OKAY LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT ELDRITCH: THIS GAME ♥♥♥♥ING OWNS. In case my brutish and direct vernacular has sullied the credibility of my review already, allow me to expand upon why this game "♥♥♥♥ing owns."
(Disclaimer: I played most of this game offline. That's what my time played is so low for it. So don't you ♥♥♥♥ing knock me for that one. Okay? Okay. Good.)
I can't even recall my first reaction to the game. It was like wonder mixed with possibility mixed with fear mixed with paranoia. I thanked my dear brother for getting me this game (I had no money at the time, Or now) and resumed playing after changing my piss-soaked scrubs. The sensation made me realize that randomly-generated dungeons aren't always complete ♥♥♥♥. I found myself worshipping the entropy. And the controls are perfect and fluid. But I digress.
You evolve with the game.
Okay, ♥♥♥♥ perspective or whatever, I'm gonna do this my way.
I evolved with the game. I wasn't told I was better at exploring the dungeons or anything by arbitrary numbers that simultaneously define my character. In fact, I started out like a true adventurer; head held high, fists at the ready, I was ready for anything. Or I thought I was. And then I realized I was wrong. I had to carefully analyze my situation and determine the best course of action via my own wit.
THE FIRST TIME PLAYING THE GAME, I WALKED AROUND THE DUNGEONS LIKE A ♥♥♥♥ING COWARD, TRYING TO AVOID ANY AND ALL CONTACT WITH MALEVOLENT MASTERS OF MONSTROUS MENTIONINGS. I WOULD HEAR THEM MUTTERING NEARBY WITHOUT PREVIOUSLY KNOWING OF THERE EXISTANCE AND I WAS SCARED. I SUCKED.
Eventually, I died, but I managed to pick up a gun, a teleporty thing (Hey Dishonored, this game used your only good mechanic better than you. Take that! That's what you get for letting me down,) and a lump sum of those ♥♥♥♥ing blue coins or whatever. Tablets. Slabs. Coins. Whatever. I started at the hub level again and worked my way back into the first dungeon, once again randomized. And I had none of the previous spoils I had earned by my....brave adventuring? Yeah that. So instantly I was like
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIII ♥♥♥♥ THIS GAME ACTUALLY HAS CONSEQUENCE TIED TO DEATH MORE THAN KICKING YOU IN THE SHIN AND SAYING GO GET EM AGAIN, JOHNNY!! (looking at you, Ni No Kuni) All right, so I will skip ahead in my adventures.
I became a ♥♥♥♥ing legend in that first dungeon, marked by multiple deaths and the blood of my enemies. I typically used the teleportation thingy and always carried a knife with me, maybe a gun.
METAL GEAR SOLID MY WAY THROUGH THIS ♥♥♥♥ING GAME.
I would sprint through rooms, slide under low obstacles, climb to the high ones, use my velocity to drive my knife through the throat of some fishman or faceless Magic The Gathering player. I ♥♥♥♥ing ruled. I carved out my destiny through that first dungeon. I completed it and felt on the top of the world. Brought the artifact down to the hubworld and all. I was unstoppable. After all, the second dungeon would be a breeze with all this jam at my side.
My ♥♥♥ was handed to me. The enemies became scarier exponentially. There is this guy who is essentially the Dead Hand or whatever from Ocarina of Time except INVINCIBLE. And then there are those weeping angels in the form of crocodiles (never seen Dr. Who Gives a ♥♥♥♥) and I nearly ♥♥♥♥ myself. I had no idea what this dungeon had for me. I died. That was the fall from grace.
I was about to enter the second dungeon again with the fresh start, but I felt the overwhelming urge to check the artifact thing that I had brought back from the first dungeon. It was no longer on the pedestal. I had to go back and get it again.
Let me repeat that for some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ed emphasis.
I had to go back and complete the first dungeon again.
The first death was a slap to the face. That death was the game yelling at me to grit my teeth before reeling back and punching me in the face with full might.
That game handed me my ♥♥♥. Now I have to go back and play it again. And you know what?
I'm glad. I'm gonna beat the ♥♥♥♥ out of this game someday. As hard as it pushes me down, I will just keep pushing back. This game can set as many limits as it wants to for me, but I will just keep breaking them. I WILL KICK ♥♥♥ AND FIGHT BACK. I WILL ♥♥♥♥ING DESTROY THESE HORRIFYING ENEMIES. I WILL CONQUER AND CLEAR AND CRUSH.
I WILL BEAT ELDRITCH
♥♥♥♥ YES I RECOMMEND THIS GAME, YOU ARE A JACKASS FOR NOT ALREADY OWNING IT. BUY IT NOW.