It isn't often that I take the time out of my busy schedule of 420quickscoping n00bs and drinking RC Cola to write a review on a game. But, this game is worth it. It deserves it. It is my duty.
As soon as I saw this game was on sale, I bought it, despite the negative reviews. I knew it had to be more than that. Something was off about those negative reviews.
Upon loading the game, I heard a whisper in my ear.
"You are the chosen one, my son..."
"God, is that you?"
"No, my son, I am the spirit of Danny Green."
I cautiously opened the game's credits from the main menu. They slowly began to scroll. Programming: Danny Green... Graphics: Danny Green... Animation: Danny Green...
"I've been trapped for years in this game, waiting for the chosen one to free me from the chains that EA has put me in. Those monsters were scared of indie developers and made me an example… Take the Holy Drink of RC Cola and save me… please my son, save me…"
It was my duty to save him. I had to save this grand celestial being known to the mortal world as Danny Green. He was an angel, a god, and a legend. He brought me into this world, now I must save him.
I only had one choice. I got up from my desk chair and walked to my closet, where everything was laid out in case of an emergency such as this. Upon my head I carefully placed my red Obey™ Snapback. My Gunnar™ elites were set upon my nose, giving me 4/20 vision. I strapped on my fingerless h4XX1nG gloves, providing my tips with maximum n00b reking power. Upon my shoulders rested my leather bomber jacket, followed by football compressions shorts and pads hanging from my waist. I slid my feet into the enlighteningly-comfortable-yet-also-durable Nike™ Air Monarch sneakers. I was prepared for war.
As I left my room, I pulled my Red tiger Winchester™ Model 1873 from its display case.
As I left my house in Redwood City, California, I didn't feel fear. I felt... fulfillment... I was serving my purpose on this earth for my master, Danny Green. I knew I would join him in Valhalla after this quest.
I made my short trek to the EA Headquarters. It was time.
I kicked in the door with the force of over 9000 steampunk gatling guns. My bullets showed no mercy the EA pigs. I heard the angles of Heaven cheer:
"Get Noscoped ♥♥♥♥♥!!!!1"
"Where u at m8?!"
Every EA member had been subdued into an enlightened state. I showed them mercy and did not splatter their blood on the walls for peace is the way of Danny Green. They were fulfilled. They had been converted.
I walked up to a new 'Greenian'.
"Would you mind opening the server room for me?"
He quickly opened the locked door with his key, acting faithfully upon his new beliefs. I walked in with my RC Cola Grenade in hand.
"Got a little... green
... with envy there, EA"
I threw the grenade. The servers were destroyed. Danny Green was saved. All was right in the world.
Danny Green is Love. Danny Green is Life.
420/10 Would fullfill my destiny again.