once a true story, it is now a forgotten legend due to a legendary hero defeating the goat king.
You don't know that legend?
Of course you don't, buttfarts, it's forgotten!Now sit down on your fanny cakes, as I retell the legend of legends.
Once upon a time, in a time that once existed after time, there was a walrus queen who ruled all time. The walrus queen was not beautiful. At all. Her fanny was tied in a knot, her whiskers a flood on her face; Short story, she was ugly! However, the walrus queen did do her role in walrus society. And that was holding a bucket and pretending she was a whale. This one
day, the walrus queen, as everyone knows, asexually reproduced, and out popped a little rascal: a goat. The walrus queen looked at the little baby goat, charmed by its exquisitely beautifulness. She then whips her tail at the goat, kicking the goat into the dark, blue sea, because that's what all walruses do to their babies. True story! So the walrus queen's a butt now, yada yada yada, but who cares about the walrus queen? I don't. Let's follow that goat, eh?
The goat's body lay motionless, floating on the surface of the sparkling ocean. But if you remember correctly, if you remember the last paragraph, this goat WAS
the birth baby of the walrus queen. As if magic was real, this little goat started jumping ON the water, over the water at high speed! Yet, he hardly moved, but little ragdoll-like movements! What could this goat be capable of?! The goat sped over the high seas, across storms, across boats, but none had hurt his lightning speed! Well, maybe the boat. It did have a hot tub after all... I mean, this goat was going REALLY fast! But alas, all crazy things may come to an end. Or will they? After a day and a day and a d- a very long time, the goat landed on land. An island with a small city, and a theme park! What trouble could the little fartbrain get into here?
After a few hours of sunbathing on the warm sand, the little goat stood up, with little to no effort! Like magic! But not. The little goat gazed around, seeing the umbrellas and towels and... people! Suddenly, the kid had a sudden want of suddenly... licking everything? Within a second, the goat's really long tongue shot out and struck the closest person; a very fat man. The tongue was sticking to the plump man! The goat started to run away, but somehow, the tongue had like 50 bajillion muscles, as the fatty was being dragged by the tongue! That's gross. That's really gross. It's just like that Steamer guy from Right 2 Alive. BUT let's not talk about that. Let's talk about the horror that the goat will become.
No one screamed or anything. They just kinda stared at the animal pulling a somewhat lifeless man with its tongue. I guess there WERE some crazy people who said, "Aww, that's so cute!" At least that was the last thing they said, as they were dragged to nowhere at somewhere. The little goat had so much stamina. Or was stamina even a word for him? He would never stop! Well, he did stop in front of a store. Full of hats. BEAUTIFUL hats. Detaching its tongue from a pink lady, the goat stared through the windowed display. He took one step back. The goat then RAMMED THROUGH THE WINDOW, BLEATING AROUND. He then licked all of the hats. All of them.But... what's this? They're... GOAT-PROOF?!
The kid stared at the hats, with a sad look. The shopkeeper. who was somehow unafraid, stood behind the counter. "Ya need money, kid." The goat stared at the shopkeeper.
The city's probably bankrupt now. I mean, no one has money now, except the shopkeeper. And the only thing now that the goat owns is a pile of hats. HATS. I wonder if he would give me so- I mean, he had a lot of hats. So off around, again he pranced. He did all kinds of things a goat wouldn't do. But would. So events and events and event after event*, he finally came about to a majestic land, full of majesticness! THE THEME PARK!
There was SO MUCH to do! And that he did*.
The goat spent years, years growing up at his simple life, without drink, food, or anything. But when he explored further, he found another city. With his tongue and head bashing, PROFESSIONAL skills, he explored once more. He became the demon king, the summoner of whales, and became the first goat with a jetpack. He trampled with boulders, destroyed many landmarks, and defeated the ♥♥♥♥♥-shaped food protestors. He was a hero(?). But there he stood, before a tall tower, there were some. Some of his own kind. What nonsense was this? He licked and rammed the goats off the tower, because this goat is a total di-, ah-, jerk. There was a small entrance at the top of the tower's spiraling stairs. Curiousity never killed the goat, so why say not to the goat entering it?
The goat entered a large, sparkling hall, with goats side by side along the long red carpet. The goat peered at the large throne ahead of him. There was no one there? He began to ram every single goat. With all the peasant goats laying on the shiny clean floor tiles, the goat then claimed the throne as his own. Everything began shaking, as if Zeus himself farted on the world in disgrace. The goat fell unconscious, with the world spinning around him.
The goat awoke in a grass field. He felt a weird tightness around his forehead. He had a crown. A KING'S crown. He had known what had happen. He had to go to the urinal, but couldn't hold the pain anymore, so he fell unconscious. Right? OH, wait wrong game. But, I think he's the Goat King now! The Goat King bleated proudly, loudly. Then peasant goats, PEASANTS, began to rain like, well, falling goats from the sky! The Goat King was unafraid. These were his peasants. And by this, he would make an army.
So World War lll almost started, so what? The Goat King continued with doing everything he did in his own childhood, except with x10 more goat. The people were frighthened, some crazies still saying, "Aww, that's cute." Again, before getting rammed. So chaos pursues! But chaos always has an ending! It wasn't like there was police or anything, just... Listen! As the Goat King was terrorizing children while riding a bicycle, a loud booming voice was heard. "STOP!" The Goat King lost controlk of the bicycle and rammed into a gas truck. That truck exploded shortly after. Regaining strength, the Goat King turned his head to see a majestic, plump figure. It was HIM. It was Gaben.
The Goat King was aware of this legendary hero. But he wasn't aware that The Gaben would come after himself. "STOP!"
The Gaben repeated. The Goat King, however, did not want to stop. The Goat King bleated as loud as he could ever bleat, summoning more peasants from the sky. The bodies hit the floor. They did nothing. The peasant goats never did anything. They're useless. The Gaben shook his head in disbelief. The Goat King was pi- angry now! With the gracefulness of a bull, he began to charge towards the Gaben. The Gaben was in no harm. In fact, he was never in harm at all. Calm and majestically, he rose a finger towards the charging Goat King. As the Goat King's nose and the finger of the Gaben came in contact, The Gaben said his own name. "Gaben." (Of course, a legendary hero would never reveal their own name.) The Goat King was frozen. With a flick of his wrist, the Gaben blasted the Goat King into sky, the Goat King leaving a trail of dosh, money, and all of that shizzles. The Gaben smiled at the defeated villain. He then flew away on his flying tub of butter.
Legend says the Goat King still bleats in space. Truth says Gaben's still a hero.
This "simulator" isn't a "simulator." This is time, the time of the Goat King, BEFORE he was defeated by The Gaben.
This is a story. The story of the Goat King. And you're the writer.