", I was quite pleased with the product. These days it's hard to find such a classic game, and you can find it right here at a discount price! I have to say I can't give this product a perfect review, because I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do at the rocket station. I've tried making millions of rockets but they all just sort of peter out and explode half-way. Aside from that artificial difficulty, I will definitely recommend this movie.