Somewhere in a desert wasteland, a tiny barbarian hangs crudely nailed to a tree. He contemplates the shifting of the sands, the hungry gleam in vultures' eyes, and the sweet brutal revenge he must take. Break free in as dramatic a way as possible! Your adventure begins!
Within 15 seconds of playing, you'll have savaged the local wildlife, defiled ancient ruins, and most likely ♥♥♥♥ed off about a dozen evil warlocks just by being alive. A few steps later you'll already be discovering secrets as you bash through cracking rocks to uncover coins, gems, and... meat! Collect treasure for score, and replenish health by eating strange meats you find hidden in crevices, or even just laying on the ground! Fearsome barbarians eat whatever they want!
Battle wizards and their beastly minions! Punch rocks until they turn into diamonds! Hack away at vicious armored soldiers intent on slaying you and taking away your totally sweet loincloth! Discover wondrous and deadly ancient mechanisms! Tame ferocious beasts! Flex your guns and pecs indiscriminately! Dangle from chains 1-handed like a true badass! Handle explosives with little to no care whatsoever! Dodge snake-based traps, the most fiendish kind of traps known to man! Experience love, lust, and loss! Followed by triumph! Possibly followed by even more lust, the most important emotion!
All this excitement (And more! So much more! Eventually!) is packed into an experience just under 2 hours long, with 3 more adventures (episodes) to follow once they're finished and released by the developer. All future episodes will be available to you for free by buying this game (Episode 1), with the second coming very soon as of the time of this review (and I use the term "review" loosely!).
If you can't wait that long because you're an impatient ♥♥♥♥♥ or have Restless Gamer-Finger Syndrome, this game includes an endless Horde Mode that strands you atop of a pyramid and pits you against an endless army of goblins, skeleton archers, and trolls! (Or possibly very large hairy barbarians, I can't tell, but they bleed all the same!) You might rage at the constant potshots the archers take, I find myself losing most of my health to them, but YMMV.
Enemy variety is alright, we'll probably see different enemies in the upcoming episodes. I'm more annoyed that there aren't that many enemies hanging out in the main game's levels. However, the ones that are there are strategically placed for a challenge, and Horde Mode has all the mobbing you could want.
Enough combat moves are available to keep you alive, but face it, all you really need is that badass Elbow Drop! Snake getting grabby? Elbow Drop! Need to deflect a barrage of arrows? Elbow Drop! Vulture trying to eat you? ELBOW DROP IT OUT OF THE SKYYYY!!!
The other moves are your basic slash attack, a useful 3-hit combo that sends enemies flying, an overhead swing useful for crowd control and deflecting arrows, and a midair spinning attack that multihits (I find it hard to pull off, the timing is weird). Check the Steam Community Discussion page for more info on the attacks. The main game is easy enough to play through with just the basic attack and occasional 3-hit combo, the extra moves are more for Horde Mode survival.
What else, what else... oh right, buy this game! The music fits the bill, the levels are well designed so they aren't monotonous, secrets aren't terribly hard to find thanks to the level design "hinting" at them, boss fights are entertaining, there are nekkid ladies, and that's about it. It's a simple and fun game that I'm sure is far from simple and fun to make, so throw your money at the developer so he can crank out those other Episodes.