EDIT: A week or two after writing my review, I finally beat Teleglitch DME. In the process, I learned something that affects my review: it seems the charm of Teleglitch is the way that it becomes your gaming Arch-Nemesis. It mocks and sneers at you while committing heinous crimes, daring you to stop it. You become driven by your hate to defeat it... and hate keeps a man alive. Or at least refusing to stay dead.
NOTE: The following is not a simple "buy/don't buy" review, but more of an investment guide. There's a "buy/don't buy" verdict at the bottom, but it doesn't make much sense without the review.
You've probably heard two things about Teleglitch: it's a rogue-like, and it's hard.
This is an exaggeration and underestimation, respectively. Teleglitch is a rogue-like only insofar as the rooms are arranged differently each playthrough, and it's hard like a diamond ball bat to the groin. Let's examine these points in more depth, because there are some things you need to know.
Once the awe of random level layouts
(sarcastic "ooooh! aaaaah!") wears off, you'll quickly start to notice that every game of Teleglitch is essentially the same. The items you receive on any given level are the same items you'll ALWAYS recieve on that level. The question is whether or not you'll find them BEFORE or AFTER that room where you always get mobbed by that one enemy type that's always in there. End result: each game of Teleglitch is unique in only the most superficial way. And because you will die SO MUCH, the whole thing quickly becomes tiresome and repetitive. This repetition wouldn't be a bad thing if, like many other rogue-likes, there was some incremental GAIN or REWARD at the end of each game. But there isn't. The recipe for success in Teleglitch is 5% experience, 10% luck, 25% resource conservation, and 70% ninja master reflexes. Yes, that adds up to 110%, because if you give less, you will FAIL. That brings us to the second topic.
I know what you're thinking: "Oh, but I'm the exception. I have superior gaming skills. I'm sure Teleglitch will be easy enough for me that I won't want to BRAIN A KITTEN in frustration."
NO. You are NOT special. Well, maybe to your mom. Lemme hit you with some cold, hard statistics. Literally NINETY NINE POINT ONE PERCENT of players never beat the game. But that's setting our sights too high. What are the odds that you'll give up before even beating level THREE? of TEN!?
That's right. You have less than a ten percent chance of making it less than a third of the way through Teleglitch before refusing to ever play it again. Some games manage to find the recipe for making brutal difficulty enjoyable. Teleglitch's brand of hard is more like a basketball game between an NBA team going all-out and a team of middle school girls with Down Syndrome. Sure, it sounds amusing at first, but only the truly sick fail to quickly realize it's just in very poor taste.
Oh, and it also has bugs that can cause you to die, just in case you were legitimately doing well.
Honestly, I really want to like Teleglitch. Instead I just friggin' hate it. Yet for some reason I'll probably play it another 20 hours.
================END OF ORIGINAL REVIEW================
Do I still hate Teleglitch? Yes. But it is a hate tempered with respect. And... I... kinda like it.
Will I change my recommendation to "Yes"? No. You should still be afraid of Teleglitch.
"So you're saying I shouldn't buy Teleglitch?
" you ask. No. I'm not saying that.BOTTOM LINE: should you buy Teleglitch DME? Absolutely,
but only if you don't have a kitten.