Indsendt: 19. november 2014
This is one of those "so bad it's good" games.
Or maybe it's a "so bad it sucks" game?
Perhaps you should give it a go and draw your own conclusion.
While I'm a non-smoker that wears glasses and is (probably) not your dad, I'm not an expert critic. My opinion is neither better nor worse than any other (IMO).
Unfortunately this isn't the end of the review.
Blood Knights follows the misadventures of Jeremy. He was a vampyre hunter but now he's Alysa's little ♥♥♥♥♥. This might be Jeremy's story, but Alysa seems to be the one with all of the advantages. The most obvious is that she has a sweet pair of.... auto-crossbows. If you don't mind the sound of "thwip thwip thwip" for nearly 4 hours straight, Alysa is your go-to gal for massacring all of those pathetic humans, stupid were-wolves, butt-ugly undead, and wimpy demons. Jeremy is more of a diplomat. He does most of the talking while Alysa looks at him with this constant "Is this geek for real?" face.
The plot (I nearly forgot!) involves finding and protecting something called a blood seal. It's like a bandage that protects the world from devastation. Somebody or something wants to cause the deluge, which could kill millions of humans. Somehow Vampyre veteran Alysa and vampire-newbie Jeremy have to work out their differences and straighten this mess out. While there is a village for purchasing supplies and a map-screen, this is a very linear game. You can't revisit previous areas to find stuff you missed or grind out some extra experience levels. Jumping all over the map would probably take focus away from the story. That was the part where you chuckle to yourself.
Anyway, each level involves lots of killing, platforming, switches, and traps. Attribute-boosting blood coins can also be found if you're willing to poke your nose in various places. Otherwise, expect the majority of your acquisitions to be equipment upgrades. Level-ups award skill-points, which can be used to unlock skills (fascinating!). Early on you might have a little trouble, because enemies do heavy amounts of damage. This game suffers from reverse difficulty. As you progress, the game gets easier and easier. After awhile, the enemies just seem really in-effective. Most of your deaths are going to come from the janky platforming sections, and a handful of traps.
The bosses of Blood Knights are the biggest losers on the planet. At one point you fight a succubus. Wait...Actually you impale a Succubus a hundred times while she floats in the air and does NOTHING. Before that, there's a fight with some big dude who was probably Jeremy's buddy. His attack pattern is spinning around with his axe, and doing some leaping move. In the very next stage there are enemies that have that exact same move-set! The final boss is also a bum. He runs like he's skipping through a garden of posies. He's referred to as "Rome's Greatest Warrior", which is just the biggest insult to Rome imaginable.
On its own, this game isn't good. It's still enjoyable though, thanks to how unpolished it is. The voice-acting is hilariously bad, the cut-scenes are silly, and there's this wonderful aura of ineptitude throughout the game. One of my favorite moments is
when you defeat the Succubus. She's talking about where the bad guys took the Blood Seal, but then makes one last attempt at seducing Jeremy. For her trouble, she gets a bolt in the chest. Jeremy gets angry at Alysa for a hot second and then says "It's just... she might have known all their plans. Now we'll never know." Alysa responds with "At least we know the last thing that went through her head."
That joke might have worked IF SHE WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD!
But, I think that's what makes it funny. If Alysa shot the succubus in the head and then made the joke, I'd probably just say something like "Seriously?" or "Oh...oh that was a joke...oh God." or *GROAN*. This screw-up completely justifies the scene.
Blood Knights is not a game I can recommend on normal terms. I'd compare it to a B-movie, but it's about twice as long, and requires you to hold a controller and press buttons. It's certainly not a good game, due to the complete lack of challenge and compelling game-design. This is something you can play high, or drunk, or on some experimental drugs not even fit for sponge consumption. Maybe that's appealing to somebody out there? I don't know.
All I know is that I actually don't regret the time I spent with this game. That's saying a lot, considering how short and precious a life is. I won't give it a thumbs up though